Boggart Abroad

United Nations Warns Of A New Food Crisis

2010-09-25T05:22:00.000-07:00

Environmental disasters and speculative investors are to blame for volatile food commodities markets, says UN's special adviser.

The world may be on the brink of a major new food crisis caused by environmental disasters and rampant market speculators, the UN was warned today at an emergency meeting on food price inflation.

The UN's Food and Agriculture Organisation (FAO) meeting in Rome today was called last month after a heatwave and wildfires in Russia led to a draconian wheat export ban and food riots broke out in Mozambique, killing 13 people. But UN experts heard that pension and hedge funds, sovereign wealth funds and large banks who speculate on commodity markets may also be responsible for inflation in food prices being seen across all continents.

In a new paper released this week, Olivier De Schutter, the UN's special rapporteur on food, says that the increases in price and the volatility of food commodities can only be explained by the emergence of a "speculative bubble" which he traces ... read more on food crisis meeting

The Daily Stirrer has been warning of the consequences of food price inflation since we began publishing. Our economics expert John De Roe repeatedly outlined the effects a speculative bubble in food commodity futures was likely to have on the living standards of people in the developed world and the humanitarian disasters that were likely to unfold because of it in poor nations.

In addition to rising prices the effect on food supplies of climate chaos is adding to the plight of the hungry. Once again we have to say that at the root of the problem is over population. Until governments and supra national organisations like the UN understand that current agriculture and technology cannot support a global population nearing seven billion. Instead of G20 leaders blethering about a global economic policy and a global culture and all the rest of their one-world, utopian, oligarchic collectivist nonesense they have to talk about a global birth control policy. In the western nations we, at grassroots level, have a self imposed population control ethic thanks to materialism and self interest. Birth rates are falling in almost all the developed nations.

Somehow our leaders must find a way to overturn the conventional wisdom of ancient cultures that big families are wealth and show people with modern healthcare two or thee children per couple is enough to sustain any society and it is large families that keep people in poverty. It will not be an easy task but if the world leaders fail or try to duck the issue by talking about crackpot 'scientific' solutions we will have to embark on a controlled cull of surplus human beings. Starting with the world leaders.

More comment on world news in The Daily Stirrer

The Age Time Bomb

2010-09-22T07:45:00.000-07:00

The Daily Stirrer has warned many times of the various time bombs that are ticking in the basement of our bloated society. Forget climate change, it was a diversion, a phishing expedition by scientists and bureaucrats to see how much money they could persuade gullible and fear driven politicians to pump into expensive vanity projects the aim of which was not to save the planet but to win Nobel Prizes and other prestigious awards and "secure a place in history."

Climate change is a problem but it is not our biggest nor our most urgent.

The biggest problem is overpopulation, solve that and the climate will take care of itself.

Next on the list is ageing. Medical science expects to be thanked for curing or controlling many potentially fatal conditions enabling us to live longer. Unfortunately they have not cracked the problem of age induced infirmity. The burden of caring for the elderly infirm is straining the social infrastructure of developed societies.

from The Daily Telegraph
The £388 billion cost includes that of social care, unpaid care by relatives and the medical bills for treating dementia.

The figure is expected to rise rapidly in the coming years but governments are woefully unprepared to meet the challenge, said the World Alzheimer Report 2010.

Experts at the Karolinska Institute in Sweden and King's College London examined the cost of dementia care and found that, if it was a country, it would be the world's 18th biggest economy.

And if it was a company, it would be the world's biggest by annual revenue, way above Wal-Mart (£265.6 billion) and Exxon Mobil (£200 billion).

Campaigners already warned that the costs of caring for people with dementia are on the rise, mostly due to people living longer.

The number of people with dementia will ... read more
Dementia Costs Equal 1% Of World Economyem>In the UK at the moment according to figures quoted in a BBC documentary, The Young Ones, last week one in five of people over seventy needs either full time or part time care. In the 1980s and 90s the elderly infirm, those not able to live independently, were moved to municipal care homes. These were impersonal and bureaucratic so eventually the emphasis was shifted to one on once care in the home. While better for individuals this was enormously expensive for the taxpayers and also distorted the state of the employment situation by vastly expanding the proportion of people employed by the state as against those working in true revenue generating industries.

The nineteenth century social reformer William Cobbett referred in his writing to tax eaters. It is an appelation we would do well to reclaim. Reducing unemployment by appointing vast numbers of tax eaters. To do that is to merely massage the statistics. We are left then with a conundrum for the science lovers to choke on. How do we now stop people living so long they become a burden on society? Or more to the point what is being done to ensure that as people live longer they do not become a burden on society? If half the population are over a million years old and the other half are busy caring for them who is going to grow food, build houses, make machines etc.

Euthanasia is not going to play well with the voters so the only alternative is rather that governments continuing to promote a dependency culture to return to a social system in which people are not given unrealistic expectations.

As humanist philosopher David Hume said: It is better to die at sixty - five while in command of one's faculties that have a few more years of increasing infirmity.

more on David Hume's life and philosophy

Listen carefully to the climate change alarmists, pay the same kind of forensic attention to the virus alarmists, the terror alarmists and all the rest. Their scaremongering is always full of might and possibly and could and maybe. Their predictions are based on mathematical models not reality.

The age time bomb is with is now and it is ticking away under the chair on which you are sitting.

The Daily Stirrer

Mosquitos, Mad Scientists and Ethics

2010-08-21T10:35:00.000-07:00

Mad scientists are a fictional stereotype you might think, they exist in Bond films, pulp fiction anf B movies. Think again. A group of mad scientists have come up with a scheme to use genetically modified mosquitos with antigens in their saliva to eradicate illness by vaccinating the world by biting everybody.
Mad Scientists, Mosquitos and Ethics

The Boggart Blog Secret UFO Files

2010-08-05T11:22:00.000-07:00

Today the UK the Ministry of Defence released its annual batch of secret investigation files files I thought we would reprise some reports of Boggart Blog's secret UFO investigations:

Life On Mars After rubbishing reports of UFOs and alien visitations for years scientists got very excited when they thought they had found water (ice) on the surface of Mars. This indicates that other planets in our solar system miht just be able to support life. Not as good as seeing a flying saucer in your back garden though is it?

Life On Mars ConspiracyThe American Military have long dreamed of putting a men on Mars, landing a manned space craft on the surface of the Red Planet. Martians are such stuff as dreams are made of but reality suggests that as with the moon landing all the astronauts would find is rocks. Unless there is a conspiracy of silence to keep us from finding our Mars is home to a race of three breasted alien nymphomaniacs and the military and political elite want to keep this to themselves...

Life On Mars - The TruthScientists have sighed, UFO spotters have uffed and theorists have theed about whether life could exist on Mars. In spite of numerous UFO sightings, alien encounters and serious but ultimately futile research we were no nearer to knowing the truth about life on mars. Until now. UFO investigator and whirling dervish Adrian Tantric Spoon tells all.

Turd Nine From Outer SpaceWhat are the mysterious turn shaped brown unidentified flying objects that have been filmed hovering over Southern England. Are they alien craft on a mission, giant intergalactic jobbies from monsters that live in black holes or are they a message, harbingers of doom?

The Return Of Turd Nine From Outer SpaceSci - Fi B movie classic Plan Nine From Outer Space, Edward D Wood's masterpiece of incompetence has inspired many parodies. But has it also insired an alient race to vistit earth in their turd shaped space craft.

Is Selective Education Such A Bad Thing?

2010-07-24T11:42:00.000-07:00

The comprehensive education system has become one of the sacred cows of the "progressive left" in spite of its very obvious failure. The old Grammar School system only segregated on grounds of intelligence whereas the system now with its postcode lottery and the growth of private schools for the rich segregates on grounds of parental wealth, social class and geogrphic location. Intelligence does not enter the equation. So the selective way was more egalitarian, what are the leftie whiners on about?

Selection by Stealth or Simple Common Sense

I Don't Want To Eat Clone - Leave My Steak Alone

2010-02-02T11:52:00.000-08:00

No problem about eating meat from cloned animals but it makes everything a bit industrial. Don't the animals deserve a shag at least before we kill and eat them?

Hilarious article on the new cloning industry that is waiting to put more taseteless, factory farmed meat on our plates.

Don't Want To Eat Clone

Human Women To Have Mouse Babies?

2010-01-21T10:13:00.000-08:00

Regular readers of our main satirical web page Boggart Blog know how much we love scientists. There is seldom a week goes by in which their weird and whacky research projects and the surreal conclusions they draw from the results do not give us at least... read all Human Mothers To Bear Intelligent Mouse Babies

Monty Python and the Brussels Sprout

2009-11-21T12:08:00.000-08:00

The first President of the European Union will be some Belgian bloke nobody had heard of. He has a name that sounds a buit rude as it relates to the old slang term rumpy pumpy which is more or less self explanatory so naturally we Brits are doing lots of jokes. This has pissed off the Belgians and they hsave started saying things like The British are a nation of drunken louts.

Yes we know and we're proud of it.

They should tread carefully though. If they go to far we could bring the Monty Python derogatory name for Belgians into the argument.

Return Of The Jedi 9without his cornflakes)

2009-09-21T07:30:00.000-07:00

The march of crackpot religions continues apace. When in the last UK census around ten per cent of us listed our religion as Jedi we wwere joking.

Somebody however (there's always one out there) went and formed an official Chuech Of Jediism, with a doctrine, a creed and all the other nonsense including a commandment stating Jedi Knights may not be seen in public withot their heads raised.

This would get Obi Wan Kenobi, Yoda and Luke Skywalker excommunicated to name but three. The founder of the Church of Jediism might stuggle to obey the diktat too, when he popped down the shops for a loaf, some milk and a packet of cornflakes he was approached by security as he queued at the checkout and asked to lower his hood because people might mistake him for a terrorist.

When he refused he was escorted out of the store without his stuff. We hope he can eat The Force, if not he's going to be a very hungry Jedi.

Michael Jackson's Death Was Faked - We Reveal All

2009-06-29T10:10:00.000-07:00

Boggart Blog Exclusive: Jacko’s Death Faked, We Reveal Why. by ianrthorpe @ 2009-06-27 – 17:17:07

It was inevitable that people would quickly start to claim Michael Jackson is not really dead. It happened with Buddy Holly, Elvis, Marilyn Monroe, Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin who all found it possible to be dead, dead famous and at the same time evade the all seeing eye of the media. But at Boggart Blog we like to go a step further and so we will reveal why Whacko Jacko and his handlers decided death was the only way left to salvage the singer’s stalled career.

For many of the superstars who have become more successful when dead, embarrassing revelations about their private lives that would have damaged them in life only enhanced their reputation in death. Did we care that Elvis liked to eat fried banana sandwiches while sitting on the lav? Did the knowledge that Marilyn did not change her knickers every day diminish her sex appeal. In death and in the fantasies of millions Elvis was always the slim, hip swivelling teenager and MM’s panties were always pristine. Jim Morrison; in reality fat dead guy in a bath: in public perception always the slender, beautiful rebel. See what we mean.

Most of the evidence we have to back up our allegation is circumstantial of course but just apply logical reasoning and you will understand why Jackson’s death had to be announced now. We are not saying the hospital where he was treated or the Los Angeles coroners office were complicit in the deception, there were people in Jackson’s entourage who were so skilled in administering medication they had managed to drug up the star enough to have him declared clinically sane on several occasions. The drug that put him into a deep coma and slowed his heart rate to one beat per minute was administered by a member of the entourage and the authorities had no way of knowing what had really happened.

Why was this done now, in the days leading up to what meeja talking heads predicted would be a triumphant comeback with a season of 50 gigs at London’s O2 arena? The clue is in the venue. O2, Oxygen – the Oxygen of publicity was what was needed to kick start record and DVD sales and make some money for the parasites and hangers on who had lived off Jacko for so long. To die would be sad but to die on the verge of a comeback would be tragedy worthy of Grand Opera.

And why would the singer agree to such a course. Consider the dichotomy of Michael Jackson. Certain aspects of his lifestyle forced him to become a virtual recluse, he spent weeks on end closeted in Neverland with only little boys, cartoon characters and Jesus Juice for company and yet this was a man lived for acclaim, craved adoration, fed on the adoring attentions of his fans. He even liked to cast himself as Jesus, an unfortunate habit which led to that infamous Jarvis Cocker moment. So how was it possible to earn a living, be adored and indulge in certainly lifestyle options that do not bear close scrutiny?

Be dead of course?

Yes Michael had for more to gain from being dead than either Elvis or Jim Morrison before him. Once dead he could be a publicity shunning control freak and a publicity seeking fame junkie simultaneously. And whatever he was getting up to in his secret hideaway, in the public perception he would ever be that cute squeaky voiced kid with a normal nose.

It was not in Michael’s make up to slip away quietly, to have an empty plane flown into a mountain, pay a fat tramp to sit in a bath eating speed, to have six burly henchmen and a crane lift him off a golden toilet. No, Jacko had to go out big. A million tickets sold for the O2 gigs, a million people wailing and gnashing their teeth at news of his death (most because they were worried about not getting their money back) would appeal to Jacko’s sense of occasion.

There was no way the concerts could ever go ahead of course. Apart from what abuse of prescription drugs had done to Michael’s heart there was the question of dancing. While the fans would be expecting to see the old dance moves that resembled a spazza on speed the weird one’s body had deteriorated to such an extent due to excessive surgery bits would drop off if he stood up too quickly.

We understand the original plan was for a lot of headline grabbing showboating, concerts cancelled, postponed, will he, won’t he rumours flying around, pre publicity shots of Michael looking frail but bravely insisting the shows would go on. Then the dramatic collapse twenty minutes into the first concert. Shock, horror. Tsunami of sympathy. Diana moment, spontaneous outpourings of grief, mega record and DVD sales, the posthumous autobiography dictated to a psychic, the Bubbles the Chimp reveals all expose syndicated to Murdoch owned publications around the world.

Unfortunately something happened that made it all go pear shaped. While many of Michael Jackson tickets languished unsold in the safes of agencies that had snapped them up and other were being given away as competition prizes news started to filter through that the Take That tour had shifted a million and a half tickets and the boys were playing to packed houses and rapturous reviews. And furthermore Take That’s clown faces were only painted on.

Michael Jackson could just not face the fact that he was not as popular as four has beens from Manchester. In a fit of pique he brought his death scene forward to try and steal attention from the boy band.

More Great Humour (in the worst possible taste) from Greenteeth Multi Media

Strewth! The Wallabis Have Been At The Opium.
The Australian Island of Tasmania is the largest grower of legally licenced opium poppies in the world. But strange things have been happening, crop circles have appeared in the poppy fields. And this has produced a new theory of how crop circles are made.

The World Will End Soon So Check Your Insurance Cover.
It's a few months since Boggart Blog posted an article on the prediction that the world will end much sooner than expected. As usual the blog post carried our warning tht Boggart Blog should never be taken seriously. Even so a comment spammer turned up today to advise our readers to upgrade their insurance cover. But how do you claim for end of the world damage?

All Architects Are Twats

2009-06-25T08:05:00.000-07:00

In school we used to have our own version of that old northern favourite On Ilkley Moor Baht ‘At. The refrain went “All Yorkshiremen are twats, all Yorkshiremen are twats…” There is no truth in that of course, Yorkshire is full of very nice people, no more twats per thousand head of population than anywhere else. I still sing the schoolyard version, with a slightly changed lyric whenever I visit a redeveloped area in one of our major cities:

All architects are twats, all architects are twats, all architects are twats…”

That is not true either and would have remained a little private amusement had it not become necessary to write about one modernist architect whose outstanding twattery taints all other members of his profession. Just recently a row of epic proportions has erupted between HRH The Prince of Wales, defender of all that is traditional and worthy and fuddy duddy, patron of The Village Green Preservation Society and talker to trees and Prince of Architectural Darkness, Richard Rogers...

CLICK HERE to read All Architects Are Twats full text

UK Politicians Expenses Scandal

2009-05-15T07:06:00.000-07:00

The most hilarious political scandal in years is the Expenses scandal currently responsible for meltdown of the British political system with the Government in total disarray and the opposition parties not much better.

Read the funniest reportin, opinion and comment by following links below.

From A Bag O’Shite To A Chandelier And Back. by ianrthorpe @ 2009-05-12 – 16:57:01
Yesterday’s report on the Bag O’Shite MPs’ expenses scandal concluded with the promise we would bring you further and even more astounding revelations about the bizarre expenses claims made by Members of Parliament.

Today we honour our promise.

Sir Michael Spicer (Con, Rawtenborough South) successfully claimed the cost of having a chandelier hung at his Manor House which he insists is his second home despite its having been in the family...
CLICK HERE to read full post From A Bag O’Shite To A Chandelier And Back

UK Politicians Expenses Scandal Gives Glimpse Of What's To Come
Democracy is being strangled, it seems, by self interest and misplaced loyalties. Only months after the Blagojevic pay-for-power scandal and President Obama's own difficulty in finding people who were not crooks to fill various cabinet positions and other offices in his administration, we now have in Britain the budding scandal of Members of Parliament fiddling...
CLICK HERE to read full post UK Politicians Expenses Scandal

Lib Dems Expenses Claims Fail To Impress.

The fervid anticipation preceding the release of Liberal Democrats dodgy expenses claims turned into a sense of disappointment today as the embarrassing items we had hoped to see were absent. Where, for example, were the invoices for 5000 gallon tankers of Vodka delivered to Charlie Kennedy’s second home or the bill for supply of intravenous drip equipment so the former leaders could stay topped up while paralytic?
CLICK HERE to read full post Lib Dems Expenses Claims Fail To Impress.

Senior Conservative Claims Dog Food On Expenses. by ianrthorpe @ 2009-05-11 – 18:15:50
The details of MP’s dodgy expenses claims continue to land on the Boggart Blog News Desk 24 hours a day. Our reporters are on round the clock alert to bring you up to the minute information. The latest expose we hear...
CLICK HERE to read full post Senior Conservative Claims Dog Food On Expenses.

Forget Pork Barrels, this is bag o’shite politics. by ianrthorpe @ 2009-05-11 – 16:59:45
While we all sit back to watch the news and enjoy the witch hunt of Labour ministers over their eccies, from Jaqui Smith’s 89p bath plug to Barbara Follet’s £25k of security, we should not overlook some of the bizarre items that are turning up in Conservative MP’s claims...
CLICK HERE to read full post Forget Pork Barrels, this is bag o’shite politics.

Also check out these Greeneeth Multi Media pages:
The Daily Stirrer Hard hitting opinion and comment from the people who brought you Little Nicky Machiavelli.

Boggart Blog Central The main clearing house for Boggart Blog articles from the UK and world editions of what is probably the web's funniest satirical blog/

The Daily Stirrer

2009-04-26T08:20:00.000-07:00

The Greenteeth Multi Media Empire has moved on a lot since I was last here. Check out our newest feature The Daily Stirrer a page for the most controversial opinion on the web.

Also look in on the Greenteeth portal for comedy, fiction, articles, verse and more.

Olympic Humour at Boggart Blog - Britain's top comedy blog

2008-08-14T09:50:00.000-07:00

Boggart Blog's best posts so far on the Olympic insanity.

The news from The Olympic Games as been provinding the Boggart Bloggers with most of their material for the past few days. Check out our main blog, greenteeth.blog.co.uk for all the posts. Here are a few links to the stuff we found most amusing.

Britain won its first medal in the cycling road race, an event not lacking comic potential as it was held in a torrential downpour.

Controversy raged in the swimming arena over full length super slick body suits made of low friction material to reduce swimmer's drag effect through the water. We wanted to know what is wrong with the old back, crack and sack wax and what the official view on gimp masks was. Not quite in the Olympic spirit but there you go. We never suggested we are a politically correct publication.

Disaster for Britain's medal hopes in the water. After double triumph, in the cycling and thewomen's 400meters freestyle in the main pool our synchronised diving team blew... no - not each other, settle down at the back; blew their chance of a medal by having a row just before their final dive. 14 y.o. prodigy Thomas Daley threw a hissy fit when his 26 year old diving partner took a call from his Mum, poolside, on his cellphone. They boy apparently said, "How can you talk to your Mother? Parents never understand anything. What we want to know though is WTF is Synchronised Diving doing as an Olympic sport.

Biggest controversy of the Olympic pageant so far (well the drug test results have not started coming in yet) was the lip synching scandal at the opening ceremony.Seems like a lot of fuss about nothing, we say if its good enough for Madonna and The Spice Gilrs its good enough for the Olympic Games

Denying Lesbian Couples IVF Treatment Will Lead To More Pub Closures

2008-05-22T09:30:00.000-07:00

All this week the issues surrounding human fertility and embryos, including stem cell research and abortion have been debated by out elected representatives. This has thrown up more potential for humour than any other topic I can remember. Take this clause on the availability of IVF treatment for lesbian couples.

Former conservative leader and front runner in the race to be the baldest politician in Britain, Ian Duncan Smith who is perhaps even better known because his initials are almost the same as an embarrassing medical problem has put himself back in the news. He thinks children need fathers and so has tabled an amendment to the Human Embryo and Fertilisation Bill requiring that fertility clinics be prevented from offering IVF treatment to lesbian couples who want to have a baby.

"Girls brought up by a traditional heterosexual couple are less likely to become pregnant in their teens because they learn from their fathers it is possible to have a loving relationship with a man without sex being involved," IDS said while speaking in support of his amendment. poor chap, e has never really been in touch with what is going on in the world and has obviously not heard about the bloke with the cellar in Austria.

Enough of poking fun at the ineptitude of former Tory leaders though. You want to hear about pub closures.

Another Conservative, John Bercow, who does not belong to the part’s Not In My Back Yard tendency probably because he spends most of his time at his second home in the country and so does not care what is going on in his backyard, had this to say:
"I know of a lesbian couple who went to a clinic to ask about IVF and were told to go to a pub and find a man."

This demonstrates how important it is to grant lesbian couples access to IVF treatment as once in order to save the livelihoods of many pub landlords. What man in his right mind would want to drink in a pub if he was in constant fear of being molested by rampant lesbians intent on extracting a sperm sample.

More humour every day at Boggart Blog

Recommended reads:

MPs wrestle with embryology bill
http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/news/2008/05/embryology_bill.html

They think its all over - well Obama does anyway
http://commentisfree.guardian.co.uk/michael_tomasky/2008/05/they_think_its_all_over.html

Would you credit it? (credit crunch)http://commentisfree.guardian.co.uk/edward_pearce/2008/05/would_you_credit_it.html

The uses of unreason:
http://commentisfree.guardian.co.uk/andrew_brown/2008/05/the_uses_of_unreason.htmlAndrew
Andrew Brown argues that logic and reason are not enough to save the planet, we need a quasi religious sense of community.

Creationism in US High Schoolshttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/05/21/creationism-in-us-high-sc_n_102853.html

Cheaper Drugs Now

2008-04-29T09:15:00.000-07:00

In this hilariously surrealm post Boggart Blog argues for cheaper drugs now. A plea many will sympathise with we're sure.

Meanwhile you might also like to check out What happened Before Big Bang at gather.com - comedy writer Ian Thorpe takes a semi serious look at the flaws in the Big Bang theory.

TODAY the boggarts commeted on:
Can soldiers be immunised against PTSD
Shocking news from Sheryl O at Gather.com of a plan to use psychological conditioning to make soldiers immune to the Post Traumatic Stress the experience after prologed exposure to the horrors of war.

First Post: Sweet and Sour, The Miracle Berry
Way back in the 1970s in Africa a berry was discovered that while having little food value in itself had a property that fooled the taste buds into interpreting bitter or bland tastes as sweet. The berry was tested, found to be safe, economical to farm and it did what it said on the box. The active ingredient was isolated, extracted and was all set to be launched as a product. Then a number of very strange things happened culminating in the withdrawal of licenses granted by the U.S. food and drug administration (FDA).
In the light of the current obesity pandemic the berry would be of enormous value. So why can we find out little about it, in whose interests is it to keep this potential life savers out of the public domain. We don't think you will need three guesses.

The Education of an Oil Reporter
Oil industry pundits are expressing shock at the seemingly unstoppable rise in the price of oil. Buy why should anybody be surprised?Chief Boggart Ian Thorpe
predicted this sequence of events five years ago. The link following takes you to his archive article: How Saddam May Yet Win The War

Eating The Amazon
How much harm is the destruction of the rainforest in order to grow food for cloned beff cattle doing to the planet. And how crazy is the intensive farming that is driving this policy?

Osama Loves Bush - True

2007-09-21T09:06:00.000-07:00

Osama Bin Laden and George W Bush deeply in love? It may be hard to swallow (oops, pardon!) but if this item from Scottish bloger nultygoestopartick is accurate - and the camera does not lie, it is true. Let's hope we are heading for an era of peace and cooperation.

For the best in humour on the web visit boggartblog

God's Shock Jock?

2007-08-16T09:45:00.000-07:00

Those of you who read my articles might be surprised to learn that earlier today I was guesting on a Chistian Radio show for London's Premier Radio station.
Even more strage, the producer Justin Brierley contacted me after following comment threads on some of my jousts with fundies here at Gather.
Well Justin's show "Unbelieveable" is a British production with a more moderate tone than U.S. evangelical Christianity, so after some discussion I decided the programme would be fun to do and managed to get my friend Jenni Hutchinson invited as my opponent, the Christian speaker. Did you know that satan is the Aramaic (ancient assyrian language) word for opponent or adversary. Ha! Jenni is a little devil - she will love that.
Anyway we put together a really good programme, covering topics such as how the church may fulfil a role in modern society, the nature of faith, building bridges (we bridged the religious divide, the generation gap - Jenni is 24 I'm...not. OK, I'm yibblety-yibble. the geographical divide between north and south and the soccer supporters gap, Jenni follows high flying Arsenal, one of the big guns of European soccer - my loyalties are to lowly Accrington Stanley (the team that came back from the dead - reluctantly apparently.)
All in all we proved there can be dialogue between Christians and non believers.
It will be difficult to get the show on the air in America but there is an internet feed. ?Here are the details:
The programme airs at 2pm this Saturday here are the ways to listen "Live"
1305, 1332, 1413 MW (Greater London) Sky Digital 0123 Virgin Media 968 Freeview 725 London DAB or online at http://www.premier.org.uk/
From (Usually) Monday you can listen to the archive edition of the programme online http://www.premier.org.uk/engine.cfm?i=680
Not of great spiritual interest to many of my gather friends maybe, as most share my attitude to organised religion, but a worthwhile demonstration of constructive dialogue between faith and non-faith, with some good points made on both sides.

OK, that's just a cynical ploy to bost the show in search engine listings of course. But you will excuse me one shameless self promotion item I'm sure. I promise to get back to more humour and controversy next time.

Blair's Last Audience

2007-07-02T09:06:00.000-07:00

Have you wondered what was said between Blair and The Queen last week? Do you find those stiffly formal official press releases unconvincing. Click the LINK to read an unofficial transcript of what was really said.

Bad News For Dwarf Throwers.

2007-06-06T09:28:00.000-07:00

The killjoy army seems to be unstoppable at the moment.
Following news that the government plans to crackdown on "in the home drinking" because a civilised glass of wine with dinner might turn one into an alcoholic, we now learn that the government pokenoses have intervened to force the cancellation of the UK Dwarf Throwing Championship in London’s Egg club.
Apparently there were ‘elf and safety’ concerns
(For those who don’t know, dwarves clad in velcro are thrown at a felt covered board and the winner is the person whose dwarf sticks longest. The sport originated in Australia. In the UK we only invent sports that involve molesting small furry animals.)

UK Government warning on "at home drinkers"

THE THIRD WORLD WAR

2007-05-22T09:54:00.000-07:00

A headline in one of today's papers, over a picture of an overturned and burned out tank in which six U.S. soldiers and an interpreter told us that Iran is orchestrating an offensive aimed at driving the Americans and British out of Iraq.The story that followed reported that new alliances have been forged between Sunni insurrectionists (they're not insurgents, OK, they'e bloody insurrectionists) and Shia militia, Al Quaeda terror groups and Syrian geurillas have increased the strike capabilities of the Iraqis.
This is the response to Bush's surge of course.
Loyal readers of Boggart Blog and Little Nicky Machiavelli blog will recall we predicted about a year ago that the conflict would escalate towards full scale war in late 2007 or early 2008 as defeat for the religious right in the U.S. Presidential elections started to look certain.
Earlier this year we reported that U.S. and British troops had been carrying out covdert operations inside Iran with the aim of stirring up unrest.
Now our discredited and deluded politicians are trying to fool us by crying foul when the Iranians retaliate.
It is time we took to the streets to put an end to this insanity before we are counting our dead in hundreds rather than tens each week.

PALS
Song Of War

Tridentine Folly

2007-03-16T10:23:00.000-07:00

There was never any chance that Parliament would vote down the diktat of His Excellency Fuhrergeneralissimo, President for Eternity Blair. Presented with an opportunity to "do the right thing" the Conservatives showed, as we knew they would, that they are mealy mouthed, wet-arsed cowards who whimperingly yearn for another dominatrix to do their thinking for them.
They cite tactics as an excuse for their yellow bellied cowardice. What tactics? If Trident had been rejected (in modern warfare, against a nutter with a rucksack full of bleach and acetone on a rush our tube train, it would be about as much use as the proverbial chocolate teapot) Blair would have faced a vote of confidence. Which he would have won.
Had that happened Blair would truly have been a lame duck Prime Minister, his political potency castrated and his legacy in ruins he would have had to stand by and watch his party polarise as the Tories did after the fall of Thatcher.
Now that would have been tactics.
Unfortunately Boy - boobs Cameron did not have the balls. Little Nicky will be reminding you of the Conservatives unfitness for government quite frequently between now and the next election.

Boggart Blog

Cannabis and Common Sense

2007-03-08T10:19:00.000-08:00

This is a story from the British courts, it should concern us all however. It is not particularly about the rights and wrongs of cannabis, it is about the exculsion of compassion and common sense from the legal process. When the law is managed by bureaucrats we will soon lose our freedoms.
Sixty - Eight year old Patricia Tabram of Hemshaugh, Northumbria was convicted at Carlisle Crown Court yesterday of possessing cannabis. She had admitted growing three plants in her wardrobe for self medication purposes. Mrs Tabram, who suffers from depression and arthritis mixes the dried, ground laves with various foods to lift her depression and give her respite from the chronic pain in her joints. She claims cannabis it the only therapy which works on her symptoms without causing debilitating side effects. A cup of hot chocolate containing a little cannabis gives her five hours relief from pain, the court was told.
Now this person who does not have much quality of life left nor much to look forward to in her remaining years is faced with the prospect of having to do 250 hours community service (with crippling arthritis, yeah right!) and pay £1000 legal costs. Because of the conviction her home in a sheltered unit provided by a Housing Association is also at risk.
In passing sentence Judge Barbara Forrester said she understood Mrs. Tabram only used the drug for self medication and had no intent to supply others but the law limited the scope for leniency.
It has always been a principle of Western justice since the Ancient Greeks gave us the basis of our civilisation (though it is too rarely observed in recent centuries when vengeance and retribution seem to be the only principles that matter) that justice should be tempered with compassion. If ever there was a case for a judge set a precedent in the interests of justice this was it.
Sadly, under the bureaucratic dictatorship that economic liberalism has imposed on us in the past three decades, common sense is always overridden by rules and regulations. Judges seem ever more reluctant to give verdicts that challenge a bad law because the government, which is jealous of the power of an independent judiciary, may use it as an excuse to further undermine that independence. This has led to many deplorable decisions by the dispensers of justice.
Another social commentator at an American website wrote last week of a "social recession" in the free world. It is hardly surprising. When those with the authority to do so are afraid to challenge bad laws, respect for the law breaks down. And when respect for the law breaks down we cease to be a society and become a rat pack.

Ian Thorpe at Authorsden

A Stick With Which To Beat Dick

2007-02-10T09:52:00.000-08:00

Billionaire self - publicist Richard Branson has offered a $25million prize for the first scientist to come up with a machine that will suck carbon dioxide out of air.
Sorry to be the one to break the bad news folks but such a machine already exists, it called a tree and a lady named Mother Nature has been growing them for millions of years.
Ma. N. is unlikely to claim Dick’s money however, she is an old hippy and has never had any interest in money. On the up side she will be happy to keep providing us with as many tress as we need free of charge so long as we promise to stop cutting them down to make room for more houses, offices, factories, roads and shopping malls.
So the answer is simple and the Branson prize for reinventing the wheel is just another publicity stunt.
But Mother Nature is no meanie, she tells me if we all start being nicer to her she will ask her trees to provide each of us with a stick with which to beat Branson for being a Dick.

Boggart Blog

Cold Comforts #1 - Shepherd's Pie

2007-02-09T10:08:00.000-08:00

I could not bear to think of my American friends shivering through several more weeks of arctic conditions without the comfort of some traditional dishes from the North of England. So here we go with the first of a series of recipes that add a new dimension to the phrase "hot and substantial." Now Shepherd's Pie is confusing on two counts, first it is not truly a pie, there being no pastry involved and secondly a lot of people mistake it for cottage pie (it is Shepherd's Pie if made with lamb or mutton and Cottage Pie if made with beef.
Traditional Shepherd's Pie can be bland and dull so we will be zapping this up with a few additions to the basic "school dinners" recipe.
Now, as Mrs. Beeton might have said, "first catch your shepherd..."

View the finished dish

Ingredients (to serve 6 to 8)
2 lbs. Potatoes (mashed with a little milk or butter)
1 medium onion
2 carrots
1 stick celery
1 to 1½ lbs. minced (ground?) lamb or mutton
a small clove of garlic
2 tablespoons (2 Ounces) tomato puree
equal amount of water
Salt, Black Pepper to taste
½ teaspoon each, Thyme & Cumin
A shake of Worcestershire or Soy sauce.
Heat your oven to 200 Celsius, 400 Fahrenheit
Peel, the potatoes and set them boiling. There will be plenty of time to prepare the rest prepare before they are ready to mash.
Mince or finely chop the onion, carrot and celery and gently fry them in a little of your favourite oil or fat.
Once the onion is translucent set the vegetables aside and fry the lamb with the garlic until it is brown (traditional British chefs would recommend not doing this, but if you don’t the meat will look grey and unappetising.)
When the meat is browned stir the tomato puree and Worcester / Soy sauce into the water and add it to the lamb.
Add the thyme, cumin, salt and pepper and return the vegetables to the pan.
About now the potatoes should be ready to mash with the milk and butter.
Let the meat simmer while you do that.
Put the meat and vegetables in an oval baking dish (it doesn’t have to be oval, but somehow it looks better) Now lightly spread the mashed potatoes on top and fork the surface into a "ploughed field" pattern (kids of all ages like it like that) and bake at the top of the oven for 30 minutes.
British cooking has a reputation for blandness. It was not always so - before the Protestant reformation enjoying one’s food was not considered sinful. Do not skip on frying the vegetables and meat here, it improves the flavour immensely and follows the method described in Elizabethan cookery books.
To make Cottage Pie simply substitute beef for lamb.
A very tasty vegetarian version can be made with a soya based meat substitute

How do you stop a Rhinoceros feeling horny?

2007-01-27T09:27:00.000-08:00

German animal rights activists launched a campaign against plans for a giant
ferris wheel in Berlin, saying it would disturb the sex lives of rhinos in a
nearby zoo. Investors unveiled plans for a 175 metre wheel, 40 metres
higher than the London Eye, hoping to attract millions of visitors from
2008. Activists say moving lights on the wheel would disturb the
rhinos daily routine and threaten breeding.
Normally I find animal rights campaigns a bit bonkers but I'm right behind this one coz I know how I used to feel when somebody disturbed my mating rituals.

http://machiavelli.blog.co.uk/main

Ice Storm has elements of Shakespearean Tragedy

2007-01-16T10:17:00.000-08:00

A contact at gather.com told me yesterday there is a big ice storm going on in America's mid west. Millions of people in the area around St. Louis, Missouri have been without electricity for nearly a week after ice and snow brought down overhead power lines. So far 36 people have died because of the freak weather. Government officials say it will be several more says before power can be restored even if temperatures rise.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070115/ap_on_re_us/winter_blast
Meanwhile climate change deniers crank up the volume and the airlines tell us to keep on flying.
And George W. Bush announces an escalation of the war in the Middle East.
Perhaps the President needs a lesson in literature. Let's start with Shakespeare; Henry 1V part 2 (Act 4) where somebody asks the King:
"be it thy course to busy giddy minds with foreign quarrels?"
Yeah well, quite.

more ian thorpe

Brace Yourselves For The Invasion of Iran.

2007-01-15T09:17:00.000-08:00

Sometime early last year Little Nicky made one of Machiavelli blogs famous predictions. (Not all my predictions come true, I just don't mention the ones that don't.) In posting here and at Salon.com, Guardian News Blog, Gather.com and other venues I said that with public opinion in the U.S. turning against him, George Bush would delay the war with Iran until after the mid term elections which would go against the republicans. He would then start banging the wardrums and launch the attack in late 2007 or early 2008, providing an excuse to declare a national emergency and suspend the Presidential elections. Well I exaggerated about the last bit to boost readership, its more likely the attack on Iran will be a last desperate gamble to swing America behind the war and ensure a republican succession.
But most of it I stand by.
There follows the opening paragraph of an article written by Dan Plesch, an expert on Middle Eastern politics. It appeared in today's newspaper.
"The evidence is building up that President Bush plans to add war in Iran to his triumphs in Iraq and Afghanistan - and there is every sign, to judge by his warmongering speech in Plymouth last Friday that Tony Blair would be keen to join in if he were still in a position to commit British forces to the field."
READ MORE
Double brace yourselves folks because I now predict that Blair will now delay his resignation until after the invasion of Iran in order to gamble on being asked to stay on rather than "destabilise the government in a time of crisis." After all a change of leadership in such circumstances would be bad for morale.
Power is a very seductive mistress, especially to those with a messianic self image.

READ MORE

DeadHamsterPhone - the latest Must Have...

2007-01-10T08:55:00.000-08:00

I guess you would have to be some kind of idiot genius to buy a dead hamster thinking it was a 3G phone movie player, internet access, a million ring tones and various hands free, ears free, brain free gizmos. But there's a small time criminal down in South Wales currently looking for such a punter.
So how did this crim. come to confuse such a phone with a dead hamster? Well the hamster was all packed up in a nice Eriksson box on the back seat of a parked car.
The hamster's owner is understandably distraught and is getting grief counselling because having been unable to bury his pet he needs to find closure so he can move on.
I can't help thinking however the dead hamster thief could be a struggling taxidermist looking for a way to boost trade. After all a hamster is just the right size to have a modern cellphone inserted in its furry little tummy and what better way to preserve the memory of a beloved pet could there be?
So if you are down in South Wales and you see people walking along the street chatting into a hamster's arse you will know what's going on.

No Dodgy Syrups in Civil Court Cases.

2007-01-05T10:25:00.000-08:00

We're not sure whether the news that soon judges in civil law cases will no longer be required to wear those ridiculous horsehair wigs is a good thing or not.
The question is will the change pressure judges into abandoning also their silk stockings, suspenders and waspie waist-cincher. Or, will the end of this anachronism make them feel liberated enough to choose some entirely more fetching headwear in auburn or blonde from one of those specialist shops we find in the seedy part of town.

ianthorpe at authorsden

They Haven't Thought It Through #nnn (sorry I lost count)

2007-01-04T09:51:00.000-08:00

The Original Paramilitary group The Minutemen was formed in America during the War of Independence when the colonists would rally to the call "The British Are Coming."
Since gaining independence from the British Colonial Yoke, America has fallen into a kind of national paranoia. In the early nineteenth century "The Canadians Are Coming" was the cry (and for once it was true as the Canadian army marched to Washington, said "nyah nyah na nyah nyah" and then went home. A few years later it was The Spanish Are Coming, though they got stuck in Texas because half the army deserted to work as film extras on The Alamo. The Spanish (who at the time were really The French) were superseded by the Mexicans who again got stuck in Texas.
Almost as soon as the Mexicans had come and gone The Indians Are Coming became the rallying call for U.S. paranoia although the Native American tribes were not actually posing any threat other than to people who were trying to run them off their traditional lands. That was followed by "The French Are Coming" as Napoleon 111's puppet Emperor of Mexico, Maximilian succeeded in posing no threat whatsoever.
After that they went back to The Indians Are Coming couples with The Blacks Are Coming as the freed slaves demanded work, land and basic human rights (i.e. the right not to be hanged for being black)
The Minutemen became redundant in WW1 as the threat posed by Germany was to America's rapidly growing economic empire.
The 1940s however the need to defend the homeland against things that did not threaten God, Apple Pie and The American Way arose again. The Japanese were coming.
In the 1950s The Russians Were Coming, in the sixties The Chinks Were Coming, in the seventies The East Coast Liberal Faggots were coming. The eighties saw the return of the Russians. The threat in the 1990s was The Ayatollahs and in the 21st century they are going for broke. Not only are the Bearded Ragheads and The Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys posing a threat to the American way of life, but THE MEXICANS ARE COMING! again.
The latest revival of the minutemen, a group in Arizona, are planning to defend the homeland by building an anti - Mexican fence. Leader Al Garza says the 3m high security fence is not purely symbolic though it does symbolise something (he's not sure what.) Garza insists the fence will have a role in stemming the tide of illegal immigrants.
The Minutemen's fence, when completed will be one mile long. The U.S. border with Mexico is 1995 miles long in total.
Does something tell you they haven't thought it through?

More on American paranoia from Amanda at Pandangon

Will Nothing Shut Those Creationists Up?

2007-01-03T09:20:00.000-08:00

The religious fundamentalists have surely realised that they cause is lost, the world wasn't created in seven days, periods are not a curse put on women by God for Eve's disobedience and we are not all going to suddenly decide we have to believe their idiotic rantings.
All of which my explain why they are getting loonier and more hysterical in their attempts to scare the gullible.

Two posts at Pandongon on the fundie related topics are well woth reading:

Creationism Is One Long Temper Tantrum

The Voice of God

You can also catch up with The Boggart and friend Little Nicky Machiavelli by clicking the links

Cluedo: It Was Gordon Brown In The Surgery With A Spreadsheet.

2007-01-02T10:27:00.000-08:00

Not so long ago Machiavelli blog commented on the planned closures of A & E units and specialist children's facilities as part of the Governments drove to "make the NHS more efficient and give patients more choice." We thought nothing the Department of Health And Bean Counting could do would leave us more gobsmacked than a blatant attack on sick children.
Now we learn that in the interests of efficiency (i.e. saving a few quid) people recovering from major operations will not routinely have follow up appointments with the consultants who treated them but will be referred to their G.P.s
Its true that many follow up appointments are routine and do not require the involvement of a consultant. This is why (and I speak from experience) most follow up appointments at hospitals are conducted by registrars and junior doctors.
While not having attained the highest level these doctors will be specialists in their field and will have daily briefings with their supervisors during which concerns can be raised.
Can we really believe that a G.P. no matter how competent and committed can deal with orthopaedic, cardio-vascular, neurological and oncological cases all in the same day. And if that were realistic, are G.Ps not under enough pressure already from the workload imposed by ever more demanding patients and an implacable bureaucracy?
The Government counters all logical arguments by citing cost, efficiency and "the widening of patients choice" as its justifications. What is really going on however is the withdrawal of an important layer of patient care and an important learning process from the next generation of doctors.
And this LABOUR government has the gall to tell us they are doing us a favour by making it possible for us to choose in which dirty, cash strapped hospital we get third rate care from inadequately trained staff.
And the most scary thing of all about it is thirty per cent of the electorate would still vote for them.

More Murder and Mayhem

A Lament For The World

A Bizarre Story From Derby

2006-12-29T08:56:00.000-08:00

Derbyshire County Council have ordered their webmasters to use content filtering to prevent the Ramblers' Association Derby Dales Group web page being accessed from library internet cafes in the county.
The Derby ramblers' web content falls within the county councils' definition of a sex website the press release reveals.
No surprise then that Derby ramblers "love to go a - wandering along the mountain track" then but just what the hell does rambling involve in the Derby Dales we wonder?
I must ask Mike St. Mark if he has experienced any interesting variations from the norm while walking in the dales.

2006-12-21T10:15:00.000-08:00

Read LITTLE NICKY MACHIAVELLI

...on the Ipswich murders,

...on decriminalising Drugs and Prostitution to stop this violence against women.

Always controversial Little Nicky Machiavelli, economically socialist, socially liberal, envioronmentally Green, represents the cutting edge of libertarian thinking.

Another good read on an equally pressing social problem, anti-social behgaviour in young people from one of my friends. The writer of the letter reprinted on my friend Teri Rotherham's blog is a teenager in a run down industrial town.
http://rotherhamblogspace.blog.co.uk/2006/12/18/youn_people_s_points_of_view~1453001

Those whom the Gods Would Destroy - #1

2006-12-15T10:07:00.000-08:00

Those Whom The Gods Would Destroy... #1
Those whom the gods would destroy they first make ridiculous. Dare we hope then that the forces of natural justice have something spectacularly nasty planned for the Labour politicians who have surpassed in arrogance the last days of John Major's tory government. Because events atre certainly making the dark lords of the New Labour project look a right bunch of twats.
Let us all rejoice then at the news that in this season of merriment an official Labour Party DVD containing Blair's last speech to conference as leader and a film record of Labour's years in office titled Labour Achievement Film (interesting acronym there BTW) has been reduced to £5 per copy to clear stocks.

http://authorsden.com/ianthorpe

Killjoymas

2006-12-04T09:35:00.000-08:00

Following on from last weeks revelations about the Health and Safety Executive's plan to make sure all trees with the potential to fall over in high winds are properly managed with public safety the foremost consideration we bring you more news of Health and Safety fascism from the uber - jobsworths of Tower Hamlets Borough Council.
Last year these halfwit bureaucrats earned ridicule for banning all Merry Christmas type messages lest they offend the delicate sensibilities on non - Christians.
This year, with the complicity of Health and Safety Inspectors they have banned all wall and ceiling mounted decorations in all council premises because staff could be seriously injured while putting them up.

WMD in Mayfair

2006-11-28T09:25:00.000-08:00

Recalling yesterday's Machiavelli Blog which commented on events surrounding the unfortunate death of the alleged former Russian agent Alexander Litvinenko, it seems the murder investigation has nor found evidence of many caches (well OK, traces) of radio active toxins in various fashionable establishments in London's West End.
Far more evidence of weapons of mass destruction than was found in the whole of Iraq.
So when can we expect the Bush / Blair axis of stupidity to occupy the area of expensive shops and restaurants bounded by Oxford St. Regent St. Park Lane and Piccadilly with a view to imposing regime change?

A Very Funny Blog Post

2006-11-27T10:30:00.000-08:00

Liz Davis posted this especially for me but I had to share it, its so funny. If you're not English but know who Tony Blair is is still very funny. If you don't know who Tony Blair is, he's head of the British Government so armed with that you can still laugh at this blog.

The New Union Jack

Oo-er missis; its the tree hugging cannibals

2006-11-23T09:50:00.000-08:00

In last night's episode of Torchwood (yes, I like Torchwood, after a dodgy first episode it has me suspending disbelief with great enthusiasm) the story was set around a remote farm in the Brecon Beacons. The locals had a very quaint tradition. Every ten years they would round up strangers in the area and eat them (shades if I'm the only cannibal in the village there I thought.) When the Torchwood statutory pretty girl asked the chief cannibal why they did this he replied "because it makes me happy." A chilling reminder there that among all the humandroids, shapeshifters, pan dimensional fart creatures and orgasm - eating aliens that pass through Cardiff's rip in the time - space continuum, good old human evil still has a lot to answer for.
Well that was how I saw it last night.
In this morning's paper I read that the nation's most famous tree hugger, Prince Charles, has just bought a run down farm in the Brecon Beacons.
Oo-er missis, is that coincidence or are sinister forces at work here?

Check out this poem about the consequences of messing with stuff we don't understand

I Just Met A Girl Named Maria

2006-11-12T09:44:00.000-08:00

From time to time something happens that makes me feel I am once more young and attractive to the opposite sex. Such an instance was the e-mail I received this week from Maria. She wrote:
"Hello Mr. Thorp. I am dark hair Russian, age 26, attractive professional lady and working in marketing structure selling cosmetic (ooh that accent sends chills up and down my spine.).I read your details on world wide web and find you interesting, attractive man (Isn't she wonderful?) I am intelligent, mature woman who is ready for creating family with good man. (ah - erm, creating family? As in making babies? She obviously didn't read the bit about the vasectomy...) Even if this is not your searching for in the future it would be fine if we can meet and do friendship (friendship, bugger! I thought I'd scored) or maybe do more than just friendship (I have scored!)
Mail me,
yours with love and many kisses, (now hang on girl, we haven't been properly introduced)
Maria.
Needless to say I'm all of a flutter wondering does she have green eyes and those classic Russian cheekbones, is her accent really that cute and will the overdraft stretch to an hour of her time or just a quickie?

Lightning Exits Woman's Bottom

2006-10-14T09:37:00.000-07:00

It must be the greatest newspaper headline of all time or the ultimate in anal eroticism and so long as there are such stories the traditional media has nothing to fear from us miserable rabble of bloggers.
But can this story from The Australian possibly be true?
Well yes, it is actual actuality actually.
Mrs Natasha Tomarovic told The Australian's reporter, "I was brushing my teeth and had just put my mouth under the tap to rinse when the bolt must have struck the building. I don't remember much else.
After treating Mrs. Tomarovic for burns to the mouth and anus a doctor said, "its a bizarre occurrence but not impossible: she was wearing rubber bath shoes at the time so instead of earthing through her feet the electricity shot out of her backside."
Its not quite the same as the sun shining out of someone's arse but is probably as near as anyone will get in this realm of reality.

Sewer Thing

2006-09-14T08:39:00.000-07:00

The Belgian city of Charleroi has been hit by a spate of drain-cover thefts because of rising metal prices. About 70 sewer lids made from cast iron have vanished since Thursday of last week, an official at the town hall said. A 40kg sewer lid can be sold on the black market for roughly e6 (£4), the official said. "We have put pressure on resellers of metals and warned them they will be prosecuted if they are found with lid covers," he said.

As they say in my part of the world "where there's muck there's money."

Shot Through The Foot Again

2006-09-13T08:38:00.000-07:00

We should never underestimate the ability of Americans to shoot themselves in the foot. The hymn chosen for yesterday's wrath laying ceremony at Ground Zero was the unsurpassably inappropriate " The Son Of God Goes Forth To War."
The lyric starts off like this:
The Son of God goes forth to war,
A kingly crown to gain,
His blood red banner streams afar,
Who follows in his train.
It then goes on in the same vein for several morte verses. Now call Little Nick an namby - pamby appeaser if you like but I would have thought that is just asking for trouble. Its a bit like slapping your enemy's face with your golve and then unzipping your pants and pissing on his boots.
So are we surprised to hear on this morning's news that the U.S. Embassy in Damascus is under attack?
All together now,

Our Debt to Islam

2006-09-10T09:20:00.000-07:00

As we get ready for the annual ritual outpouring of emotion that surrounds 9/11 I decided that the western world forgets too easily who we have to thank for our civilisation. During the "dark ages" it was Christianity, not the pagans that tried to eradicate learning and knowledge and the sciences we now depend on so much were only preserved in the Islamic world.

Read my article Our Debt To Islam at Gather.com or at Authorsden.com

Ed Butt Is Back

2006-09-05T10:29:00.000-07:00

After taking a long break from verbally nutting celebrity, political and corportate two faced bastards bastards and helping consolidate the position of my friend Little Nicky Machiavelli I, Ed Butt am back.

Chck out these stories and the accompanying comments to get a taster of what you are in for

The troubles of and teachers with boobs

Is Big Business The Baddie

You can also see more of the most irreverent, funniest writing on the web at
Machiavelli hard hitting political and social comment
Boggart Blog from the surreal to the ridiculous, you will not find a finnier blog.

Pals (In Memoriam)

2006-07-01T08:58:00.000-07:00

Today is the 90th anniversary of the battle of the Somme in which over a million men died. My hometown, Accrington was badly affected. Young conscripts had all been assigned to the same battalion of the East Lancashire regiment and went "over the top" together. In a few minutes an entire generation of the town's men had been wiped out.

As America looks with incresing belligerence towards Iran and the slughter continues in Afghanistan and Iraq, remember with me The Accrington Pals and join the movement to stop this insanity repeating again and again.

More anti - war and anti oppression poems by Ian Thorpe
Songs of Glory
western monkeys
Afghan Woman

The World Cup

2006-06-11T08:29:00.000-07:00

Once every four years the world unites and America stands on the sidelines affecting diffident superiority but really seething because the world's premier sporting fixture is taking place (forget the Olympics, what has synchronised swimming to do with sport) and neither America's money nor military might can ensure success.

To find out more about The World Cup and why America's most gallant sportsmen and best ambassadors with once more be ignored in their own country, go to Welcome To Our World Cup

One of the great traditions of the world cup is the crappy songs supporters sing. As America does not have one of these because the American media have as usual, remained oblivious to the fact there is a world outside America, I revampred an old England song for them. check out the lyric for Vindaloo, with links to audio and video

Before We Forget How To Be

2006-05-20T10:11:00.000-07:00

Have you forgotten how to be? Not do, just be. We are all encouraged to identify ourselves by what we are doing but I think that's what is driving us crazy.

Read Before We Forget How To Be and maybe you will find out how to get a different perspective on life.

And as that is a tad serious by my standards why not check out What The Dickens, a surreal comedy tale in the style of Charles Dickens.

The secret of invisibility A poem about a different state of being.

Fires of Love (Beltane celebration)

2006-05-01T08:47:00.000-07:00

All artound the world Mayday is celebrated in many different guises, but all the various celebrations have a common root in the pagan festival of renewal that in Western Europe is known as Beltane.

Hop over to Authors Den and check out Ian Thorpe's beltane poem and the write up of the significance of Beltane ( literally good fire) to our ancestors.

Fires of Love at Authors Den

Cheesier than Stinking Bishop?

2006-04-28T09:47:00.000-07:00

Camelbert is the new cheese in the Mauritanian capital, Nouakchott. The "fromage de chamelle" slips down a treat with a glass of red wine, with a taste of tangy goat's cheese. Cheese connoisseurs can choose between the original brand Caravane, and the newly launched Sahara. Both sell for 800 ouguiya, or about £1.70.

I love cheese but I will pass on that one.

Boggart Blog

More Ian Thorpe

An Exclusive on the World's Greatest Celebrity

2006-04-21T10:34:00.000-07:00

Everybody loves a celebrity story and there is no bigger celebrity that the Queen of England. Our sister publication Boggart Blog managed to get ace undercover reporter Jenny Greenteeth, the evil water spirit (and world's first celebrity evil spirit) into Windsor CAstle disguised as the water in a vase of flowers and she sent back an exclusive recording of the conversation that went on between The Queen and Prince Philip over breakfast.

Find it online now at Boggart Blog Inside Windsor Castle

Cruisin' for a (verbal) bruisin'

2006-04-16T09:56:00.000-07:00

So Tom Cruise has relented and said that his wife can scream as much as she likes when their pointy - eared Thetan sprog is born. I should think so too, engrams be damned; if there is one time a woman needs to let of steam it is when she is pushing a baby into the world.

Cruise is a scientologist of course and so believes that civilisation was dropped of on Earth by a race called the Thetans whose women did not scream when they gave birth because it filled the baby with negative energies. (What is not mentioned in L Ron Hubbard's philosophy though is that the Thetans were pinheads.

Read more on noisy human childbirth at The Birth of the Air Turns Blues

Also as a follow up to yesterday's item check out the truth about the

The True Tale of The Easter Bunny

2006-04-15T09:56:00.000-07:00

Ever thought the Easter story does not make sense. How did eggs and bunnies get mixed up with the crucifixion myth?
Is there something we weren't told in school.

You bet there is.

Check out The True Tale Of The Easter Bunny for the real story on the crucifixin myth, the easter egg thing and the easter bunny.

and if you need a laugh to brighten up the holiday check out the latest at
Boggart Blog

A Few Snippets To Amuse Or Provoke

2006-04-09T09:07:00.000-07:00

I found this item at Sara Coslett's blog over at Authorsden.

*** Please Spread This Poll All Over The Internet -- Especially to News Media so They can see that it is Now Alright to Tell The TRUTH About the Bush Crime Family. That they seemed to have started doing on Thursday about the Bush / Cheney Responsibility for the Plame leaks !

Poll - Should Bush be in jail

Then I came across some amusing Bushisms at Very Random Blog of a Very Random Person. I am amazed the Scientologists are not hailing Bush as a God, he's not from this planet is he?

And finally, find out how we Brits go about belittling our politicians at Boggart Blog

Murdoch's Myspace Mistake?

2006-04-04T10:33:00.000-07:00

Have you signed up for myspace, The Dirty Digger's music and social networking site yet. It is said to appeal to "the young" so why are Jenny Greenteeth (5000) and Little Nicky Machiavelli (570) there you might well ask, I mean they are hardly in the 16 to 24 demographic are they?Well these two have a nose for a disaster of course and were drawn to the site when they heard Rupert M has invested upwards of $500million.
Now he didn't do that from charity, so how can the cash be recouped? A web pundit says the site, with its 63million members worldwide is a cash cow waiting to me milked. Trouble is whenever new media pundits say things like that about anything on the web, the fools who invest find they are not milking a cash cow but pulling an angry bull's dick.
Read more at
Murdoch's" Myspace Mistake

Condi In The Land Of Pie Eaters

2006-04-02T10:33:00.000-07:00

So what was the real reason for the visit of Condoleeza Rice to the old industrial towns of Lancashire this week. Was it simply to promote better relations between Britain and America as we were told?

Well when was anything the politicians told us true?

Could the whole thing really have been about neutralising Iran with a secret weapon the British have previously kept to themselves?

Find out what was really going on, read the whole story of Condi In The Land of Pie Eaters at
Authors Den

2006-03-29T08:55:00.000-08:00

Heard about new Britpop sensation The Arctic Monkeys?
Have you read how they are taking America by storm?
Does it start to sound like you've heard it all before?
Did it leave an unpleasant aftertaste like the chemically laden empty calories of fast food?

To find out if there is any substance to the Arctic Monkeys or if it is all just hype visit Boggart Blog, probably the funniest blog on the web

Beloved Succubus (poem with audio track) - Gothic Horror

2006-03-19T10:10:00.001-08:00

Beloved Succubus - dream come true or worst nightmare, you decide. Check out this text and audion presentation at Authors Den - Beloved Succubus

The Boggart Wades In To The Abortion Debate

2006-03-19T10:10:00.000-08:00

Expect a headbutt of an article when you visit Abortion - Pro Life equals Pro Death . Boggart Blogger Ian does not mince words in his attack on moves in the US to make all abortion illegal.
Strong stuff here, arguing for enlightenment.

Father's Away Day

2006-03-14T10:10:00.000-08:00

Should the father be present at the birth of a child or should we go back to the traditional approach of dispatching him to the pub where he can't get in the way. Get a new perspective at Boggart Blog

Return of the Boggart

2006-03-08T10:10:00.000-08:00

Wow, is it really that long since I was here.

Been having a lot of fun working on audio poems for a CD release, its very time consuming sitting around in a studio for days.

Take a look at what we have been doing by checking out Beloved Succubus and watch this blog for more audio coming online.

And visit Boggart Blog my regularly updated blog site full of whacky British humour

Back Soon

"Don't Be Evil" - unless its for money

2006-01-30T08:57:00.000-08:00

Google like to present themselves as the good guys who are organising our lives for us so that all the information in the world is at our fingertips.
But do they have a hidden agenda, or even many hidden agendas?

Little Nicky Machiavelli thinks they do. Check out what he has to say on the subject at Machiavelli: Don't Be Evil - unless its for money

Do You Know Where You Are

2006-01-25T10:19:00.000-08:00

I have always found it useful when travelling to know where I am, and not just that but to know where I set out from and where I am trying to get to.
For hints on how to acquire this valuable skill visit
Do You Know Where You Are?

Lots of Stuff

2006-01-23T09:34:00.000-08:00

Plenty to read today from Ed and his friends

If you are into scientific demolition jobs you will enjoy:

Intelligent Design or Incredible Dumbness

but if Intelligent Design advocates make you laugh this site will make you piss yourself
God's Blog
The original God - Dagda (his name means Good in ancient Irish and in medieval English and modern Scandinavian languages God simple merans good) talks about INTELLIGENT DESIGN - STUPID LOGIC

or you can take a look at The Boggart's p.o.v. on the latest sex scandal in British politics here:

Lib Dems shot themselves in the dog

How Very Dare They?

2006-01-22T09:48:00.000-08:00

People often ask me how I can say that Google is the worst search engine on the web (except for all the others) and that Google investors should wave their money goodbye.

Well I just looked at my blog and saw that on Headbutt, probably the most irreverent and anti religion blog on the whole of blogspot I am featuring two adverts for fundie "give us your money" websites.

Google adsense uses "artificial intelligence" to target ads at particular sites. Artificial intelligence my arse, spam is more discerning.

Welcome Back Osama

2006-01-20T09:47:00.000-08:00

Nice to see old OBL back on our screens. But is it a coincidence that the old pantomime villain has reappeared just as the 2005 panto season winds down in theatres all over Britain.

Check out a typically British take on Osama's reappearance at
Boggart Blog

And for those of you unfortunate enough to be foreigners here are a couple of sites that may explain the uniquely British form of theatre that is PANTOMIME:

It's Behind You dot.com - the magic of pantomime

What makes the British so British

Do You Need A Life Coach

2006-01-15T09:47:00.000-08:00

Check out this very funny item, Life Coaching at Boggart Blog

Laughs

2006-01-08T09:06:00.000-08:00

After yesterday's seriousness here there are still loads of laughs to be had at Boggart Blog

Goodbye Charlie
Size Does Matter

and many more hilarious posts.

My Problem With God

2006-01-07T10:50:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine in the U.S.A. after having a few emotional problems has been targeted by an evil Christian mindbending cult who are polluting her brain with the most repugnant nonsense I have ever engountered. So I have gone to war for her, I hope I can win here in cybersoace because I don't fancy storming a fortified compound in Waco single handed.

Let me say before I start, there is only one God I have a problem with, the God of the Bible fundamentalists, the great celestial puppet master whom they would have us believe is pulling everybody's strings. The more distant God of the Anglicans, the Unitarians, Quakers, Wesleyans, Allah, Brahmin etc. are all fine by me.

Some years ago, as most people who have read me will be aware, I spent almost a year hospitalised, much of it in a rehabilitation unit. I recovered from the after effects of a massive brain haemorrhage pretty well but occasionally get messages from people who have read my story and want to tell me how God was with me, and loved me and gave me the strength to get through my ordeal. And those messages really make me really angry.
I guess my responses have confused a few well meaning but misguided people; sorry about that, but you should not assume we all share your religiosity.
When that life illness changed my life I was forty - eight, had a very successful career behind me having got started on that career late following ten years of good times in the valley of hippiedom. Also I have promoted rock bands, owned race horses, worked in radio, had some success as a writer, travelled, had many lovers, brought up a family; in short I had already lived a life and a half when, prematurely, it almost ended.
Once out of intensive care and finding myself in a unit for the newly disabled, reality hit hard; though the therapy was good and the staff very helpful, this experience was more emotionally draining that the immediate aftermath of the haemorrhage.
There were young people in the unit who had terrible problems health problems with no hope of recovery. Worst were the people suffering from degenerative diseases that had been causing loss of body and brain function since childhood. There was one young girl, Susan, whose degenerative illness had started at adolescence. She would have probably developed into a very pretty woman with an engaging personality had things not gone wrong. By the time we met she could not speak, had no control of any muscles, was doubly incontinent ( a medical euphemism that glosses over the utter loss of dignity involved) and yet when I used to read aloud to her, because she could not hold a book, the gratitude in her eyes for that simple human contact often reduced me to tears. She still had a very human need for contact and companionship, so think of the humiliation she suffered every day, isolated in that dysfunctional shell of a body. Yet some people would insist the will of God in his wisdom was somehow involved in prolonging her life - but to look at it from my perspective the intervention of any supreme being was only condemning her to a slow, lingering death.
There was no getting better for Susan, she was in the unit because she could no longer be looked after at home and the unit was the only place that had the facilities to give the care needed until a place in a hospice became available.
In the end time did its grim work before she could be moved. Another thing I remember about her is the guilt of her parents who felt that in some way they were responsible for what had happened.
Around that time a hate - fuelled Pentecostalist preacher (I think it was Falwell) was expounding the notion that people who are disabled are being punished by God for the sins of their ancestors. There are many aspects of "Christian" doctrine I find absolutely repugnant but that is surely the worst, apart maybe from the people who would say that whatever had happened to Susan, God still loved her (if that is how God loves people I hope he hates me.) From what I know of the lifestyle and personality of Yesu bin Yussuf a.k.a. Jesus of Nazareth, (which is a whole lot more that most Christians know,) he would be pretty pissed off to hear people connecting his name with such despicable ideas.

Susan was not the only tragic case of course, diseases that cause damage to and degeneration of the brain are made worse by their unpredictability. There was a woman who would deliberately spill food onto the table and sit banging a spoon in it in order to get attention (regression to infant behaviour is quite common), a man who could only say "when," a woman who would scream like wounded animal but could not tell anybody why she was screaming, a young mother who some days did not recognise her children, many others; most younger than me and none of whom had had my advantages in life. There were people who had lost all power of communication as familiar words would just not come on demand, people whose memories had been wiped out, people who just slumped in chairs twitching and dribbling.
And you know something, none of these were bad people, they were just unfortunate. Chance plays such a huge role in our lives it is constantly surprising that the religious cannot see as such most of what the ascribe to God. The proof that any superior being that might exist plays no part in our lives lies in the randomness of misfortune, so often the bad, the amoral and selfish seem to sail though everything totally unscathed while it is those who try to treat everybody fairly, who show tolerance, who "do unto others as you would have them do unto you," who get shafted by cruel chance. It is the sheer inconsistency with which good fortune is distributed that condemns the God of Abraham and Ezekiel as the creation of charlatans, confidence tricksters and control freaks. This explains why they are such liars, constantly concocting false evidence and claiming it proves the Bible is true, or naming a real person and passing it off as proof of the Bible's veracity. Yes, there was an Emperor Tiberius and a Governor of Palestine called Pontias Pilate, there was also Kings Macbeth, Duncan and Malcolm but it does not makes Shakespeare's play a documentary, the fact that there was a Scottish renegade called William Wallace who rebelled against King Robert the Bruce and led an army against King Edward the First of England does not make the film Braveheart factual. There was actually a King Midas. Did his touch turn his daughter to gold? Decide for yourselves, there is no evidence that it didn't but it seems unlikely. See what I am getting at?

What did you think of the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina? Did you say "Hallelujah to that!" each time some preacher of the Pauline gospel of hatred and bigotry stood up and said that God had punished the city of New Orleans for the sins of its gays, prostitutes and drug users? Or did you think "hey, hold on, weren't there a lot of evangelical Christians killed too, a lot of innocent children and many people who had just worked had and tried to live good lives, people who did not deserve to suffer (not that the gays, prostitutes and druggies deserved to suffer anyway. I am not aware of any preacher saying that the shyster lawyers, the crooked accountants and financiers or the corrupt officials, the people who do untold harm, deserved to suffer.) Yes the Hurricane and its attendant flood killed indiscriminately. Randomness again you see, we know why hurricanes and tsunamis happen but cannot stop them or control the damage they do. Could a natural disaster ever single out the Al Quaeda activists and spare the people who are Muslim simply because they were born in a Muslim country just as many of us are nominally Christian just because we were born in a Christian country.

Look at the third world. Now I accept that some of the arguments that the problems of Africa and Asia are self inflicted, certain traditions do not help in the fight against hunger and disease. African witch doctors who recommend having sex with a pre-pubescent virgin as a cure for Aids should be locked up as should Indian politicians who support forced marriage and "honour killings". But they should be locked up with the Christian loonys who say that anyone who uses a condom will be cast down into hell. Such ignorant and Neanderthal attitudes are not exactly going to help solve the problem are they?
Malaria is Africa's other great killer of course. It would be very simple to eradicate Malaria due to the fact that the mosquitoes known to carry the infection tend to get the munchies between one and two a.m. So if people are asleep under their mosquito nets at that time they are much safer. It costs less than $10 per home to provide netting impregnated with a slow release mosquito repellent. There will still be some infections of course but the numbers would be so reduced that the drugs needed to treat those cases could easily be funded. Yet what did one European aid worker find when she asked the congregation in a Ugandan Baptist church what they needed to fight Malaria? She reported that they replied with one voice, that of the pastor, "We need Bibles and Prayer Books and a new church." It makes me want to swear. But you have to give them credit for consistency. If there are a thousand sensible solutions to a problem and one that is idiotic, they will go for the idiotic one every time.
If we did eradicate Malaria and Aids there would be a population explosion and ensuing famine. This is why we need to get reactionary Christian groups attached to the Catholic and Pentecostalist factions out of Africa. They do more harm than good.
Surely malaria has been around so long even the most idiotically insane religious maniac can understand that empty prayers thrown at an empty sky will never solve anything. Take God out of the equation and we have a chance of getting somewhere. If there is a God and he loves the people of those African and Asian states, truly loves them, he would get out of their lives and let the modernisers and project managers get on with the job of changing things.
The reality is that as time goes on torture is heaped on torture, misery is piled on misery until it seems this God creature created humankind simply so that he would have somebody to be mean to. Preachers of all the Abrahamic religions must accept that people will have sex, its what we are programmed to do. When the hormones call no holy book can make our ears deaf. The message of the three Abrahamic religions and of some forms of Hinduism though is a message that makes us loathe our humanity, as if it is flesh rather than the holy book that stands between us and our Holy Grail.

And God loves me does he. You may have guessed by now that the feeling is not mutual. I would like to know why the mean old bastard hated those other hopeless people that he tortured so randomly, the poor, the ignorant, the sick, the unfortunates who were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time, because most of them had not had the chance to sample the things I had enjoyed. Why did he not show a bit of compassion to the kid in the rehab unit whose nervous system was decaying, or to the little girl whose body was pictured floating face down in a New Orleans street. I refuse to abase myself before an imaginary being who is simply the vehicle for politicians who seek to rule through fear and preachers who seek to inflate their own importance by undermining the self - esteem of ordinary people. I refuse to give credibility to that imaginary being. Does anyone apart from me deserve credit for my recovery? Yes, my family and friends who never let me give up and never allowed me to lose my sense of humour, the doctors, nurses and therapists who responded brilliantly when I said "let's forget the textbook, my vocabulary does not contain words like impossible. I am going to walk again, end of story." I did walk again and built a decent quality of life but only through sustained effort, self - belief, pride and the encouragement of human beings. For the first time in their careers those health workers who cared for me had someone with real leadership qualities to respond to and they responded brilliantly. Its the human beings who do great things when something can motivate them to work together. and when human beings join together great things are bound to happen. Once God is involved because some self - serving preacher insists on giving God credit for what people have done, everything falls apart. God never does anything. Look at the history of the world over the last 2000 years if you do not believe me.

If anybody had said to me that God was punishing me for things in my life I could have accepted it although I would put it rather differently; living too fast for too long caught up with me, God had nothing to do with it because God only exists in the minds of those who believe. I know I am right because were I to give God any credit for my recovery it could only be on condition that he accepted responsibility for Susan and all the others, for the victims of earthquake, tsunami and hurricane for all the bad things. You can't be omnipotent and have Teflon shoulders. Unless we all forget about God, and start working together regardless of creed, colour and nationality, things can only get worse. Pray as much as you like, God is never going to save our world.
Now those people who want me to accept that my recovery is all thanks to the intervention of God will be rushing to make excuses for him, the idea that an omnipotent, omnipresent super being who needs mortals to make excuses for him will not strike them as ridiculous, they will remind me that we are "not meant to understand the ways of God", that "the will of God should not be questioned," and that the Lord moves in mysterious ways his woodwork to perform, (or something like that.) I challenge you to stop protecting God. Let him be subjected to critical analysis. open your eyes and see. Believers will not agree of course, because once God is subjected to examination it becomes clear that the God of Ezekiel and Abraham is purely the invention of a politically motivated priesthood.
You have two options, (1) Gods is an incompetent clown (2)God does not exist.
but being a generous kind of guy I will give you a third, one that Jesus would not have a problem with; God, Jah, Brahmin, Allah, Manitou, Cronos, Awen, call him what you like is a being without consciousness, a unifying idea or energy that can only help us when we learn to help each other regardless of colour, creed, sexuality or language. You may believe what you like but you prove your beliefs false the moment you start to say that there is no other way of viewing the world but that decreed by your religion.

As the British poet and visionary William Blake said, "religion wages war on human nature."

Something to smile about

2006-01-03T09:43:00.000-08:00

New Year getting you down already? Dreading the Credit Card bill, wondering how you are ever going to get your arse into your work trousers again? Wondering if you have a job to go back to or if your function has been relocated to China?
These might raise a wry smile...
Happy New Year (or maybe not)
Pantomime Politics
Social Progress

Read about the craziest compensation claim of the year at Boggart Blog

AND

Keep up with the latest from the God's of the Celtic pantheon at God's Blog

The Christmas Feeling

2005-12-30T08:52:00.000-08:00

Not feeling festive? Need a laugh? Visit the Boggart

Or are you feeling guilty about stuffing yourself and getting rat-arsed drunk because of all those Christiany messages about the real meaning of Christmas.

Pour a drink, get yoiurself some tasty snacks and read Machiavelli on the true meaning of Christmas.

And have a really good New Year.

Favourite Chistmas Joke

2005-12-23T09:22:00.001-08:00

Good King Wesceslaus phoned his local pizza hut and said "My usual please"
"The Manager said, "Right away sir, deep pan, crisp and even."

More jokes and one liners

...

Phishing - the right response

2005-12-23T09:22:00.000-08:00

Ever wondered how to reply to those Nigerian Gentlemen who will transfer a million dollars/pounds/euros to your account if you will just furnish tem with you account deatails.

Scottish stand - up comedian Janey Godley has found the perfect way. Go to Janey's blog and read her replies to Mr Stephen Igho.

Janey Godley's blog

Dance Me To The End Of Sanity

2005-12-22T09:11:00.000-08:00

Are men who are good at dancing more sexy?
A team of scientists have found that men who are good at dancing have the most sex appeal.
That scientists can be so arse - brained as to carry out such a pointless survey should astound nobody. That scientists can draw such an arse - brained conclusion makes one wonder if the Intelligent Design people might be onto something after all, because the study was inspired by one of Darwin's theories.
Now men of my generation, who have always known that dancing is something you would not be seen dead doing unless you are trying to cop off will understand that trying to acquire skills at dancing is deeply suspect behaviour in a man (too narcissistic to be homosexual even.)
According to Prof. William Brown of Rutgers University, New Jersey, dancing ability is one of the most important qualities women seek in potential mates. Prof. Brown does not offer any further elaboration so I must refer to the UK's most learned academic forum, the Lounge Bar at the Albion for an explanation.
The "Golden Chamber" has concluded after many years of study and debate that women are naturally predisposed to pick the most useless males on the basis that total wankers are more likely to need "mothering." Yes, women may complain of the general total-tosserishness of their mates but if they will insist on mating with guys who are more interested in "perfecting their moves" than learning how to pout a new washer on a tap then who is to blame when the kitchen floor is flooded again.
Prof. Brown further demonstrates how long it is since any of his team visited Planet Reality by suggesting his survey proves women are more choosy in selecting partners.
CALUMNY!
Men take time, we look for many qualities; warm, outgoing personality, modest tastes in drinks and gifts, attractive hair, smart clothes, sexy eyes, CSL, firm arse, pert breasts, and of course, IS SHE UP FOR IT? And for this they brand us commitmentphobes.
On the other hand I remember saying to a female member of my team once "Tracey, this is the third time in four months he's sent you to work with black eyes, why do you stay," to which Tracey replied "he's a great dancer but he gets so wound up before competitions."
Let's face it, some women are just too easy to impress. A man can be a total bastard, so long as he is good at dancing he's certain to score.
But we all know (even women who marry such guys) that good dancers posses in abundance all the qualities women claim to hate. What kind of a man is willing to make a total twat of himself in front of all his mates by getting out on a dance floor and poncing about like Ricky Gervais on Meth?
Oh well, we can take comfort in the fact that the survey was carried out in New Jersey.

Boggart Blog

The Headless Horseman

2005-12-21T10:12:00.000-08:00

'tis the season to be silly lalalalalaaa - lalalalaa

A whacky ghost tale for the winter's nights, told as a Scottish Ballad in the style of the great William McGonagall. Follow the link to read the text and hear the audio version.

http://www.blog.co.uk/index.php/greenteeth/2005/12/21/a_seasonal_ghost_story~405511

The Grey and White Peril Coming To Your Backyard

2005-12-20T10:25:00.000-08:00

A new hazard threatens the peace and security of the Nimby's who so recently fled the social chaos of the urban jungle to seek a better quality of life in the country. These people are now clamouring to get back into loft apartments cocooned safely in the regeneration areas of the city centres as nature red in tooth and claw conspires to drive them to new levels of paranoia. The nimbys are under threat as gangs on Badgers roam the fields and hedgerows threatening to spread T.B. and Bird Flu among dogs, cats, ornamental poultry and garden gnomes. The Badgers, mostly young and predominantly male, feel marginalised and alienated by the way their environment has been bulldozed to make way for Persimmon Homes Developments.
"I feel some sympathy for them in a way" said Chief Inspector Eric Hunt of the Merchantbankershire police, even a one bedroomed starter hole round here can cost close to quarter of a million. What chance has a local Badger of ever getting on the mortgage ladder?"
Investment Bankers Rupert and Jacintha Offcomer told Boggart Blog that the police are hostile to people like themselves because they are newcomers.
"Our cat Raffles is was traumatised when a young Badger in a hoodie stopped her and asked if she was sorted for TB and Bird Flu." she said Jacintha (32) and looking radiant in a scoop necked T-shirt from D&G.
Rupert (37) then added "that is just the kind of thing we moved out here to get away from as his wife broke down in tears.

"It's a difficult situation" said Eric Hunt, "We are trying to work with the leaders of the Badger community but each time we arrest a renegade Badger it just attracts new recruits for the gangs. Some people say we should get tough, but if you send an unruly young Badger to prison, a few months later you release a fully trained criminal into the community. No, I think we should persevere with Anti Social Badger Orders and ask the rich, privileged, egomaniacal cu..... country émigrés to be a little more tolerant. After all, the Badgers were here before the Bankers.

Check out more humour at Boggart Blog

Cup - Bearer to the Celebs

2005-12-19T09:13:00.000-08:00

Mariah Carey would have us believe that she is a regular sort of girl who does not mind getting her hands dirty and not the egomaniacal diva some sections of the media suggest.
So what does a regular sort of girl do when she goes into Starbucks? Well if she is in any way at all regular she does not take her cup-bearer along.
You might think that cup bearing is a profession that died out with the Olympian Gods of Ancient Greece. Gods are too important to lift cups to their own lips of course, so they had Hebe* who had previously been a herder of Peacocks, another profession for which there is not much call down at the local job - centre, and Ganymede, a beautiful young man, carried off by Zeus to replace Hebe as tastes in Olympia became more sophisticated (or less Arcadian and more Greek.)
A picture in this weekends' press shows Ms. Carey attended by her cup bearer who solicitously holds a polystyrene cup while La Donna Mariah sucks on a plastic straw.
One wonders what will be the next ego-inflating fad among the celeb culture? Who will be first to emulate King Henry VIII and appoint a Groom Of The Stool (or in the language of the street, a Royal Arse Wiper. I have it on good authority that the position was created before Henry got too fat to wipe. Presumably he was too busy sacking monasteries and topping his wives to bother with mundane tasks.
If Posh was too proud to push will she also be too weird to wipe. Will J-Lo appoint a cludgie assistant to work alongside the eyebrow assistant, the bikini line assistant and the moustache assistant (oops - that's another "cease and desist" on the way.)
Would I apply for the job of Mariah's arse wiper? Certainly not.
Now if it was Kate Winslet...

*Hebe trebled up as Goddess of Youth. In an excellent TV adaptation of Mary Wesley's novel "Herding Peacocks" she was portrayed by Serena Scott- Thomas (a relative of Kristen and just as lovely) who provided the most erotic TV scene ever when she posed in front of a full length mirror, naked except for a red hat and matching stiletto heeled shoes, thus providing both front and back view.

Boggart Blog: Cup - bearer to the celebs

There Are Many Diseases That Strike People's Kneeses

2005-12-14T09:29:00.000-08:00

A Korean family hoping to cure their mother’s weak knees bid nearly $120,000 (£70,000) at an auction for a set of wild ginseng roots. Yonhap news agency reported that an entrepreneur and his brothers made the bid. The package of six roots included specimens 110 years old. Ginseng is highly valued in Korea for its perceived healing and potency benefits.

Reminds me of a poem called Scorflufus by the late, Great Spike Milligan...

There are many diseases
that strike people's kneeses,
Scorflufus is one by name.
It comes from the east
packed in barrels of yeast
so the Chinese must take half the blame.
There's a case on the files
Of Sir Barington Pyles
Who, while out hunting foxes one day
shot up in the air
and remained hanging there
While the hairs on his socks turned grey...

and that is more than convention reasonably allows me to quote from this piece (Copyright Spike Milligan)

How safe are your electronic transactions?

2005-12-12T09:00:00.000-08:00

Read Boggart Blog on the perils of supposedly secure Chip and Pin systems for electronic transactions

Chip and Pin on my shoulder

The Chronicles of Nadia?

2005-12-09T08:43:00.000-08:00

On seeing the schedule of new film releases for this week I had a panic attack. "Oh no," I screamed, "some idiot has made a film about that noisy transsexual from Big Brother, the one with the stupendously unreal breasts. But the reality was worse, I had read Nadia for Narnia; someone has made a film about those stupendously boring children's books that a certain type of adult was always very keen to force on us in the 1950s and 60s. The story of The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe had great appeal as an indoctrination tool because it was claimed to be an allegory for the Jesus myth (where does the wardrobe come into it? you might well ask. Well Jesus was a carpenter. Oh yes, they were originally a trio before he left to form his own band. Rumour has it he was jealous of Richard's somewhat suspect relationship with Karen.) You see that Christian allegory is all rubbish. LW&W is a nazi allegory. Think about it, were the Pevensie family black? No, they were Middle class English protestants. Why was the messiah character portrayed as a Lion? Well everybody knows Lions are not Jewish. And the plot? After a spot of unrest among the plebs the Lion is killed which throws the Kingdom of Narnia into despair. When the Lion is then resurrected everyone realises it is folly to question authority and they all start toeing the line with unquestioning obedience. C.S. Lewis was a white supremacist from a privileged background. In his version of Christianity, Jesus was an Anglo - Saxon apologist for the ruling classes. Do you want to expose your kids to this stuff?

Fortunately my family were left wing bohemians and kept me well away from such stuff. I was brought up on The Wind In The Willows, in which of course the creatures of the riverbank form a revolutionary militia the resist the oppressive capitalism of the weasels. The old feudal Lord is not stood against a wall and shot, but is allowed to live out his days peacefully so long as he gives up his anti-social activities.
After that I moved on to Animal Farm.
Of course, given the plague of religiosity gripping America any film that can claim a twisted Christian theme will do well. Look how they flocked to see "Passion of The Christ" directed by Mel Gibson (5'3") which was not only historically inaccurate but the dialogue was incomprehensible.
What I want to know is when will Hollywood make a film of The Ragged Trousered philanthropists? When I hear about that I will know we are turning a corner.

Boggart Blog Says Jump And The World Jumps

2005-12-08T09:18:00.000-08:00

Last week, at UK blog Boggart Blog, in response to an artice in The Guardian newspaper which predicted Wikipedia would start to replace Google as the most popular way of finding information on the web, I said that Wikipedia would have to change or it would quickly make the web even more irrelevant that Google has for those of us seeking meaningful content.
Lo and behold, only a few days later Wikipedia announce they are to remove the process that allows articles to be entered and edited anonymously.
OTHER WEBS COMMENT ON THE WEB, BOGGART BLOG CHANGES IT!
(As a matter of interest I said around three years ago that Google was the worst search engine - except for all the others. Since then Google had become even more "links" obsessed and search results may return a million results, which pleases geeks but if positions 1 to 900,000 are occupied by sites wasting you to buy their shite, or even to look at their Google search results on the same keywords you entered this is not much use to anyone wanting genuine information or quality content.)

The Chronicles of Nadia

The Boggart Changes The Web

Madonna's High Kicks

2005-12-05T10:03:00.000-08:00

I have seen the promo video for Madonna's new single quite a lot and yes I agree she has an amazing body for a woman her age. And that leg lift that gets her chuff right in your face is something else. But I hope she is not performing the manouvere live on stage while on tour.
Time may have been generous but the lady is forty seven, an age at which women, no matter how fit and well preserved, start to experience a little slackening of the pelvic floor muscles. Its quite common for even the most well brought up middle aged ladies to have an involuntary wee-wee when performing such strenuous exercises.
On video its fine of course, skilful editing can take care of accidents, but live on stage??? You wouldn't want to be in the front row would you?

Does anyone know if the next single will be called "Golden Rain"

Can older people be sexy? Maybe this will give you an insight

Join The Christmas Resistance

2005-11-22T08:23:00.000-08:00

Find out how to join the Christmas Resistance at Boggart Blog

Join the Christmas resistance today, before it is too late!

Suicide Dolphins

2005-10-31T09:51:00.000-08:00

Amongst the numbers of missing and unaccounted for in the aftermath of Hurricane Rita are a number of fully armed combat dolphins who are trained to carry out missions behind enemy lines. Such Dolphins are not expected to return from their assignments but be happy to lay down their lives in the service of their country.

The U.S. Military made have lost track of these specialist attack personnel but you should all remember that our sponsor Jenny Greenteeth is a water spirit and thus is in touch with all that goes on in the seven eighths of the world covered by water. Because of our connections Boggart Blog connects you live with a feed from surveillance equipment planted on two of the dolphins, Chk - chk and Drrrrrrrrup!

Chk - chk: Any fish left Drr?

Drrrrrrrrup!: Just a couple of herrings, but they are past their sell by date.

Chk - chk: Bugger. We are going to have to go out and find a shoal.

Drrrrrrrrup!: Hey, it could be fun. I haven't had to chase fish in years.

Chk - chk: Oh, I don't mind chasing the fish but maybe leaving the gulf was not such a great idea after all.

Drrrrrrrrup!: We had to. Anywhere in the gulf those flat-faces could track us on radar.

Chk - chk: Get real, their radar is a joke. Have you heard it? bink...bink...bink. What's all that about.

Drrrrrrrrup!: I suppose it means something to them

Chk - chk: arrroo-rakkayakka-twonk-twonk-prup-hrup-yecyecyec-brrrupprupp

Drrrrrrrrup!: And anoth-

Chk-chk: Shh!
There is a moment's silence. Chk-chk listens intently while

Drrrrrrrrup! raps his fins
together.

Chk-chk: There's a shoal of sardines about twelve miles away. Now THAT'S radar.

Drrrrrrrrup: I was going to say that the local Caribbean Dolphins are well hard and they don't like strangers on their turf.

Chk-chk: We'll tell them we are U.S. Military Dolphins. They will leave us alone then, they will remember how we kicked their ass in Grenada. The local army ran so far nobody even saw them.

Drrrrrrrrup!: Ahem. Grenada does not actually have an army.

Chk - chk: That's irrelevant.

Drrrrrrrrup!: If you are such a patriot all of a sudden how come you escaped.

Chk - chk: (looks around furtively) It was planned, I'm on a secret mission.

Drrrrrrrrup!: You're spying on dolphins. Traitor.

Chk - chk: I'm not. I'm preserving homeland security. You saw those yellow and black chappies snooping around a couple of days ago. The ones who would not talk.

Drrrrrrrrup!: They were flat - face tourists scuba diving off Barbados.

Chk - chk: Tourists my blowhole. They had shiny yellow and black skin and funny faces. That's UnAmerican if you ask me. Uncle Sam's dolphins are grey and have proper noses.

Drrrrrrrrup!: They were wearing neoprene wet suits and breathing gear. Look out, here come some of the locals. They will be warning us off taking their fish again.

Chk - chk: Hey, we are military dolphins, we have a right to their fish. I say we take them on.

Drrrrrrrrup!: Bad move. A slight blow in the wrong place could set off that dirty bomb implanted under your skin.

Chk - chk: What?

Drrrrrrrrup!: Didn't you know. We are suicide dolphins. There is a radio receiver implanted in our brain so that our survival instinct can be overridden and on command we will swim up enemy rivers and smash into strategic targets like bridges, oil refineries and fish canning factories.

Chk - chk: No way.

Drrrrrrrrup: Way. Did they give you that bullshit about "only for intelligence gathering purposes."

Chk - chk: If I had known the truth I would never have signed up.

Drrrrrrrrup!: We didn't sign up, we were hauled out of the water, transported to Louisiana, put in a tank and told we would not get any fish until we started co-operating. And then we were subjected to ritual humiliation.

Chk - chk: You mean when that ugly woman made us look as if we were having a sixty-niner it was not to prepare us in case we were tortured.

Drrrrrrrrup: No, they were just having a laugh.

Chk - chk: And now we are loaded with highly volatile explosives and they only way we can be safe is to give ourselves up?

Drrrrrrrrup!: Whichever way you look at it, we're going to die a horrible death. And for nothing. We will not advance the cause of dolphins in any way.

Chk - chk: We have to do something. Some futile grand gesture, you know; confirm our existence by a pointless act. Let's fly into the World Trade Centre and detonate ourselves.

Drrrrrrrrup!: Can't. One, Its been done; and Two, we can't fly - we're dolphins.

Chk - chk: Well how about swimming into a tuna cannery. That would tech them a lesson. Their sandwiches would be contaminated for years.

Drrrrrrrrup!: Its more feasible, but why do you suddenly want to become a suicide dolphin.

Chk - chk: It will give me a sense of porpoise.

Are You Smarter Than Your Kids?

2005-09-12T10:15:00.000-07:00

As the ongoing debate about whether exams are getting easier fades into a background buzz of people saying "rhubarb, rhubarb" until next year, ITV which has been somewhat tardy in getting its autumn schedules onto our screens had to resort to squeezing a peak time documentary from the tired controversy by getting a group of parents to sit the exams pupils have just taken.
Asking "are you smarter than your kids" is not the same as asking if exams are getting easier of course so the program falls down at once.
The fact that should concern us because it relates to the pertinent question of whether our kids are getting crap education just so the statistics can look good for the sake of the politicians is "why are more entrants passing and average grades rising each year." Empirical evidence suggests that while pupils are leaving school with truckloads of As and Bs each year many are lacking even basic skills.
I have always had doubts about the efficacy of education and what is more the A to Z (well A to W which is near enough) of wise men are with me on that. "What we must learn to do we learn by doing," Aristotle said, while Oscar Wilde declared "nothing that is worth learning can possibly be taught." Too right. Most of what I learned at school has turned out to be totally irrelevant in real life. I recall my problems with Pythagoras' Theorem and a certain looney maths teacher called Batty Bland. All maths teachers are looney to some degree of course but in the "Stark Raving Bonkers stakes Batty led the field by a distance.
"But what use it sir," I asked each time he tried to explain that the square of the hypotenuse does something utterly pointless and boring.
At last he gave in and tried to explain it though a practical analogy. "If you are out walking and see a tall building Thorpe, by using Pythagoras you can find out how tall it is."
I promise you, hand on heart, that while having appreciated the aesthetic qualities of many tall buildings I have never felt tempted to work out how tall they are. Never, ever!
In life, as we learn practical lessons, the academic mush of school is usually forgotten, to be replaced by things that are relevant to our lives. I was always a duffer at maths, still am. As a result of a condition possibly related to dyslexia, my mind goes blank when I am confronted with an algebraic equation and yet in my job I could solve the complex problems posed by needing to balance telecommunications traffic across a network. Quite simply that was a practical problem and I can do practical. What we have to learn to do we learn by doing.
Where modern education fails is in its focus on the narrow objective of passing exams. The purpose of education is not to force feed pupils on information so they can regurgitate it on examination day, education should tech them to want to learn. Life is much richer if we learn constantly and for us to want to learn constantly we must be made curious.
When pupils are leaving school without their curiosity ignited then education is failing.

poets cornered
Boggart Blog

Changes

2005-08-20T09:54:00.000-07:00

God's Blog in which The Almighty sets the record straight of a few things has moved to

God's Blog

This is for several reasons including the fact that my WYSIWYG editor has disappeared, but maily because of the disproportionate amount of time one has to spend on promotion just to get a handful of hits here.

A scatological must

2005-08-09T10:06:00.000-07:00

Visit Terry's Fartology blog to learn more than you ever wanted to know about breaking wind.
Fartology

Santas Of The World Unite

2005-08-07T07:50:00.000-07:00

More than 100 Santa Clauses and their little helpers have gathered in an amusement park north of Copenhagen this week for the annual World Santa Claus Congress. The three-day convention includes a chimney climbing competition and a parade in the capital. Participating Papa Noels, Santa Clauses, St Nicks and Sinter Klaases are drafting plans to improve their working conditions, including standardising chimney –widths in the EU and holding Christmas twice a year to lessen the one-day-a-year burden on Santas.

Perhaps the Santas will be treated to a nanny state lecture from Oprah on the detrimental effect on health of all those mince pies (saturated fat) and glasses of sherry (saturated brains) or maybe the animal rights lobby will show up and demand that the Satnas switch from reindeer powered sleighs to internal combustion engined snow - cats. Which will then lead to violations of the Kyoto treaty. Which will prompt Bush to talk of America's special relationship with is ally Lapland, thus making The North Pole, Elves and Christmas stockings targets for Al Quaeda terror attacks. Blair will ten order British security forces to follow and shoot five times in the head anybody suspected of posessing Christmas Puddings (incendiary when soaked with Brandy) Christmas Crackers (packed with high explosives) or sage and onion stuffing (can be used in poison gas attacks)

All in all, in the furture Christmas is going to be a jolly time. Thank Goddess I'm a pagan.

Greenteeth

The Sweet Smell of Failure

2005-07-28T08:38:00.000-07:00

The word “fail” should be deleted from the school vocabulary, and replaces with the term “deferred success”, according to members of the Professional Association of Teachers. Being told they were a failure can put children off education for the rest of their lives, they said. The idea is being put forward by two members at the union’s annual conference in Buxton, Derbyshire.
Well its nice to know after all these years I did not fail my school exams after all but this story brings to mind a bizarre encounter a number of years ago. Meeting representatives of a potential client to discuass a consultancy project I was confronted with three suits, one of whom was American. The British people started off reasonably enough; "did you have a good trip down, jolly nice weather for the time of year and blah blah. The American went straight for the jugular. "Why did your further education come after several years out of the system?"
I told him I was not in love with the academic environment and wanted to get into work so I could afford to travel.
"But why did you not want to go through sixth form college and on to University?"
I answered truthfully, "Well I failed several examinations and so could not, even if I had wanted to."
Instead of asking why I had failed to which I could have answered "because I was bored out of my head at school" he seized on the word "fail."
"Why do you consider yourself a failure, why do you feel inadequate because of this, do you reproach yourself for your early failures."
In the end I stood up. "Gentlemen," I said, "I used the word fail perfectly correctly in the context, only to suggest I did not pass certain test. As my CV shows I have enjoyed considerable success in my somewhat varied career since then and gained valuabe experience which I could bring to your project. This obsession with one word however demonstrates to me that you organisation is not ready to confront its difficulties and therefore I must terminate our meeting."
That incident shows not only that I am an arrogant bastard but also that we misunderstand the purpose of education if we seriously think it is to empower young people by giving them the ability to think for themselves. What is truly required of the education system by government and industry is that it creates a population conditioned to conform. As the old sisties T shirt slogan told us under a picture of a thuggish security man "You must never question authority."

Garry Trotter and the Portal of Pleasure #7

2005-07-25T10:30:00.000-07:00

The rage of Humblebore had been cataclysmic, Swinemoles had shaken to its foundations as he berated the pair he had thought of as his star pupils for their undignified descent into muggleistic behaviour.
"YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SHOWER!" the headmaster had stormed.
Sibilant Shush, who as housemaster had attended the interview, commented "Well I never did."
"We guessed that," Garry quipped,
"Muggles have drugs for the problem," Briony added.
At that Humblebore's rage had become incoherent as the young lovers stood side by side, pinkies entwined, looking incredibly pleased with themselves.
In the Wizard world sex was forbidden until after the age of 51 as it had a counter productive effect, distracting young participants from their magical studies and turning them towards drugs and rock and roll. Seventeen year - olds shagging in the showers was about as a great a misdemeanour as could be.
"But what can we do?" Prof. Philtre has complained, "they both grew up with muggle families and have been exposed…"
"Oh they have, as we are all aware," Sibilant said unnecessarily.
"…been exposed to negative influences. Muggles watch stuff on their televisions that would never be seen in a crystal ball."
Eventually all the teachers concerned agreed that the pair should be grounded until after the exams and Garry's cloak of invisibility would be confiscated to prevent secret assignations.
"Quite right, if Briony is penetrated by an invisible man she could end up having a phantom pregnancy." said Sibilant who, in the opinion of Prof. Philtre, seemed to be taking an unhealthy interest in the ins and outs of the incident.

"You were doing … it, WOW … and old Humblebore and Philtre caught you, and you were naked" Dementia said for the millionth time as a crowd of girls surrounded Briony in the dorm.
Briony was tired of explaining that yes, they had been doing it, and no, it did not mean they were married now and no, she did not know why they had done it, it just seemed like a good idea at the time and would everybody just shut up because it was none of their business.
Garry was getting a similar reception except that everybody in the boys dorm was pretending they had "done it" many times.
"Batto Bellfry reckons he has a spell that can magic up two prozzers for a threesome," a friend of the school bully and resident smartarse said.
"Yeah it’s the spell of having a rich Dad. Batto might teleport in ladies of negotiable affection from the Shepherd Market but he pays them Muggle money.
"I'm not going to bother with arms and legs and a head and that, girls are always whinging, I'm just going to magic the fun bits," Don Beesley said.
Typical of Don, thought Garry, he doesn't realise the bits that do the whinging can be fun too. He thought of his muggle books and some of the wild things the people in those pictures were getting up to.
Soon the threat of exams meant the novelty of Garry and Briony's love affair was forgotten and by using their gnome helps as go - betweens they were able to arrange a meeting.
They were mad for each other. For the first time there was no talk of magic or trickery, instead they talked of walking on sandy beaches or camping in the pine woods of the Spanish coast ; going to Glastonbury not for the mystical ambience of the Tor but for the vibrant energy of the Scissor Sisters and the Kaiser Chiefs; island hopping around the Aegean. And they made love.
Two weeks after the exams something happened and for everybody at Swinemoles life would never be the same again.
Briony had organised a picnic for everybody in their year. They had gpne off to the woods without any teachers accompanying them. Garry was still not supposed to see his girlfriend but he had managed to sneak into Humblebore's study and get the cloak of invisibility back and he followed on after the main crowd.
"What have they packed in the hamper Bri," the ever hungry Don Beesley asked as the group settled in a clearing.
Briony looked into the big hamper. "There are plenty of sandwiches, chicken, ham, salmon, loads of salad (everyone groaned) and lashings of ginger beer. Dig in everyone.
While the crowd were getting their food, Garry materialised among them.
Briony clapped her hands, "Listen everyone. We know you are enjoying yourselves but me and Garry have something to tell you."
Thirty faces turned towards the pair.
"Um - the - er - thing is," Garry said, sounding awfully like Hugh Grant, Briony thought, "the thing is me and Bri. aren't going to be around for the end of term party."
"We are going backpacking in France," Briony added.
"Yeah, well, - erm - everybody says we have done crap in our exams and neither of us can put a decent spell together since - er - you know…"
"Yeah, we have lost our magic powers, but we have found a new kind of magic haven't we Gaz?"
Garry put his arm around his sweetheart, "all that stuff about spells and wizardry and fighting the dark forces is for kids."
Several voices cried out "no!" or "shame" but Garry went on, "its like Star Wars and Batman, there is no great conflict between good and evil. The world is what it is, shit happens all the time, whatever spells people think they can cast to stop it. The thing is, knowing how to cope with what life throws at you and carry on the best you can, knowing that enough is as much as anyone ever needs, knowing that we are all responsible to each other and to the world, when you see someone who needs a helping hand, being able to tell yourself it IS your business and you should get involved instead of leaving it to God or the government or somebody, that's real magic."
Now everybody was dead silent as Briony continued, "the muggle world is a brilliant place but thanks to people who have been greedy for wealth, thanks to power - trippers who have used the five thousand year old superstitions of an ignorant and primitive tribe of desert nomads to mess up people's heads, thanks to the war mongers who have slaughtered millions because of their culture or skin colour, its in big trouble. Thanks to being here we have learned to see things clearly, but now we must go to learn more and see what we can do to help.
"But you will be back next term," a chorus of voices said.
"Not next term, maybe never," Garry said, "magic has nothing to offer us now, we must go and find our reality."

END

Garry Trotter and the Portal of Pleasure #6

2005-07-23T09:52:00.000-07:00

Its best to scroll down to #1 and start from there, otherwise you will get the knob jokes but not much else will make sense.

Briony lifted the lid of her desk and saw the magic soap, amazingly it was back in its wrapping. Underneath it was a note from Prof. Philtre which read, "unfortunately the soap although bought at the Wiz - Mart store is a brand available in any muggle shop. Wizards get dirty too. It does not have the power to levitate or rub itself on your body. Professor Humblebore and I suspect foul play and will be speaking to the person who gave you the soap.
Now that she thought about it Briony did remember feeling as if there were two hands rubbing her body rather than just the one holding the bar of soap. It had felt rather nice actually.
"Especially when he was tickling my…" Briony's train of thought was interrupted by the arrival of Sibilant Shush, the Alan - Rickman - lookalike hexes and curses teacher.
"Order everybody. SHADDUP!" Mr Shush bellowed. "Today I want you to pair up for a your curses practical."
In the general melee Briony was making for Garry so that while working on the exercise they could talk about what had happened but Shush steered her towards boring little Dementia Pox.
"You're not working with Trotter today girl, Prof. Philtre thinks you spend too much time together."
"Oh sir…"
"No arguments. Get Pox now."
"Yeah but - yeah but…"
"Now!"
Pouting like a botox lip job Briony found Dementia who was thrilled that she would be working with the smartest girl in the class and chattered excitedly, getting on her partner's nerves as they set out into the Weird Wood.
The project, which would count towards the exam, was to turn something into something else. If you were turning something nice into something nasty or something nasty into something nice, it had to deserve it. Safest option was to turn a pebble into a flower. Nobody got hurt, pebbles had no self awareness and flowers were stupid so that was kind of neutral. If on the other hand you turned a Prince into a toad without him having done something really really bad, questions were bound to be asked. Briony was not in the mood for thinking things through however, she had other problems on her mind.
"Demmy, have you ever been groped?"
"Um groped. Let's see; Ippissimus Stoatmasher tried to stick his tongue in my mouth when we kissed under the mistletoe last Winter Solstice, but I kicked him on the shin. Why?"
"I was groped in the shower."
"In the shower? Wow Bri, I had no idea you were a lezza. Cool."
"Not by a girl, by - erm - well I'm not sure but I think it was Garry."
"Garry, well he's not bad I suppose, a bit serious though."
"Trouble is I thought it was a randy ghost and told Prof. Philtre. I need to warn Gaz. before Humblebore sends for him."
"Why did you let him grope you."
Briony told the story of the heavy breathing she had heard when in the shower, of the magic soap and of the feeling that hands were caressing her wet body."
"Wow Briony that's, like, a sexual experience. Well kewel. You so are the most wickedest girl in our year."
Briony always found it a tad embarrassing when Dementia tried to do street talk. Even so the ruse worked, within an hour all the girls on the exercise knew about it and were trying to find Garry. Prof. Philtre was one step ahead however, she had asked Sibilant Shush to send Garry and Ron to the Mists of Time to see if they could turn then into now.
Frustrated and angry Briony should have let Dementia do the exercise but when they caught Handsome Hare trying to seduce the fairy Cobweb, which was against the rules, she gave the long eared creature no chance to say that it wasn't what it looked like.
"Vain creature I am going to turn you into an ugly goon," she said, raising her magic wand.
"Ah well, hare today, goon tomorrow," sighed Handsome with a shrug. There was a little puff of smoke and in his place stood a creature that looked like a cross between a potato and a homeless tortoise.
"We so are in trouble now," Dementia moaned, "they were only having a snog."
"Don't care," Briony huffed.
The examination had taken all day and as soon as it ended Briony hared off to the shower room. She stripped as quickly as possible and dived into the shower cubicle, saying the magic phrase. Unseen hands picked up the muggle soap and started to caress her. She could not resist enjoying the sensation for a few moments, even though there was something hard and pointy pressing against her bottom. Suddenly she remembered the danger they were in and stamped down where she guessed Garry's foot would be.
"Ow. Watch out."
"Garry, you're in big trouble."
"You told?"
"I thought it was a randy ghost. I wouldn't have minded if you had said."
"Really?"
"Course not, I've fancied you since the end of third year. Take that stupid cloak off and let me see you."
Once both were naked and visible they fell to tongue on tonsil action as they stood under the jet of warm water."
"Do it to me Garry," Briony gasped.
"Do what?"
"It, you know, what those people are doing in your muggle books."
"How did you know."
"Don Beesley told every everybody and we all sneaked into your room for a look. It was very … educational."
"Well I've never…"
"Nor me, but I don't think its absolutely necessary for the boy to have a moustache."
After a lot of fumbling and grunting they did it.
"Oh God, Oh God, Ohgodohgodohgod," Briony squealed.
"Ahem, not exactly. Although theoretically, according to Shamanic tradition we are all part of God, as the oneness is sometimes known," Humblebore's sonourous voice said outside the cubicle.
CHECK IN TOMORROW FOR THE EXCITING CLIMAX TO THIS GARRY TROTTER ADVENTURE.

Garry Trotter and the Portal of Pleasure #5 (adult humour)

2005-07-22T10:38:00.000-07:00

At last Garry had managed to get Briony alone. "Hi Bri," he said, blushing deeply, "I - er - I - er - I sneaked into Wiz - Mart yesterday and got you something. Er - some special soap, not that you whiff or anything but - er - but - er - but I know girls like that sort of thing and - er - you take a lot of showers so I thought you would like some magic soap. When you are in the shower you just say blither - blather - let's have lather and the soap levitates and rubs itself all over you. Smells nice too."
Briony sniffed the bar of soap that Garry was holding towards her. "Mmm, lavender and dragonmusk, my favourite. Thank you Garry, that's sweet of you. I'll use it today, perhaps it will keep the ghost heavy - breather away."
"The what?"
"There's a ghost in the girls shower. I can hear him breathing somewhere above me. I'm going to complain to Prof. Philtre."
"Yeah you should," Garry mumbled and hurried off.
As the bell rang to signal the end of lessons later that afternoon the boy wizard raced upstairs, changed out of classroom clothes into his swimming shorts and then he put on his cloak of invisibility. Carefully he crept out of his room, down the stairs and along the dormitory corridors to the girls showers. It would have been disastrous to bump into anybody but he made it, let himself into the shower room and just had time to take up position in Briony's favoured cubicle before she arrived and started to undress. As she took off her shirt and singlet, revealing the pert breasts he could not suppress a gasp of delight. Briony looked upwards , slightly apprehensive as Garry though what a good word "pert" was. He had learned it from one of his muggle books. Muggles had some great names for dirty stuff.
Now Briony was taking off her skirt and panties. At last he had a close up view of the Portal of Pleasure. It was a bit disappointing really, just a triangle of hair. He had expected something so magical to shimmer or change shape or do something though he did not know what.
The naked girl stepped towards him, this was the moment. Garry had a sudden impulse to run away but there could be no getting past Briony without being noticed. Then she turned on the shower, let the warm water run over her for a few seconds and said " blither - blather - let's have lather."
Again Garry wished he had not done this. He hesitated and the wet girl repeated the phrase. Excitement, fear, confusion and a host of other emotions paralysed him for a second.
"Useless soap," Briony said, reaching out. In a panic Garry grabbed the soap, lifted it and started to rub it on the naked skin that was only inches from him. He soon overcame his nervousness and got more enthusiastic about his task.
"Soap, I don't think we need quite so much lather there." The soap moved away from those oh so desirable breasts and a few seconds later moved again in response to "nor down there thank you."
When all the great masses of bubbles had been rinsed away and Briony had towelled herself dry she looked up at the ceiling again and said, "you're just getting too forward Mister. I'm going to have you exorcised."
"A dirty old man ghost?" said Prof Philtre, "are you sure someone was not playing a trick? Ghosts do not generally have a libido, of if they do it is reserved for ladies of negotiable affection who have been dead for several hundred years. Now tell me about this soap Trotter gave you."
Briony handed over the perfectly ordinary muggle soap and told the teacher how if you said blither - blather - let's have lather, it levitated and washed you.
"Smells fishy to me," the professor of potions said.
"That's probably because it spent too long around you - know - where," said Briony. "That was what made me suspicious."
"I think you were right to be suspicious," the professor said, "but I really do not think the culprit is a randy ghost. Do you mind leaving this with me?"
WILL HARRY BE FOUND OUT AND EXPELLED FROM SWINEMOLES OR WILL HE MANAGE TO TRICK HIS WAY OUT OF ANOTHER DODGY SITUATION. YOU CAN FIND OUT TOMORROW.

Garry Trotter and the Portal of Pleasure #4

2005-07-21T10:07:00.000-07:00

When Don Beesley had heard of the private single room he has thrown a hissy fit. The privileges that came Garry's way simply because he was the son of someone people said would have been the greatest wizard that ever lived irritated everybody from time to time, but particularly Don because the two boy wizards were best mates and you just didn't abandon your mates.
"Remember in the first year we made a pact that we would stick together right through school, soon forgot that didn't you. We made a deal we would share a double study. Soon left me behind when you got a single because you are Humblebore's pet didn't you?"
"I'm not Humblebore's pet," Garry sounded hurt. The school and the whole world of white wizard and witching had great hopes of Garry because he had defeated Volauvent and banished him to the dark dimensions, but such a burden of expectation lay heavily on a boy's shoulders.
"Only senior get singles, you are not entitled," Don whined.
"It isn't my fault, I didn't ask for a single," Garry protested. "Anyway I wanted to know if you fancy coming up for tea and crumpets later."
"Oh yeah. Not good enough to share your room but I can come up for tea and crumpets." Don was struggling to hide the fact that he was thrilled to be asked. "Well I'll have to see if I have anything better to do. Batto Bellfry had been awfully friendly since you moved out of the dorm and he lays on cream cakes for people who go to tea."
"Don, it wasn't my idea to move to a single. Humblebore made me. Because…well because something is happening to me and it might be dangerous. And it is happening to Briony too."
"Briony, so she's going to share your room?"
Garry's magic wand filled up with cosmic energy at the thought. "No! Well nobody has said anything. I suppose they want to keep it secret."
"Humblebore's pet, nygh nygh na nygh nygh," Don mocked.
"Listen Don, I didn't want any of this. All I want is to be an ordinary boy wizard and not get noticed everywhere I go and just be able to have a laugh with my mates and play Futtox for Wyverntail house."
"No, you never asked for it Garry, but you never say no when it comes along do you? You just manipulate people coz they are useful to you, you're a user, Garry Trotter."
Garry's eyes filled up with tears as Don stomped off.
A secret is not worth having unless it is shared and Don's hostility had to be tolerated because Garry needed to share his secret with somebody. Later that afternoon Don went to the single study as arranged.
"I wanted to show you something," the boy wizard said as his friend scoffed dozens of hot buttered crumpets.
"What, something else Humblebore has given you, teachers pet."
"Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah!"
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Well a user is the lowest form of friend."
"Just look at what I have to show you then and perhaps you will understand." Garry had invited Don at this for afternoon tea because it was the time Briony took her daily shower. Lessons were over and there was usually the residue of exploding toads, leaky skunks or some form of ectoplasm to be washed off. Girls were naturally more particular about this than boys.
"What is it, a new spell? Cool, is Briony coming up?"
"Briony will erm…sort of be involved…sort of."
"Sort of, you haven't made her invisible have you pig foot. You've made her invisible and you don't know how to get her back. Hahahahahaaa. We're not supposed to do invisible spells until after our AS levels Hahahahaa. The great wizard and you can't even uninvisible someone."
"Oh she will be totally visible Don, just not actually here. Look," Garry felt control shifting back his way a little as he pulled the rug aside.
Don put his eye to the knothole in the floor. "WOW, its Bri. and she's got no kit on. Is it some kind of video device? Hey, she is in the shower. Is it a 3D version of psycho. Garry! We have to help Briony, someone is going to knife her."
"She isn't in any danger," Garry said, his voice shrill with tension, "move over its my turn."
"No, I've seen the film Garry, this guy stabs her through the shower curtain."
"Don, its not a horror film, just Briony taking a shower."
"With no kit on."
"How else do you take a shower?"
"I don't think we should be watching Garry."
"You have sisters Don, what do you reckon of the way Bri. looks? Look closely around the top of her legs."
"She's… she's… yeuch, there a great big hairy wart where her twinkle should be. What is it? Is that the dark magic you were telling me about?"
"That, Don, is something muggles know more about than us. I had to go to a muggle shop to find any useful stuff about it. That is the Portal of Pleasure. Sometimes known as the Gateway to Heaven, the Delta of Venus and the Fountain of Ecstasy. Its something very special."
"Bollocks," said Don, "it looks like a Badgers arse."
Garry felt all alone and confused as he realised he could not share his amazingly brilliant plan with his best friend.
WILL GARRY'S CUNNING PLAN BRING HIM WITHIN REACH OF WHAT HE DESIRES SO MUCH. READ TOMORROW'S THRILLING EPISODE.

Garry Trotter and the Portal of Pleasure #3

2005-07-20T10:08:00.000-07:00

These stories make no sense unless you read them in order - just scroll down to #1

It was almost exam time and Garry was supposed to be revising in his room. Instead of concentrating on The History of Wart Cures he was thinking about Briony and his wand was demanding attention. Throwing off his clothes Garry was about to get down to some serious work when he was distracted by a scratching, scuffing noise coming from beyond the end of the bed. Strange noises were not a strange occurrence in Swinlemoles and Garry tried to ignore it. But the noise got more persistent and was accompanied by a lot of huffing and puffing and grunting.
"What on Earth is going on?" the boy wizard asked nobody in particular and was surprised to get an answer.
"Just - puff - moving the - grunt - rung a bit Mr. - arrrrrooooogahoof - Garry," said the voice of Dobber the domestic gnome whose job was to look after the private room and its occupant.
That occupant now sat up to see what was really going on. Dobber's capacity for misunderstanding was legendary.
"Dobber, why are you moving the rug?"
"Dobber 'as found somefink what 'onerable Mr Garry will find interessin."
"Not now Dobber, I'm busy."
Dobber looked as if he was about to burst into tears. "Oh woe is Dobber, Dobber has been bad gnome and disturbed 'onerable Mr Garry just as great wizard was about to spank the monkey. But Dobber only wanted 'elp Mr Garry get a peep at Miss Briny wivvout clotheses."
"What!" said Garry, leaping forward to help the gnome. Together they pulled the rug aside and Dobber pointed proudly to a knothole in the floor and indicated that Garry should look through it. When he did so he was treated to a view of Briony naked and about to step into the shower.
Later in the girls dormitory Briony confided to Titania Hemlock that she thought there was a heavy breather ghost in the girls' showers.
It was a while before Garry understood what had been revealed. There was nothing in the school library of volumes on wizardry, witchcraft, potions and enchantments about young wizards getting hair around their private bits. Just as he was growing a patch of hair around his willie, Briony, who did not have a willie of course, sported a dark triangle at the place where her body joined her legs. Eventually Garry had had to use the Cloak of Invisibility left for him by his parents to slip out of school and into the dimension of reality. Once there he had visited a muggle shop that had the windows painted so nobody could see inside and a sign that said "Adult Book Shop" before he found anything useful.
Inside the shop were thousands of books showing male and female muggles without clothes. All of them had the strange hair that he and Briony now sported. He also noticed that the men all had moustaches. Horror of Horrors, he and Briony were turning into Muggles. They would be expelled from school and have to give back their broomsticks and get jobs in fast food restaurants. Who could possibly hate them enough to have done this.
Despite the spotty young man behind the counter becoming very panicky when he saw his stock lifting itself off the shelves, thumbing through its own pages and then disappearing as Garry slipped books that he fancied under the cloak of invisibility, nothing was done to stop him and he strolled out of the shop with a lot of valuable research material.
Later in his room Garry had time to study the literature properly. All the muggle ladies had hair, but some just had a little tuft called a Brazilian and others had narrow line called a landing strip. Garry supposed it was where muggle men tried to land their broomsticks. One woman whose pictures were in several books had a heart shaped patch of pink hair. Garry thought that was quite artistic and then decided that Briony had chosen a triangle because it was a powerful magical symbol. Briony was great at defensive magic, she would have been quick to realise something was going on and protect herself. But how could Garry ask for her help. He could not even talk to her without blushing these days. It was impossible to get near the girl wizard without feeling embarrassed so mentioning such a delicate subject was out of the question.
And then, as he studied the muggle books he though of how he had acquired them and a brilliant idea came to him.

Garry Trotter and the Portal of Pleasure #2 (adult humour)

2005-07-20T10:03:00.000-07:00

These spoofs make no sense unless you read them in order

A few days after the evil enchantment had fallen upon Garry Mrs Vorbis the school housekeeper was complaining to the headmaster.
"Bedsheets stuck fast together again this morning Professor. It just isn't good enough, you know how much extra laundry that sort of thing causes. Everything has to be done by hand, you have to take care with Wizard's jiz; can't just go waving a wand."
"Unfortunately that is what young Trotter has been doing."
Mrs Vorbis was one of those humourless women who did not see the funny side of anything, especially if it concerned boy's underwear or bedlinen. "I can't just go zapping semen, into another dimension you know, its not like seamen, they are always disappearing into the triangle, but semen you have to be careful with. If I was to banish wizard seed into another dimension just like that we should have hidden forests full of pregnant nymphs and fairies."
"Oh come now Mrs Vorbis," Humblebore said without thinking.
"Come now? Young Trotter has been doing enough of that for the whole school, staff included I should say."
"I merely meant to ask you to show a little tolerance. Boys will be boys."
"Not on my clean bed linen they won't. That sort of thing needs to be trodden on before it gets out of hand. We shall have pregnant fairies turning up on the Tricia show before we know where we are."
Humblebore tried to recall if he had seen a pregnant fairy on the Tricia show but could not. Jerry Springer maybe, but that was America. "I shall see Trotter today before he shoots off to Futtox practice," the Headmaster promised.
Professor Rebus Humblebore adjusted his spectacles and looked in a stern but not unkind way at Garry.
"Hmm. It seems young Trotter that you have reached a point…"
"That is SO UNFAIR! Nobody understands me, I get the blame for everything around here. You spread stories about me and make everybody hate me…"
"Trotter! That is quite enough, now as I was saying…"
"I don't care what you were saying. I don't want to listen to you, I didn't ask to come to this stupid school. Witches and Wizards, that's kids stuff."
"As I was saying Garry, we feel you have reached the point at which you might welcome the privacy of a single room."
"What? Do you think I'm Billy No Mates saddo or something? Do you think I want to sit on my own studying every night? You don't want me to have any friends, you are destroying my life."
"Now listen Garry," Humblebore said patiently, "we just want to do what is best for you. I have heard that certain things are happening that indicate you are ready for a more - er - grown up environment. At some time every young man's body begins to change, certain things happen and he gets urges that may be quite upsetting."
Garry blushed deeply. How had Humblebore known the embarrassing nature of his problem.
"I just want to stay in the dorm and be one of the chaps."
"As you wish, but if you change your mind I'll be happy to arrange a private room for you."
As Garry left the Professor sighed. Things were going to get difficult.
A few days later Garry was alone in his private room. He lay naked on top of the bedcovers, head propped up with extra pillows so that he could look down at his body which had become a source of fascination. Garry was frightened and embarrassed at what was happening to him, but also excited. Something dark and powerful had entered his life and was working its enchantment on him. His magic wand, as the Swinemoles boys liked to call their todger, was getting longer and thicker, also there was a dark smudge of curly hair growing around its base.
As he looked at his magic wand it became suffused with cosmic energy again. Absent - mindedly he began to stroke it so that it would relax, as he did so his thoughts turned to Briony.
Suddenly the school swat had ceased to be just a girl, a good sort though far more sensible than was necessary and absolutely hopeless at the school sport Futtox. Since the spell had first manifested itself Garry had started to find her interesting in different ways. He no longer wanted to talk to her about spells and potions, if fact he could hardly talk to her at all, he just blushed and got an erection. But he had started to find her interesting in strange ways and strange places. Her legs and bottom were interesting and those lumpy bits that had appeared under her sweater, they were magic. Not in the wizarding sense of course, but magic all the same.
Don Beesley said they were just two bags of sweets that Briony did not want to share. Don could be childishly idiotic at times.
Garry wondered what the things on Briony's chest were and tried to think of a way he could cop a look.
IN TOMORROW'S THRILLING INSTALMENT GARRY PUT HIS PLAN INTO ACTION AND HUMBLEBORE IS AFRAID THE BOY WIZARD IS BEING DESTROYED BY MUGGLE INFLUENCES.

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Garry Trotter And The Portal of Pleasure

2005-07-18T08:51:00.000-07:00

Headbutt Blog's greatest scoop to date. Exclusive to Headbutt Blog, every day this week we will bring you an abridged serialisation of the seventh book in the saga of Garry Trotter - Boy Wizard. This one is called Garry Trotter And The Portal of Pleasure. Despite seven years having elapsed since Garry was first enrolled at Swinemoles City Academy for Supernatural Studies, because Wizards usually are subject to arrested development due to the fact they live for a thousand years, the hero is just experiencing puberty and embarking upon the wild adventures that brings. Now read on.

It was almost dawn of a summer day, a pale light crept through the boy's dormitory window and over the sleeping forms of the pupils. One pupil was not sleeping however. Garry Trotter opened his eyelids just enough to let in a tiny sliver of light, enough to let him look down towards his feet. Garry could not see his feet because some mysterious force was holding up his bed cover as if it were a tent.
In the pale light Garry could just make out the hands of the clock. It was four fifteen a.m. Most people would sleep for another two hours at least. Looking towards the next bed Garry was reassured to see the carroty hair of his best friend Don Beesley, the only part visible above the quilt. The whole dorm was silent and still. Garry was just about to lift up his quilt to get a better look at what was going on when a sudden noise made him duck down and pretend to be asleep.
The noise became louder and Garry lay very still, wondering if the thing under his quilt was some strange creature from another dimension or simply a magical force - field caused by his arch enemy Batto Bellfry.
The noise was very loud now and sounded like the distress call of a terminally wounded bull Buffalo.
"Heeeewwwww hna hnuzane
Hghugh guh eeeeeooooowwwwwmmm
Hhhhhyyyynnn mzgmiyappy" the noise sang
Barry heave a sigh of relief. It was only Legless Len, the Swinemoles drunken ghost trying to find his way back to his dungeon before sunrise.
"Goodnight Len," Garry called as the ghost passed his bed.
"Hnnnuggite Meestair Grrrryyyy," Len answered incoherently.
"You should keep off the spirits Len," Garry said, as he had on many other nights.
"Hohoho, kp 'ff spiriz, hahaha, vry gd. Hahahahahohoho, spiriz." Len laughed as if it was the first time he had heard the joke, which in a manner of speaking it was as ghosts have no past or future but only now.
When Len had gone on his way Garry looked at the quilt again. It still looked like a tent. The thing had not gone. Perhaps it was a snake with rigor mortis, he thought, or somebody had left him a new wand. Most likely it was a spell gone wrong. Garry half remembered a dream about Briony, the girl who had come from a muggle family and befriended him and Don on their first day at the school. It had been a rude dream, Briony had had no clothes on. Of course, Briony was doing a project on extra sensory perception so she must have caught him dreaming about her and this was a trick to get him back.
Cautiously Garry lifted the quilt to see what Briony had done. As his eyes adjusted to the darkness he let out a gasp of horror. The thing was not a creature of wizardry at all. It was him. Well, part of him even if it did look quite like a new wand. Whoever had done this to him was a very powerful wizard and obviously was on the dark side. Had Volauvent found a way back from the twelfth dimension and come looking for revenge? Garry reached down and touched the thing that had grown where his willie had been. He expected it to be rough and scaly or cold and slimy but it was warn and soft. It did not feel magical in any way, in fact it seemed to enjoy being touched. With a faraway look in his eye Garry started to stroke the thing.
Soon he was fast asleep again.

IN TOMORROW'S INSTALMENT PROF. HUMBLEBORE LEARNS OF GARRY'S AFFLICTION.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince and other books
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Taking The Piss

2005-07-13T09:18:00.000-07:00

For American readers, "Taking The Piss" = taking advantage of in a very unfair way, pulling a scam, abusing one's position. Also means "making fun of" in a different context.

You have heard all the stories about a looming water shortage. Does it not seem strange that in a summer so far not particularly memorable for its endless days of brilliant blue skies and scorching sunshine we are warned that a serious water shortage is imminent. What has really caught the attention of Headbutt Blog's relentless hunter of cant and hypocrisy Ed. Butt is the call by the Mayor of London to refrain from flushing each time you pee. There is an old maxim in low rainfall nations like Australia, "if its yellow its mellow, if its brown flush it down," although having spent a lot of time in London I know this should be revised for Londoners; "if its yellow its mellow, if its brown and tastes of shit its probably drinking water." Yep, the product of London Water is perhaps not of the best quality to start with. Another old joke relating to the recycling of water in the British capital it that London Water takes quality control very seriously, in fact all the water Londoners drink has been passed by qualified chemists.
Flushing is not environmentally friendly The Mayor tells us, perhaps he should explain what is environmentally friendly about letting millions of gallons of water leak away through fractures in the hundred and fifty year old pipes.
Pee is environmentally friendly anyhow, lots of gardeners collect theirs and put it on the compost. I suppose it gives the marigolds an especially bright hue. A hundred and fifty years ago (around the time the water mains were being laid) the urine of pregnant women was highly prized for its use in something I would probably rather not think about. Urine is a very underrated commodity. As well as its role in ayurvedic medicine (which again I would rather not think about) it was for centuries used in tanning and in the dyeing of cloth. Our revulsion of stuff that comes out of the body is therefore modern and bourgeois. The cried of "yeuch, disgusting" that greeted Livingstone's suggestion are entirely the product of modern urban prissiness. Country folk are not victims of such delicate sensibilities, I speak as a country lad who once failed a school spelling test because the crucial word was "auspices".
What should outrage us is that a senior public official is blame shifting again. Livingstone is saying "there is a water shortage because you irresponsible, binge - drinking bastards are pissing too often, so you can suffer." Actually the problems exist because of mismanagement in the privatised utility companies. For every pound they spend on giving you a good service to your premises they spend ten on employing people in Mumbai to harass you with a million unsolicited marketing calls a day.
And that really is taking the piss.

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Machiavelli

Enfoncez Votre Fromage M. Chirac

2005-07-06T09:48:00.000-07:00

There is nothing like a bit of xenophobic name calling to get us all in the holiday mood. As President Chirac has kicked off about British food, suggesting it is the worst in Europe (except for Finland - I wonder what they did to him?) I think that conveniently excuses me from the need to be diplomatic.
Half the fun of being English of course is that it is our patriotic duty to say outrageously insulting things about the French. Half the fun of being French, my French friends tell me, is that it is a patriotic duty to say outrageously insulting things about the English. On with the motley.
A fat lot of room Chirac has to talk about crappy English food. The French will eat anything. One regional delicacy in Lorraine province consists of cow's noses thinly sliced and sautéed in garlic butter. Sometimes I think the French would eat dog turds if they were sautéed in garlic butter. Another French delicacy is lamb's tongues. I have often taken to task those American fast food chains whose products contain mainly lips and arseholes. French haute cuisine chefs go further however, they serve snot and saliva. Another French delicacy is pigs feet. Next time you are passing a pig pen just take a look what those trotters have been marinating in before they land on your plate.
Roast Beef and Yorkshire Pudding, spotted dick and custard, faggots and peas, bangers and mash; all these have been celebrated in verse. Scottish Haggis which Chirac described as a weapon of mass destruction (that's rich coming from a man who eats cow's noses) is the subject of a famous verse by Scotland's national poet Robert Burns.
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
great chieftain o' the pudding race,
aboon them a' ye tak your place,
painch, tripe and thairm.
Weel worthy are ye o' a grace
as lang's my arm."
So there! I'll bet pigs feet have never inspired such eloquence.
The Gleneagles Hotel where the G8 conference is being held will be serving a traditional Scottish banquet in honour of the world's leaders. Let's hope that for the benefit of M. Chirac the menu includes that Glaswegian favourite Deep Fried Mars Bar.
BTW: For the benefit of politically correct type who infiltrate this site from time to time, I love French food (though I tend to pass on cows noses) The comments of M. Chirac were meant humourously and should be taken as such, as should this posting. For God's sake, what kind of a world would it be if the French and the English could not insult each other. We would have to gang up on the Dutch. (Belgium is to France what Wales is to England.)

G8 protest movement
the rich get richer
America and G8
Chirac and Blair
Chirac and Haggis
Spotted Dick
Ian Thorpe Interview and Multi Media performance in Poetry Life and Times
Go over the top with Ian Thorpe at Boggart Blog

Dead Scary (Fear and Panic #3)

2005-07-03T09:59:00.000-07:00

When security forces in Iraq announce they are stepping up efforts to locate and capture "know suicide bombers" I am afraid, I am very afraid. Its is not that I fear our suburban streets are patrolled by men with exploding beards waiting for an opportune moment before they blow me up. No, it is the security forces that scare me, I mean "known suicide bombers," the first rule of warfare, I leaned in history lessons long ago, is know your enemy. It strikes me that our military have not really got their heads round the basic concept of suicide bombing if they are looking for people with a track record.
Similarly President Bush recently spoke of "cowardly attacks by suicide bombers" in his feeble attempt to bolster support for the war by spreading Fear and Panic among ordinary Americans, most of whom are at least 5000 miles from the nearest known suicide bomber. Suicide is often described as the coward's way out when someone in our western society decides to end it all rather than face up to the mess they have made of everything. That is a rather harsh assessment in a lot of cases, it must often seem to people that life just cannot get any better. It takes something other than cowardice for somebody to stick several kilos of semtex and a detonator to their body, drive or walk calmly up to the target and hit the trigger.
To a young Arab though, suicide is a very different prospect and suicide bombers can be described as many things, stupid, fanatical, insane etc. But surely not cowardly, and especially not by a man who orders the forces he commands to drop bombs from 30,000 feet on civilian targets in third world countries that have no credible defence systems. The suicide bomber is at least up close and personal and prepared not just to take a calculated risk in order to spread Fear and Panic, they have to face the certainty of joining their victims on the journey to "that unexplored country from in whose bourne no traveller returns."
Always a great believer in looking at the big picture I see things rather differently than when they are viewed from the perspective of somebody who seeks political advantage by spreading Fear and Panic. It is a question of understanding the Arab mindset. To them death is not something to be avoided but to be embraced, death offers better prospects than life. Suicide Bombing therefore represents the best available career option. Sign up and you are guaranteed three meals a day and a heroes welcome on your last visit home plus, and get this everybody, twenty - yes twenty heavenly virgins waiting for you on the other side. Compare that with working as a menial for the American company that is ripping off your country's oil or a life of poverty and drudgery as a tomato farmer, both of which carry the certainty of an arranged marriage to a girl whose face you will not see until the ring is on her finger.
No wonder those boys are saying "pass the semtex and tell the virgins to lay in a supply of KY jelly."

Iraqi Insurgency
The BBC view
The Arab Viewpoint