Friday, December 30, 2005

The Christmas Feeling

Not feeling festive? Need a laugh? Visit the Boggart

Or are you feeling guilty about stuffing yourself and getting rat-arsed drunk because of all those Christiany messages about the real meaning of Christmas.

Pour a drink, get yoiurself some tasty snacks and read Machiavelli on the true meaning of Christmas.

And have a really good New Year.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Favourite Chistmas Joke

Good King Wesceslaus phoned his local pizza hut and said "My usual please"
"The Manager said, "Right away sir, deep pan, crisp and even."

More jokes and one liners


Phishing - the right response

Ever wondered how to reply to those Nigerian Gentlemen who will transfer a million dollars/pounds/euros to your account if you will just furnish tem with you account deatails.

Scottish stand - up comedian Janey Godley has found the perfect way. Go to Janey's blog and read her replies to Mr Stephen Igho.

Janey Godley's blog

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Dance Me To The End Of Sanity

Are men who are good at dancing more sexy?

A team of scientists have found that men who are good at dancing have the most sex appeal.

That scientists can be so arse - brained as to carry out such a pointless survey should astound nobody. That scientists can draw such an arse - brained conclusion makes one wonder if the Intelligent Design people might be onto something after all, because the study was inspired by one of Darwin's theories.

Now men of my generation, who have always known that dancing is something you would not be seen dead doing unless you are trying to cop off will understand that trying to acquire skills at dancing is deeply suspect behaviour in a man (too narcissistic to be homosexual even.)

According to Prof. William Brown of Rutgers University, New Jersey, dancing ability is one of the most important qualities women seek in potential mates. Prof. Brown does not offer any further elaboration so I
 must refer to the UK's most learned academic forum, the Lounge Bar at the Albion for an explanation.

The "Golden Chamber" has concluded after many years of study and debate that women are naturally predisposed to pick the most useless males on the basis that total wankers are more likely to need "mothering." Yes, women may complain of the general total-tosserishness of their mates but if they will insist on mating with guys who are more interested in "perfecting their moves" than learning how to pout a new washer on a tap then who is to blame when the kitchen floor is flooded again.

Prof. Brown further demonstrates how long it is since any of his team visited Planet Reality by suggesting his survey proves women are more choosy in selecting partners.


Men take time, we look for many qualities; warm, outgoing personality, modest tastes in drinks and gifts, attractive hair, smart clothes, sexy eyes, CSL, firm arse, pert breasts, and of course, IS SHE UP FOR IT? And for this they brand us commitmentphobes.

On the other hand I remember saying to a female member of my team once "Tracey, this is the third time in four months he's sent you to work with black eyes, why do you stay," to which Tracey replied "he's a great dancer but he gets so wound up before competitions."

Let's face it, some women are just too easy to impress. A man can be a total bastard, so long as he is good at dancing he's certain to score.
But we all know (even women who marry such guys) that good dancers posses in abundance all the qualities women claim to hate. What kind of a man is willing to make a total twat of himself in front of all his mates by getting out on a dance floor and poncing about like Ricky Gervais on Meth?

Oh well, we can take comfort in the fact that the survey was carried out in New Jersey.

Boggart Blog

Elsewhere: [Boggart Blog]...[Little Nicky Machiavelli]...[Scribd]...[Wikinut] ... [ Boggart Abroad] ... [ Grenteeth Bites ] ... [ Ian Thorpe at Flickr ]

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

The Headless Horseman

'tis the season to be silly lalalalalaaa - lalalalaa

A whacky ghost tale for the winter's nights, told as a Scottish Ballad in the style of the great William McGonagall. Follow the link to read the text and hear the audio version.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

The Grey and White Peril Coming To Your Backyard

Badgers from Hell (image source)

A new hazard threatens the peace and security of the Nimby's who so recently fled the social chaos of the urban jungle to seek a better quality of life in the country. These people are now clamouring to get back into loft apartments cocooned safely in the regeneration areas of the city centres as nature red in tooth and claw conspires to drive them to new levels of paranoia. The nimbys are under threat as gangs on Badgers roam the fields and hedgerows threatening to spread T.B. and Bird Flu among dogs, cats, ornamental poultry and garden gnomes. The Badgers, mostly young and predominantly male, feel marginalised and alienated by the way their environment has been bulldozed to make way for Persimmon Homes Developments.
"I feel some sympathy for them in a way" said Chief Inspector Eric Hunt of the Merchantbankershire police, even a one bedroomed starter hole round here can cost close to quarter of a million. What chance has a local Badger of ever getting on the mortgage ladder?"
Investment Bankers Rupert and Jacintha Offcomer told Boggart Blog that the police are hostile to people like themselves because they are newcomers.
"Our cat Raffles is was traumatised when a young Badger in a hoodie stopped her and asked if she was sorted for TB and Bird Flu." she said Jacintha (32) and looking radiant in a scoop necked T-shirt from D&G.
Rupert (37) then added "that is just the kind of thing we moved out here to get away from as his wife broke down in tears.

"It's a difficult situation" said Eric Hunt, "We are trying to work with the leaders of the Badger community but each time we arrest a renegade Badger it just attracts new recruits for the gangs. Some people say we should get tough, but if you send an unruly young Badger to prison, a few months later you release a fully trained criminal into the community. No, I think we should persevere with Anti Social Badger Orders and ask the rich, privileged, egomaniacal cu..... country émigrés to be a little more tolerant. After all, the Badgers were here before the Bankers.

Check out more humour at Boggart Blog

Monday, December 19, 2005

Cup - Bearer to the Celebs

Hebe - looking rather rude in her Goddess of Youth role (if she really sits around like that she could make me young again), when cup bearing (or waitressing as it is now known) she sports a pair of wings. (Image source)

Mariah Carey would have us believe that she is a regular sort of girl who does not mind getting her hands dirty and not the egomaniacal diva some sections of the media suggest. Now there is a conspiracy theory that Hollywood has been part of a secret US government brainwashing program called MK Ultra which takes normal people and turns them into total arseholes whose obnoxiousness the media then manipulates us into admiring, but we would not subscribe to anything so outlandish, this is a respectable blog. On the other hand, it has been officially acknowledged MK Ultra did exist and the CIA and US Department Of Defense were involved.

So what does a regular sort of girl do when she goes into Starbucks? Well if she is in any way at all regular she does not take her cup-bearer along.

You might think that cup bearing is a profession that died out with the Olympian Gods of Ancient Greece. Gods are too important to lift cups to their own lips of course, so they had Hebe* who had previously been a herder of Peacocks, another profession for which there is not much call down at the local job - centre, and Ganymede, a beautiful young man, carried off by Zeus to replace Hebe as tastes in Olympia became more sophisticated (or less Arcadian and more Greek.)

A picture in this weekends' press shows Ms. Carey attended by her cup bearer who solicitously holds a polystyrene cup while La Donna Mariah sucks on a plastic straw.

One wonders what will be the next ego-inflating fad among the celeb culture? Who will be first to emulate King Henry VIII and appoint a Groom Of The Stool (or in the language of the street, a Royal Arse Wiper. I have it on good authority that the position was created before Henry got too fat to wipe. Presumably he was too busy sacking monasteries and topping his wives to bother with mundane tasks.

If Posh was too proud to push will she also be too weird to wipe. Will J-Lo appoint a cludgie assistant to work alongside the eyebrow assistant, the bikini line assistant and the moustache assistant (oops - that's another "cease and desist" on the way.)

Would I apply for the job of Mariah's arse wiper? Certainly not.

Now if it was Kate Winslet...

*Hebe trebled up as Goddess of Youth. In an excellent TV adaptation of Mary Wesley's novel "Herding Peacocks" she was portrayed by Serena Scott- Thomas (a relative of Kristen and just as lovely) who provided the most erotic TV scene ever when she posed in front of a full length mirror, naked except for a red hat and matching stiletto heeled shoes, thus providing both front and back view.

The Pretensions Of Pop Culture And The Death Of Intellect

... It’s part of a distressing pattern these days of overwrought commentary about popular culture. As well as Beyoncé thinkpieces there are the Stars Wars thinkpieces, of course, and the Lana Del Rey thinkpieces or, God help us, even Kanye West thinkpieces. Don’t get me started on the fact that “thinkpiece” is now treated as if it were a single word...

Corruption of the music industry
MK Ultra Mind Control
Has Miley Cyrus Been Reprogrammed with MK Ultra

Science: The mind control project
The Flight From Freedom

Oh Brave New World

Back to Contents table

Cup brearer to the celebs
Greek Goddesses
The Gods Return To Olympus
Latest Posts

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Wednesday, December 14, 2005

There Are Many Diseases That Strike People's Kneeses (a tribute to Spike)

A Korean family hoping to cure their mother’s weak knees bid nearly $120,000 (£70,000) at an auction for a set of wild ginseng roots. Yonhap news agency reported that an entrepreneur and his brothers made the bid. The package of six roots included specimens 110 years old. Ginseng is highly valued in Korea for its perceived healing and potency benefits.

For some reason this reminded me of a poem called Scorflufus by the late, Great Spike Milligan, I used to read it to my children (about 200 times before they went to sleep...)

SCORFLUFUS by spike Milligan

There are many diseases
that strike people's kneeses,
Scorflufus is one by name.
It comes from the east
packed in barrels of yeast
so the Chinese must take half the blame.
There's a case on the files
Of Sir Barington Pyles
Who, while out hunting foxes one day
shot up in the air
and remained hanging there
While the hairs on his socks turned grey.
Scorflufus had struck at man beast and duck
and the knees of the world went 'bong';
(some knees went bing,
other knees turned to string)
from Balham to old Hong Kong.
If you hold your life dear,
then the remedy's clear,
if you're offered some yeast don't eat it.
Turn the offer down flat,
don your travelling hat,
put an egg in your boot and beat it.

and that is more than convention reasonably allows me to quote from this piece (Copyright Spike Milligan)

Monday, December 12, 2005

Friday, December 09, 2005

The Chronicles of Nadia?

On seeing the schedule of new film releases for this week I had a panic attack. "Oh no," I screamed, "some idiot has made a film about that noisy transsexual from Big Brother, the one with the stupendously unreal breasts. But the reality was worse, I had read Nadia for Narnia; someone has made a film about those stupendously boring children's books that a certain type of adult was always very keen to force on us in the 1950s and 60s. The story of The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe had great appeal as an indoctrination tool because it was claimed to be an allegory for the Jesus myth (where does the wardrobe come into it? you might well ask. Well Jesus was a carpenter. Oh yes, they were originally a trio before he left to form his own band. Rumour has it he was jealous of Richard's somewhat suspect relationship with Karen.) You see that Christian allegory is all rubbish. LW&W is a nazi allegory. Think about it, were the Pevensie family black? No, they were Middle class English protestants. Why was the messiah character portrayed as a Lion? Well everybody knows Lions are not Jewish. And the plot? After a spot of unrest among the plebs the Lion is killed which throws the Kingdom of Narnia into despair. When the Lion is then resurrected everyone realises it is folly to question authority and they all start toeing the line with unquestioning obedience. C.S. Lewis was a white supremacist from a privileged background. In his version of Christianity, Jesus was an Anglo - Saxon apologist for the ruling classes. Do you want to expose your kids to this stuff?

Fortunately my family were left wing bohemians and kept me well away from such stuff. I was brought up on The Wind In The Willows, in which of course the creatures of the riverbank form a revolutionary militia the resist the oppressive capitalism of the weasels. The old feudal Lord is not stood against a wall and shot, but is allowed to live out his days peacefully so long as he gives up his anti-social activities.
After that I moved on to Animal Farm.
Of course, given the plague of religiosity gripping America any film that can claim a twisted Christian theme will do well. Look how they flocked to see "Passion of The Christ" directed by Mel Gibson (5'3") which was not only historically inaccurate but the dialogue was incomprehensible.
What I want to know is when will Hollywood make a film of The Ragged Trousered philanthropists? When I hear about that I will know we are turning a corner.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Boggart Blog Says Jump And The World Jumps

Last week, at UK blog Boggart Blog, in response to an artice in The Guardian newspaper which predicted Wikipedia would start to replace Google as the most popular way of finding information on the web, I said that Wikipedia would have to change or it would quickly make the web even more irrelevant that Google has for those of us seeking meaningful content.
Lo and behold, only a few days later Wikipedia announce they are to remove the process that allows articles to be entered and edited anonymously.
(As a matter of interest I said around three years ago that Google was the worst search engine - except for all the others. Since then Google had become even more "links" obsessed and search results may return a million results, which pleases geeks but if positions 1 to 900,000 are occupied by sites wasting you to buy their shite, or even to look at their Google search results on the same keywords you entered this is not much use to anyone wanting genuine information or quality content.)

The Chronicles of Nadia

The Boggart Changes The Web

Monday, December 05, 2005

Madonna's High Kicks

I have seen the promo video for Madonna's new single quite a lot and yes I agree she has an amazing body for a woman her age. And that leg lift that gets her chuff right in your face is something else. But I hope she is not performing the manouvere live on stage while on tour.
Time may have been generous but the lady is forty seven, an age at which women, no matter how fit and well preserved, start to experience a little slackening of the pelvic floor muscles. Its quite common for even the most well brought up middle aged ladies to have an involuntary wee-wee when performing such strenuous exercises.
On video its fine of course, skilful editing can take care of accidents, but live on stage??? You wouldn't want to be in the front row would you?

Does anyone know if the next single will be called "Golden Rain"

Can older people be sexy? Maybe this will give you an insight