Friday, September 21, 2007

Squirrel Terror Squad

The hunt for the terrorists who didn't blow up ten jet airliners with two bottles of gatorade or even try to bring down a 747 with an underwear bomb but only succeed in blowing their own bollocks off, but are know to have tufty ears and fluffy tails has centred on a wood in High Wycombe, UK. Police will not say what they hope to find in the stretch of woodland for fear of compromising the investigation.

Squirrel Shit of Mass Destruction is what they are going to find of course.

Spiritual Squirrels

No time for a proper blog today so here's a joke someone sent me.

There were five country churches in a small Texas town;
the Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church, the Catholic Church, and the Jewish Synagogue. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the
baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were
not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But the Catholic Church came up with what was thought to be the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue but they took one squirrel and performed a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

High Flyin' Squirrels

by fatsally @ 2009-06-30 – 13:01:08

Cleo Hart tells us of the wallabies high on opium, but what are the sqirrels doing these days?
I don't know if anyone else has noticed but they do seem to be falling out of their trees onto busy roads rather a lot lately.
There were at least six on a two mile stretch of the A628 this morning. And they didn't appear to be squashed.
I suppose there could be some vigilantes cruising up and down the road, armed with air rifles taking pot-shots at the little buggers, but I don't really think that's the case.
Or perhaps the squirrels that don't make the leap from the trees on one side to the trees on the other are inferior in some way.
Seconds squirrels.
Myopic, dodgy knees, clawless.
A demonstration of Darwinism at work.
On the other hand, it's not that long ago that some walkers noticed a bit of a funny whiff in the air as they walked down a lane from the main road.
Police were called in and they found a substantial mound of marijuana plants dumped in a field...

"Wagwan! Rusty, how you goin'?"

"Hey Tufty, look what I've found.
A whole load of shit, man!
Give me a hand and we'll drag a couple of these plants back to the tree.
Wow, we is going to have us a good time!

"Wow, like, crazy, man.
We gonna dry it or are we jus' gonna chew it?
It sure do smell good."

"Well I think we ought to test it out y'know.
Make sure it's okay.
Then we can sell it on to the brothers at, like, a few acorns a gram.
Hee hee, we is gonna be two rich squirrels."


"Oh, man, Tuft, this is just soooo gooood."

"Too right,Rustman, this stuff gives you wings.."

"Hey yeah, just like those flyin' squirrels man..."

"Yeah, flying squirrels.... I believe I can fly, I believe I can touch the sky..."

"Yo, man, I'm flyin... hey look at me fly... I'm flyinnnnnn..."

"Aw shit man, it look like you come down to earth with a bump. Watch meeee..."

Later still.

"Shame old Tuft and Rusty bought it. Funny how they both fell out of a tree.
Still best get on and clean out their nest.
Hmmm, wonder what this is, smells a bit funny.
Maybe it's one of those exotic herbs, they were into all that stuff, liked to spice up the acorn cutlet.
I'll just take some home and try it out, maybe put some on those old horse chestnuts..."


Back to Contents table

Drunken Moose
They're big, they're short sighted and they are inclined to turn nasty when they've had a drink. Drivers in Gothenburg were terrorised by a drunken moose blocking the road and challenging Volvos to "come and have a go if you think you're hard enough.

Getting Shrew Arsed Again
The Malayan Tree Shrew is not an agresive drunk but they are pissed for much of the time and they fall out of their tree a lot. You might find one sleeping it off in your hair.

Grey and White Peril
They're the chavs of the animal kingdom, aggressive, destructive and in your neighbourhood. ASBS for badgers have proved worthless as a deterrent, they tend to regard the punishment as a status symbol.

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