Monday, July 02, 2007

Blair's Last Audience

It is well known that H M Queen Elizabeth II, in common with other members of Britain's Royal family did not much like Labour Prime Minister Tony Blair. Whether it is true or not that she thought him an arse licking snivelling, slimy little git we shall never know, but ir is well know that Blair, more than any Prime Minister before him was as much in awe of rank and status as he was of power and money.

So you may form your own conclusions.

This post is for those of you who have wondered what was said between Blair and The Queen at their last weekly audience. If you find those stiffly formal official press releases unconvincing, click the LINK below to read an unofficial transcript of what was really said:


The Real Queen's Speech

by Jenny Greenteeth

The following text is a transcript of the final meeting between Prime Minister Tony Blair and HM The Queen befoire Blair left office. The way our voice to text interpreter has rendered Her Maj's mangled vowels is enough proof of its authenticity we think.

The Real Queens Speech
by Ian R Thorpe
CREATIVE COMMONS: Attribute, non commercial, no derivs.
KEYWORDS: government,parliament, royal, royalty, queen, speech, state, humour, humor, satire, blog,boggart-blog, greenteeth

The Queen’s speech shown on television and in news bulletins is, like most things in politics, a fake. The Houses of Parliament is a set left over from those dramas Ian Richardson starred in, the MPs and Lords are extras – did you not notice someone looking suspiciously like Ricky Gervais trying to get in shot? And everybody knows the Queen is played by Helen Mirren.

There is a real Queen’s speech of course, but the Government in its wisdon decided a long time ago that us ordinary punters cannot cope with the reality of politics so its contents are kept from us. Soft Mick, the Boggart Blog invisible reporter managed to get into the House of Lords this year and send video of the proceedings to BBC Reporter’s mobile phone. So here, exclusive to Boggart Blof is The Real Queens Speech.


Loyal subjects, mai Government and Ay hev pleasure in in annincing our plans for the coming year. Main Government intends to press ahead with its praygramme to make Britain the only European (hack – phut) Nation to obtain one hundred par cent of its electricity from wind. New technology to harness fart power will be unveiled earleah in 2008. All reseairch into anti – obesity dregs will be suspended as people who are too fat to wipe hev huge potential sources as sources of renewable enairgeah.

My government will continue with its praygramme of taxing the pooah in order to reward the rich who give far more moneagh to politicians. Furtheagh more... oh poo, do I hev to say all this shite? who writes this nonsense. Renewable energeagh, tax cuts, its the same evereagh yeah and nothing changes. If this is mai Government like what it is supposed to be, I want something done abite the ban on fox hunting. And I don’t want that miserable fakker Brine as Prime Ministair, I quaite liked Bleagh, his ears were rartheagh amusing, they took on a life of their own when he became excited. But Brine is miserable, he hates Corgis and his wife does not hev a comedy mithe.

Nigh Ay’m the Queen and ay do not care for the way things are being done. Fairstleah, Ay want a proper Prime Ministair who owns a Grise Moor. We have not had a grice moor owning Prime Ministair since Lord Hume. It was traditional then that after ay got this poxy Queen’s Speech job, which I realleagh hate, ite of the way every year, the Prime Ministair would invite one’s husband and one to his grise moor for a few days shooting. It made all this worthwhile. Young Cameron has potential and he looks laike the right sort of fellow, I imagine somebody in his famileagh owns a grise moor. So in the coming year mai government will introduce a law banning anybodaigh who does not own a grise moor from becoming Prime Ministair. Then Ay shall sack all you commoners and hold an election in which the boy Cameron and his chums have all the votes.

Once we hev a Prime Ministair who owns a grise moor my government will repeal the legislation that bans foxhunting. Its jolly undemocratic you know, not one of my family agreed with it so how did it become law. Where is the democraseagh in that? I know a lot of you think foxes are rather cute and cuddly, so from consideration for your feelings we tried hunting chavs but they are neither so quick nor cunning as foxes. Nobody complained but it was just not the same.

Finally, we shall encourage servility. Now that the service industry is the largest source of employment again it is time the pooah we reminded of their obligation to be servile. Forelock tugging will be de-rigeur and talking back to one’s betters will be a capital offence. We shall also revive for Corporate CEOs the Droit de Siegneur, Primae Noctis. The CEO of aneagh corporation worth more than ten billion pinds will hev the right to deflower any attractive totty to join his organisation on the evening of the day she starts work. Our entrepreneurs must be given incentives if the nation is top prospair.

Raight, that’s it, you can all fack orf, I’m gaying hame to watch Helen Mirren doing the official version of this to see what bullshit my loyal servants have cooked up for the punters this yeagh.

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