Cruisin' for a (verbal) bruisin'

So Tom Cruise has relented and said that his wife can scream as much as she likes when their pointy - eared Thetan sprog is born. I should think so too, engrams be damned; if there is one time a woman needs to let of steam it is when she is pushing a baby into the world.

Cruise is a scientologist of course and so believes that civilisation was dropped of on Earth by a race called the Thetans whose women did not scream when they gave birth because it filled the baby with negative energies. (What is not mentioned in L Ron Hubbard's philosophy though is that the Thetans were pinheads.

Read more on noisy human childbirth at The Birth of the Air Turns Blues

Also as a follow up to yesterday's item check out the truth about the

The True Tale of The Easter Bunny

Ever thought the Easter story does not make sense. How did eggs and bunnies get mixed up with the crucifixion myth?
Is there something we weren't told in school.

You bet there is.

Check out The True Tale Of The Easter Bunny for the real story on the crucifixin myth, the easter egg thing and the easter bunny.

and if you need a laugh to brighten up the holiday check out the latest at
Boggart Blog

A Few Snippets To Amuse Or Provoke

I found this item at Sara Coslett's blog over at Authorsden.

*** Please Spread This Poll All Over The Internet -- Especially to News Media so They can see that it is Now Alright to Tell The TRUTH About the Bush Crime Family. That they seemed to have started doing on Thursday about the Bush / Cheney Responsibility for the Plame leaks !

Poll - Should Bush be in jail

Then I came across some amusing Bushisms at Very Random Blog of a Very Random Person. I am amazed the Scientologists are not hailing Bush as a God, he's not from this planet is he?

And finally, find out how we Brits go about belittling our politicians at Boggart Blog

Murdoch's Myspace Mistake?

Have you signed up for myspace, The Dirty Digger's music and social networking site yet. It is said to appeal to "the young" so why are Jenny Greenteeth (5000) and Little Nicky Machiavelli (570) there you might well ask, I mean they are hardly in the 16 to 24 demographic are they?Well these two have a nose for a disaster of course and were drawn to the site when they heard Rupert M has invested upwards of $500million.
Now he didn't do that from charity, so how can the cash be recouped? A web pundit says the site, with its 63million members worldwide is a cash cow waiting to me milked. Trouble is whenever new media pundits say things like that about anything on the web, the fools who invest find they are not milking a cash cow but pulling an angry bull's dick.
Read more at
Murdoch's" Myspace Mistake

Condi In The Land Of Pie Eaters

So what was the real reason for the visit of Condoleeza Rice to the old industrial towns of Lancashire this week. Was it simply to promote better relations between Britain and America as we were told?

Well when was anything the politicians told us true?

Could the whole thing really have been about neutralising Iran with a secret weapon the British have previously kept to themselves?

Find out what was really going on, read the whole story of Condi In The Land of Pie Eaters:

The real reason why Condi Rice visited North West England is revealed.


It is not often those of us who live in Lancashire, the Wars of The Roses county in the old industrial heartland of England's North West get a visit from a major figure in world politics. Can it be coincidence then that last week's visit by Condoleeza Rice was synchronised with the leak of information to the British media about secret meetings between the Pentagon and the Ministry of Defence to work out a strategy for military action against Iran?

In order to avoid a repetition of the Iraq debacle it is obvious even to those covert government agencies we laughingly call Military Intelligence that a somewhat more subtle approach was needed if the western powers are to debilitate the theocratic rulers and effect regime change while winning the hearts and minds of the Iranian people.

It does not require a mastermind then to work out that Condi was here in Blackburn to secure supplies of the world's most potent weapon against terrorism, the industrial strength meat pie.

Lancashire is the traditional home of the meat pie of course, us natives are not called pie eaters for nothing. To subsist on a staple diet of industrial strength meat pies as many generations of our ancestors did requires an indestructible digestive system comparable to that of a goat and a fortitude of spirit that is otherwise only found in salmon as they battle their way up rapids to their spawning grounds.

Such is the toxic potency of a dodgy pie that they are banned as weapons of modern warfare under the Geneva convention (we Lancastrians, being weaned from our mothers' breasts on them are immune of course) but so long as war has not been officially declared they can be sneaked into an enemy country disguised as food aid.

How does a meat pie work and how can people be fooled into eating them? The elegance of their use as an assault weapon lies in the fact that non - industrial meat pies, those made by your mum or granny, are not only completely harmless but also nutritious and delicious and even the ones served in respectable catering establishments are usually quite appetising. The industrial variety however is made with meat of very dubious origin. Everything the abattoir cannot get rid of even for cat's meat ends up in meat pies. Lips, arsholes, eyes, tails, unmentionables and things that defy forensic analysis all go into the melange along with dodgy chemicals to add flavour and colour (which is a joke, the inside of a meat pie is a dull grey in hue, even after cooking) all go into the melange along with crumbs of stale bread and a glob of glutinous goo so vile it would make a cockroach choke. This melange is then formed into balls which are encased in a pastry made from paper dust and sump oil. They are then baked in batches at very high temperature which triggers a quantum reaction that causes the atoms to become unstable.

The terminally naive have been known to eat meat pies unaccompanied. Those endowed with native wisdom will only eat an industrial meat pie if it is accompanied with mushy peas. These are marrowfat peas marinated in a solution of bicarbonate of soda and overcooked until they are reduced to a green puree. On contact with this substance the unstable atoms are neutralised.

Travellers visiting Lancashire should avoid putting themselves at risk. Avoid buying pies from street vendors, roadside food vans and stalls at sporting events. Sports events always arouse passions and none more so than soccer matches. Soccer crowds have been known to throw toilets rolls, coins, half eaten sandwiches, dead fish and molotov cocktails at match officials but there is no case on record of anybody throwing a meat pie at the referee. That would be too inhuman to contemplate. On the other hand, soccer crowds are known for insulting chants and the worst one, directed at any official or member of security staff who appears slightly overweight goes:

"Who ate all the pies?
Who ate all the pies?
You, fat bastard, You, fat bastard,
You ate all the pies."

The insult lies in the fact that the target is not only being accused of being so greedy he has deprived the paying spectators of their half time fun; watching the visiting team's supporters spontaneously combust after two or three bites of pie, but that he must have the constitution of a sewer rat in order to have survived such a feat.

On the issue of homeland security it is worth noting that Lancashire has never suffered a terrorist attack since the Vikings raided Shuttlebotham's pie factory in Oswaldtwistle and the resulting flatulence propelled them at each other with such force that all but two were fatally impaled on the horns on each others helmets. We say let Al Qaeda come with their dirty bombs, we will be ready for them with our pies of mass destruction and our local exponents of the science of fart lighting.

A portion of Hollands Meat Pie with mushy peas can produce up to ten farts with the brisance and explosive velocity of nuclear warheads on cruise missiles. ISIS you have been warned.



RELATED POSTS:
Cheesier than Stinking Bishop?


Elsewhere: [ The Original Boggart Blog] ... Daily Stirrer ...[Little Nicky Machiavelli]... [ Ian's Authorsden Pages ]... [Scribd]...[Wikinut] ... [ Boggart Abroad] ... [ Grenteeth Bites ] ... Ian Thorpe at Flickr ] ... [ Tumblr ] ... [Ian at Minds ] ... [ Authorsden blog ] ... [Daily Stirrer News Aggregator]

Heard about new Britpop sensation The Arctic Monkeys?
Have you read how they are taking America by storm?
Does it start to sound like you've heard it all before?
Did it leave an unpleasant aftertaste like the chemically laden empty calories of fast food?

To find out if there is any substance to the Arctic Monkeys or if it is all just hype visit Boggart Blog, probably the funniest blog on the web

Beloved Succubus (poem with audio track) - Gothic Horror

hot Vampire (Image source)

There seems to be quite a fad for Vampires, Werewolves, ghosts and monsters at the moment no wonder beloved Succubus is my most popular poem at AD. Its just a love story about an undead girl seeking a willing blood donor (not!) Check out the spooky audio track with the poem performed as a dialogue for two voices accompanied by the music of Camille Saint Saens' Danse Macabre.

Though I spend the long day seeking
in crowded streets where memories teem
she only comes while I am sleeping,
in the stillness of my dreams.
"Come to me my one true lover,
bravely walk beyond the dark divide;
take my cold hands or I must rest here,
There is no way back but by your side."
At dawn the image stays; repeating

"Please my love, please do not desert me,
endless darkness fills my heart with fear.
But the shadows can never hurt me
if I could only feel you near.
Find me in this love - forsaken desert,
caught between the living and the lost,
kiss once more these cold pale lips, caress
cheeks death's insubstantial hand has blessed
Hold me, warm me and reclaim me."

I feel her here in children's laughter,
soft wind; her kiss upon my cheek.
A movement at the edge of vision,
hint of perfume; her Mystique.
But she is gone, her light extinguished,
dead; without goodbye or parting kiss.
Fate has aborted all we wished
and now she cries for my catharsis
Should I cling on or follow after.

Shadow words like sharp little knife cuts;
her message fading on silver screen;
"I need your love to quell my hunger,
sacrifice your blood for me.
Come warm me with your vital body,
let new life flow in these dry veins.
else reject me, cast off your ennui.
One tiny drop love, will sustain,
Life cannot end where love survives."

Her photograph's changing expression,
(foreknowledge clouds bright, laughing eyes.)
Brushes shifted on her dresser,
curtains moving without a breeze.
A spot of blood staining my pillow
an addict's trackmarks on my neck.
These dark ringed eyes say I must follow,
discover some way to bring her back.
Is love beyond death a transgression?

The months of yearning have fatigued me,
I grow more pale, my soul is weak.
I cannot turn from her completely
One embrace is all I seek.
In darkest hours she waxes stronger,
her compelling pleas never desist.
Every night she feeds my hunger,
The darkness calls, I cannot resist.........
Instinct protests but will cannot resist.

Her photograph's changing expression,
(foreknowledge clouds bright, laughing eyes.)
Brushes shifted on her dresser,
curtains moving without a breeze.
A spot of blood staining my pillow
trackmarks, bruising purple on my neck.
These dark ringed eyes say I must follow,
discover some way to bring her back.
Is love beyond death a transgression?

The months of yearning have fatigued me,
I grow more pale, my soul is weak.
I cannot turn from her completely
One embrace is all I seek.
In darkest hours she waxes stronger,
her compelling pleas never desist.
Every night she feeds my hunger,
The darkness calls, I cannot resist....
Instinct protests but will cannot resist.


Copyright (c) Ian Thorpe, 2004


Beloved Succubus
To hear audio version CLICK HERE

The Boggart Wades In To The Abortion Debate

Equitiquas by h R Geiger. Geigers nightmarish images at time convey perfectly the conveyor belt womb of poor women down the ages as they fell pregnant every year, most of their pregnancies not going to full term, and of those that did the new life ended in infant death as many times as the child survived to adulthood. Herbal contraceptives, not as efficient as modern methods, but much better than nothing, were always available to those wealthy enough to buy indulgences against the strictures of the church.

Expect a headbutt of an article when you visit Abortion - Pro Life equals Pro Death . Boggart Blogger Ian does not mince words in his attack on moves in the US to make all abortion illegal.
Strong stuff here, arguing for an enlightened approach to the difficult question of abortion and steering a course between the extreme views of both the pro - life and the pro - choice factions.

While the position of no terminations at all, even in the case of medical emergencies is clearly untenable, those advocation that termination of a pregnancy should be available on demand right up until the mother goes into labour is just insane but even that does not go far enough for some liberals who have campaigned for post - birth abortions.

While parents of teenagers might be tempted sometimes to say that terminations should be available up to 974 weeks after conception [work it out :-) ] I think most resonable people would agree terminations should only be available in the case of medical emergency after the point at which the foetus would normally become viable.



A Brief History Of Contraception And Abortion (Part 1)

A Brief History Of Contraception And Abortion (Part 2)

A Brief History Of Contraception And Abortion (Part 3)

A Brief History Of Contraception And Abortion (Part 4)

Father's Away Day

Should the father be present at the birth of a child or should we go back to the traditional approach of dispatching him to the pub where he can't get in the way. Get a new perspective at Boggart Blog

Return of the Boggart

Wow, is it really that long since I was here.

Been having a lot of fun working on audio poems for a CD release, its very time consuming sitting around in a studio for days.

Take a look at what we have been doing by checking out Beloved Succubus and watch this blog for more audio coming online.

And visit Boggart Blog my regularly updated blog site full of whacky British humour

 Back Soon - meanwhile here's a scene that expresses a mood of tranquillity