Tuesday, February 16, 2016

The Syrian Conflict For Dummies



This was an upmarket residential area in Syria before the western powers decided to liberate Syrians from tyranny (Image source)

WHO'S WHO IN THE SYRIAN CONFLICT

President Assad (who succeeded his father as ruler of Syria and therefore is bad) is a really, really nasty guy who was so nasty to his people that only just over half of them strongly supported his regime, but the first black President of The USA, The Enitre Universe and everything else besides did not like the way Assad, a Shia Muslim, ran Syria and took delight in stopping the Sunni Muslims killing Shia muslims and Yazidis and Syriac Christians.

The Sunni's (a sect of which Obama is most definitely not a member because he said he is a Christian when he needed the black evangelical vote to get himself elected) wanted Syria for themselves, so that they could reintroduce their favourite spectator sports, beheading and stoning.

Obama gave some of his Al Qaeda (Sunni) buddies some money and some weapons and told them to overthrow Assad. They stirred up the malcontents in Syria and imported Afghan, Pakistani and north African mercenaries, secured further funds from Saudi Arabia, did a deal with Turkey to launder oil from stolen oil wells, and rebelled.

The Rebels (who were good) started winning.

But then some of the rebels turned a bit nasty and started raping and beheading and noshing human organs (not cold you understand, but still warm from the corpses of freshly killed donors; ISIS fighters are not animals and plenty of people in the west enjoy a warm doner) Having changed their name more often than they change their underpants, finally settling on Islamic State, ISIS (who are definitely bad)started attacking Iraq as well as Syria. Others, whom Obama named 'moderate rebels' carried on killing, raping and enslaving innocent people, but they were fair about it, confined their actions to syria and also continued to support democracy (which is good, even when people are forced to vote at gunpoint).

After a while the good rebels and ISIS (bad rebels) started fighting each other. This distraction gave Assad the upper hand.

Obama was furious about this, because he wanted the moderate Sunni rebels to win so the Americans (who are good and wear white hats and masks and ride horses called Silver) started bombing Islamic State (who are bad and wear black hoods and ride Toyota pick up trucks,) and giving arms to the moderate Syrian Rebels (who are good) so they could fight Assad (who is still bad) which was good. Unfortunately the moderate rebels took the new, high tech weapons systems and defected to ISIS (who paid better wages and offered one sex slave shared between five guys here on earth as opposed to 72 virgins (or raisins depending on which translation of The Koran you believe) in heaven.

Meanwhile the Kurds, who weigh heavily in middle eastern politics had merged their Syrian territory with the autonamous territory in Iraq they were given after the first Gulf War in 1991 to form a breakaway state in the north. The Kurds are great fighters (they have 4000 years experience) and want to fight IS (which is a good thing) but to free Kurds living in Turkish terriotry. Turkey is a member of NATO and want to join the EU so the Kurds are bad because NATO is good. The Kurds have no time for Assad but agree with him the Turkish government (Sunni Muslims) are bad. So we have to say the Kurds are bad when fighting Turkey (who are supplying ISIS with money and weapons remember) but good when they are fighting ISIS.

Secretly we think the Kurds are good and are giving them guns to fight IS (which is a good fight) because we in the west love underdogs, except Assad who is bad like Muammar (Mad Dog) Gadaffi of Libya, whom we killed because although he was insane had mental health issues and was no threat to the west and killed far less people than insane tyrants we support, was bad because The Americans wanted to control Libya's oilfields.

Getting back to Syria. President Putin (who is bad because he is Russian, makes fun of Obama, threatens to turn the gas off when the EU annoy him and likes to take his shirt off,) had invaded Crimea and the Ukraine and killed lots of folks including that nice Russian man in London (with polonium in his tea) decided to back Assad (who is still bad) by attacking IS (who are also bad) which is a bad thing because the Americans do not really want ISIS beaten after they have invested a lot of money and effort in preparing the rebels to overthrow Assad. The important thing to understand here is the good rebels and bad rebels are the same. Good or bad depends on which way their guns are pointing.

But Putin know the Syrian Rebels who are good are also bad because they all want to kill Assad whom Russia supports, and so he bombs them too, much to the annoyance of the Americans (who are good) who are busy backing and arming the rebels (who are also good).

China also supports assad and has sent soldiers to boost his ground army. The Chinese are inscrutable so their contribution cannot be estimated.

Iran (who used to be bad, but now they have agreed not to build any nuclear weapons and bomb Israel are now good) are going to provide ground troops to support Assad (which is bad) as are the Russians (bad) who now have ground troops and aircraft in Syria.

WHAT IS GOING ON IN SYRIA

So, a Coalition of Assad (still bad) Putin (extra bad) and the Iranians (good, but in a bad sort of way) are going to attack IS (who are bad) which is a good thing, but also the Syrian Rebels (who are good) which is bad.

Now the British (obviously good, except for David Cameron whose alleged necrophiliac cavortings with a pig make him persona non grata to Muslims (because while cavorting with goats is fine, cavorting with pigs whether alive or dead is an absolute no-no, the Koran is very clear on that) and the Americans (also good - white hts, eye masks, horses called silver) cannot attack Assad for fear of upsetting Putin because if it kicks off with Russia, China (too importsnt for trade to be bad) and Iran (good or bad) will join in. So now America and the NATO coalition have to accept that Assad might not be that bad after all because if the west gets into another messy, unwinnable war it might help Donald Trump (who is super bad) in his big to be elected President.

So Assad is now probably good, being better than IS and since Putin and Iran are also fighting IS that may now make them good. America (still good) will find it hard to arm a group of rebels being attacked by the Russians for fear of upsetting Mr Putin (now good) and that mad Ayatollah in Iran (also good now) and so they may be forced to say that all the rebels, even the moderate ones (i.e. when they are shooting at assad's supporters) are now bad. This will lead most of them to flee to Turkey and on to Europe to join IS cells(still the only constantly bad group) or local Islamic amateur Rapist groups in cities like cologne and Stockholm.

To Sunni Muslims, an attack by Shia Muslims (Assad and Iran) backed by Russians will be seen as something of a Holy War, and the ranks of IS will now be seen by the Sunnis as the only Jihadis fighting in the Holy War and hence many Muslims will now see IS as good (doh!).

Sunni Muslims will also see the lack of action by Britain and America in support of their Sunni rebel brothers as something of a betrayal and hence we will be seen as bad.

So now we have America (now bad) and Britain (also bad) providing limited support to Sunni Rebels (bad) many of whom are looking to 'moderate' rebels (were good, now bad) and IS ( still bad) for support against Assad (now good) who, along with Iran (also good) and Putin ( unbelievably good because The Pentagon and The Ministry of Defence have seen what SU35 aircraft and Growler missiles can do) are attempting to retake the country Assad used to run before all this started?

Even for people who have never taken any interest in middle eastern politics, that should be a clear as mud.




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