Return Of The Jedi without his cornflakes)

The march of crackpot religions continues apace. When in the last UK census around ten per cent of us listed our religion as Jedi we were joking. Or were we.

Some people it seems take their Jedi faith very seriously (there's always a few out there). They went and formed an official Church Of Jediism, with a doctrine, a creed and all the other nonsense including a commandment stating Jedi Knights may not be seen in public without their hoods raised.

This Jedi warrior was excommunicated for showing her head (and a couple of other things) in the pub.

The rule would get Obi Wan Kenobi, Yoda and Luke Skywalker to name but a few, excommunicated because in the Star Wars ffrancise they are seen with hoods lowered by millions. The founder of the Church of Jediism might struggle to obey his own diktat too, when he popped down the shops for a loaf of bread, some milk and a packet of cornflakes he was approached by security as he queued at the checkout and asked to lower his hood because people might mistake him for a terrorist.

When he refused, claiming it was against his religion, he was escorted out of the store without his stuff. We hope he can eat The Force, if not he's going to be a very hungry Jedi in the future as the hooded hoards of ISIScontinue to terrorise the west.

So don't be scared if you see someone dressed like this down the supermarket, he (or she) is not necessarily an ISIS fighter come to cause mayhem but a hungry Jedi grabbing a few groceries.

God's Little Careers Consultants

In a week that has witnessed controversy in the UK after an advertisment for The Church Of England, showing somebody reciting The Lord's Prayer was banned from being shown in theatres where the new star Wars film is being shown by the movie's distributors, which prompted us to ask how would Christians feel if Jedi Knights invaded a church service and used The Force to make bibles and hymn books float around and gargoyles sing bawdy songs, it is perhaps time to revive this post:

Yoda Gets Christianity (Image source)

New guidelines issued by the Greek Orthodox Church bar former gynaecologists, lawyers, actors and magicians from ordination as priests. The detailed list sets out acceptable jobs for candidate clerics, including former carpenters, teachers, nurses, politicians and former officers in the police and military. Other considered unacceptable include tavern owners, money lenders and astrologers. Alas we could not discover whether nail technicians are excluded or not.

Now I can see the logic in wanting former carpenters after all there is a connection, but there seem to be a few anomolies here. Why politicians and not actors, surely there is little difference in the two trades. Actors spend all their time pretending to be someone they are not and politicians spend theirs pretending to be something they are not. Neither can I see why teachers will be accepted but not tavern owners. Most of us learn far more in the pub than we ever did at school. And why are astrologers not welcome, to go from astrologer (or Jedi Knight) to priest simply involves swapping one kind of unreality for another.

Magicians too seem to be very well qualified. "I want to to put this biscuit in your mouth and then take a little sip of wine as I say Abracadabra, and it will turn into the flesh and blood of the Messiah. Just like that. Lawyers too are ideal.

"I put it to you that on the third of May Mrs Papadopoulos and yourself went to the Corinthian motel and indulged in various lewd acts. Do not deny it Mr. Leandros, there are witnesses. You were seen by the hotel receptionist, the chambermaid and God.

Gynaecologists however is understandable. Who could know better that what most men think is heaven can look pretty unattractive in some circumstances.

Greek Orthodox Church
More info
Jonathan Cainer - astrologer
Pub Quiz website