A Very American Coup

 We don't for one second blieve it, but we like it - The Boggart Bloggers

by Truth or Fiction, MoA (64)

Under the guise of removing Biden from the presidential race, a coup d'etat took place in the United States. On Thursday, July 18 at 01:14 New York time, US President Joe Biden died of coronavirus. Biden's body is still in the freezer at the White House. The medical personnel who were involved in the treatment and resuscitation of Biden were held for some time at the residence in Washington, but after the go-ahead from Vice President Kamala Harris, they were conditionally released under a non-disclosure agreement and are now at their place of permanent residence under a ban on leaving the District of Columbia. Biden's death turns out to be a state secret. Part of the late president’s family found themselves hostage to the situation and their fate is being decided by the current leadership of the country. Biden's wife Jill and his children are under the control of Secret Service people who are now subject to the orders and instructions of Harris. Certain compromises have been reached with the president’s children; they are ready to support the myth of Biden allegedly alive until the autumn US presidential elections, but at the same time they put forward a number of conditions that were accepted. Ashley Biden will become Secretary of Health and Human Services in the future Cabinet, and Hunter Biden will move to the US National Security Council.

The appearance of the president's double after Biden's death completed the coup d'etat and put an end to the implementation of these intentions. Kamala Harris communicates through several channels at once with the leadership of several countries privy to the situation, issuing guarantees of continuity of course and various promises. In particular, the start of deliveries of F-16s is the result of an agreement with Kamala Harris to contain America’s Russian expansion in the region. Zelensky, through the State Department, received the go-ahead from Harris for active peacekeeping activities, which he, in fact, immediately took up. The compromise and agreements rallied around Harris by the late Biden’s inner circle are shaky and fragile. Negotiations are currently ongoing on the final configuration of power in the United States on the eve of the elections. There will be decisions and big changes soon. The country is really led by Kamala Harris. US President Joe Biden is dead, his place is taken by an impostor double! We continue to inform you about everything that is happening in the US leadership, and soon there will be numerous confirmations of our information.

 

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The kerfuffle this week triggered by a 'woke' publisher's decision to censor the works of children's author Roald Dahl, whose titles, including Matilda, The Witches, Charlie and The Chocolate Factory, James and The Giant Peach and The Twits along with many others have been loved by children since the 1950s.

By removng many words which the 'woke' brigade consider 'insensitive' but are often important for their onomatopoeic value, the humourless, killjoy censors have also spoiled many passages which, as well as being funny in a childish way, also help young minds develop a love of language. 

Worse, in future there will be a patronising and moralistic message at the foot of the title page, which reads: “Words matter. The wonderful words of Roald Dahl can transport you to different worlds and introduce you to the most marvellous characters. This book was written many years ago, and so we regularly review the language to ensure that it can continue to be enjoyed by all today.”

Put simply this is telling readers or their parents, This is not the book that Roald  Dahl wrote.
 We, the woke elite' have decided that you, dear readers, are not intelligent enough to read the story as the author intended it to be read, so we have relocated it to a world where nobody is fat or ugly or skinny, stupid, dirty or poor and there are no men and boys or women and girls as the use of those words might offend fat and skinny, ugly, stupid, dirty, poor transexuals and non binary pansexuals.

In doing this the publishers have given themselves licence to edit any writer as they see fit, chopping, altering and adding where necessary to bring books in line with contemporary social and political sensibilities or, more likely, to ensure nothing is published that might prompt readers to question the narratives of the 'woke' agenda promoted by globalists.  Comparisons of the latest editions with earlier versions of the texts has identified hundreds of changes to Dahl’s stories.

Language related to weight, mental health, violence, gender and race has been cut and rewritten. The fat boy in Charlie and The Chocolate Factory is no longer fat but enormous despite the fact that his name, Gloop, suggests rolls of gloopy fat wobbling around when he moves. Remember the Cloud-Men in James and the Giant Peach? They are now the non binary Cloud-People. The Small Foxes in Fantastic Mr Fox are now female. In Matilda, a mention of Rudyard Kipling has been cut and Jane Austen added although while children could be familiar with The Jungle Book they are likely to be at least a decade away from wanting to read Pride and Prejudice.

Dahl, who died in 1990, has consistently been one of the most successful children’s authors of all time with  more than 250 million copies of his books, which include novels such as The Witches, The Twits and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, as well as his memoirs Boy and Going Solo sold worldwide. His stories are characterised by dark humour and unexpected twistlt so with an enormous sense of fun and the suggestion, loved by all children, that its OK to be outrageous in ways that their teachers would disapprove of. 

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Facebook Blocking Magazine Cover Making Fun Of Joe Biden, Triggers Free Speech Row

                   Joe Biden and Spectator (Australia) cover mocking Biden's confusion, (SourceThe Sun )

As if intent on giving the finger to critics who have attacked its political bias and blatant interference in political matters, and to show that rebranding as META was nothing but a cynical PR exercise, Social Media giant FACEBOOK has once again upset Free Speech advocated by blocking an advert satirising Joe Biden in a depiction of a magazine cover.

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The front cover featured the headline Six More Years but showed Mr Biden holding up only five fingers referencing the week's main article commenting on the unavoidably obvious evidence of the US Presidents mental decline..

Editor Fraser Nelson revealed he asked the Facebook to reconsider but the plea was rejected.

In response to the ban Nelson commented: “It seems satire directed at Biden is rejected by Facebook (or its bots) but when we mocked Trump, Boris, Truss that was all fine.” CUK Conservative MP David Jones hit out at Facebook's dictatorial action last night, saying: “Facebook really should understand that freedom of speech sometimes involves making fun of politicians.

“Nobody is beyond that and they shouldn’t be so precious.”

A typically humourless and robotic spokesperson for Facebook said last night: "Anyone who wants to run an ad that's political has to be authorised. If The Spectator resubmit this ad from an authorised person Page admin the ad will be approved." Which is almost as incoherent as the average Joe Biden sentence. Or to put it another way Facebook are saying, "You little people, the riff raff, the rabble, the proles, and anyone Mr. Zuckerberg does not like are not allowed to say or write anything Mark Zuckerberg's minions think The Master might not approve of.

Once again we have proof that the billionaire psychopaths who run corporations that, with the help and complicity of governments and supra - national bureaucracies have come to dominate the internet, behave as if they are above national law, natural law and the law of common decency, and though unelected (and unelectable to anything,) are determined to use the influence their internet near - monopolies to force on the public political agendas that serve only a small, wealthy and influential elite.

It seems our world is moving towards an era of deference and credulousness, the kind of society we left behind over 200 years ago when to criticise te Church or The King might easily result in a painpul and humiliating death and woulf certainly do one's social standing and career prospects no good at all. In modern times we have enthusiatically made use of our freedoms and civil rights to ridicule and satirise our leaders and although the questioning of authority and those who try to control opinion and suppress dissent has been reduced to a cottage industry, the tradition still lives on in online environments though it is now hardly seen or heard in the pervading authoritarian babble of mainstream media heard.

Why has the centre of politics collapsed in this way? I have a little anecdote. In the 1960s when I was a student studying economics and sociology, we were discussing the inter-war period and the rise of Hitler and Nazism in our History class. One day the lecturer, with a wry smile on his face, said “Hitler was a Liberal”. The whole class, who mostly identified as “liberal” or even “socialist”, howled with laughter at what they thought must be a joke. When peace returned, the teacher explained the close correlation between Liberalism and movements of the Far Right which had attracted among others, rational, well-educated Germans.

In short, Fascism and Nazism were in some ways similar to the kind of “Liberal Extremism” we are now encountering on social media and in the 'woke' cluture that has taken over our universities; it is the conviction that there is only one 'right' way of thinking and to utter any though or idea that does not conform to this is an offence of some kind, (hate crime is the currently fashionable term for examples of for non compliance. The decline of the Western liberal democracies and the type of degenerate crisis-politics we are seeing now is another example of this phenomenon. 

It is way beyond time that action was taken to break up the social media giants and deny the billionaire psychopaths the pernicious influence whatever deals they have made with corrupt politicians may have bought them.

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This Is Why Boris Johnson Is The Most Popular Politician In Britain

Over the coming months our ears will, no doubt, be assaulted by much wailing and gnashing of teeth from lefties over the appointment of Brois Johnson as foreign secretary, before the shock amd horropr gives way to the usual hate mob screeching. For the sake of balance in the political debate I'd like to offer a few reminders of why Boris is the most popular politician in Britain and who, alongside Nigel Farage, he inspired the people of Britain to stand up to the emotional bullying of the Politically Correct Though Police by voting LEAVE and thus save Europe from tyranny for the FOURTH time in two hundred years.

Over to Boris at his most diplomatic:

On Vladimir Putin:
Johnson compared the Russian president to a character straight out of the Harry Potter books, in a 2015 column for The Telegraph newspaper about working with Russia to remove Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.
"Despite looking a bit like Dobby the House Elf, he is a ruthless and manipulative tyrant"

On Hillary Clinton:
"She’s got dyed blonde hair and pouty lips, and a steely blue stare, like a sadistic nurse in a mental hospital; and as I snap out of my trance I slap my forehead in astonishment. How can I possibly want Hillary? I mean, she represents, on the face of it, everything I came into politics to oppose: not just a general desire to raise taxes and nationalise things, but an all-round purse-lipped political correctness."

On Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan:
When Angela Merkel permitted a criminal prosecution to proceed against Jan Böhmermann, a young German comedian, for the “crime” of insulting Turkish president Recep Tayyip Erdogan, Douglas Murray editor or owner or something of The Spectator, offered a prize for the best insulting limerick about the Turkish tyrant. Here is Boris Johnson's winning entry:

There was a young fellow from Ankara
Who was a terrific wankerer
Till he sowed his wild oats
With the help of a goat
But he didn’t even stop to thankera.

On the EU:
“First they make us pay in our taxes for Greek olive groves, many of which probably don’t exist. Then they say we can’t dip our bread in olive oil in restaurants. We didn’t join the Common Market – betraying the New Zealanders and their butter – in order to be told when, where and how we must eat the olive oil we have been forced to subsidize.”

On China
“Virtually every single one of our international sports were invented or codified by the British. And I say this respectfully to our Chinese hosts, who have excelled so magnificently at Ping-pong. Ping-pong was invented on the dining tables of England in the 19th century and it was called Wiff-waff!”

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Does Hausfrau - Volksfuhrer Merkel's Open Border Policy Break The Law

Opposition to the government of anti - European Islamophiliac German leader Angela Merkel is growing in Germany (Image source)

Back in October we reported that a group of concerned German citizens had launched a bid to impeach the German Chancellor Angela Merkel because her 'open doors' immigration policy and insistence that Germany should admit without question and welcome every person who arrives in the country without valid travel documents. Merkel's efforts to make German's change they lifestyle, and German women change the way they dress because some long established European traditions 'insult Islam' have gone down like a lead Zepplin too.

Since then the immigrant crisis in Germany has worsened and the mass rape and sexual assault of German women by Muslim males from north Africa and the middle east in Cologne and other cities at New Year have made the public mood very ugly and may prove to be a turning point in the efforts of European ruling elites to impose Islamic culture on secular and Christian nations.

In yesterday's news we learned that not only are more organisations calling for Merkel's impeachment and removal from office, but that a German federal judge has declared the increasingly dictatorial chancellor's immigration policy unlawful.

In a thread on that story and the anti social behaviour of Koranderthal immigrants Merkel's government has allowed to flood into Germany (which we will report fully later,) I found this little gem by a commenter using the name Dexy:

The nazi in her commie cape
Cried: My, don't I look splendid!
Hitler's joke and Marx's jape,
So skilfully I've blended.
Through ruthless robbery and rape,
All good folk I've offended.
But I'll sell 'em all to the mozlem ape
Before the year is ended.

Very funny, though I'm sure lefties will insist that Hitler, who called his party The German National Socialist Worker Party was not a socialist because socialists are cuddle and egalitarian. Poor lefties, they've never read any history, only propaganda, and thus are ignorant of the similarities between Hitler's regime ans those of Joe Stalin, Mao Tse Tung, Fidel Castro and Pol Pot.







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Mainstram Media Finally wake Up To Migrant Crisis

In a move that will leave many of its shocked and disoriented, The Sun, the tabloid of tits and trivia today woke up to the immigration crisis that is threatening the social stability of European nations and reported some real news.

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Fatberg: The Danger That Lurks Down Below.

As I started reading a story on Russia Today's UK News page, at the end of paragraph two something struck a chord in my memory.

from Russia Today:

A giant “fatberg” found in a London sewer could have put houses at risk of flooding over the festive period, Thames Water has warned.

The huge mass of waste products, made up of grease, fat, and items which do not break down in sewage water such as face wipes and diapers, was found underneath Leather Lane in Clerkenwell.

Thames Water said if the fatberg had not been discovered, it could well have caused sewage pipes to burst and flood homes.

Following the discovery on December 19, teams of specialist engineers have worked throughout the week to break down the mass into smaller pieces and get rid of the numerous items that had become stuck in the grease.

And then it came to me, this is why the story stirred my memory:

DOWN BELOW by Sidney Carter
(tune: Sam Hall)

When you're working in the dark, down below
Underneath St James Park, down below
When you're working in the dark
Underneath St James park
It isn't half a lark, down below

Now it isn't hard to tell,down below
If it's Bow or Clerkenwell, down below
Cos Bow and Clerkenwell
Has a different kind of smell
And you knows it pretty well, down below

.

Come down Covent Garden way, down below
in the merry month of May, down below
The fragrance of the flowers
Gives us many happy hours
And we sing a roundelay, down below

When to Billingsgate you come, down below
When to Billingsgate you come, down below
When to Billingsgate you come
Then things really start to hum
And the smell will knock you dumb, down below

And the objects that you find, down below
Serve to exercise the mind, down below
There are watches that wont wind
All wrapped up in bacon rind
And that isn't all you find, down below

Yes there's something in a sewer, down below
What must have a strange allure, down below
The magic of the drains
Is a thing I can't explain
But it's calling me again, down below
Yes it's calling me again, down below

Not a suitable subject for humour (or humor) at Christmas you may think, but people need top be aware of all the many existential treats to our civilization that are out there. Who knows what monstrous life form may evolve from the fatbergs. Obviously there is human and other types on DNA 'Down Below' along with all sorts of dodgy chemicals. Was there an X Files episode about it once?

The London Fatberg (below, image source: The Daily Mail ) is still growing.

Cookie Dough Can Exoplodes In Woman's Vagina

NB: We cannot vouch for the reliability of our source on this story ...

The Pilsbury Doughboy. Not as scary as The StayPuft Marshmallow man but all the same you would not want him exploding inside you. (Image source)

A report coming in from North Carolina, USA, shows what a lot of bollocks the news of economic recovery we in the west are fed really is. Here is a story of a woman who was so hard up she shoved a can of dough up her chuff so her family could eat. And that terrorist loving, warmongering idiot Obama tells his country the economy is doing well and the USA can afford to wage wars on every little country that pisses him off? Don't believe it, Americans are starving. People are desperate (you have to be desperate to steal cookie dough, if someone can't afford to steal a family size pizza or Lasagne they are trult below the poverty line.

The 34-year-old mother of 3 is now under arrest after an alleged shoplifting incident turned tragic. Witnesses say Shatuanee Greene entered the North Carolina Walmart on Sunday with her three children ages 5, 7, and 8 when she grabbed a can of pre-made Christmas cookie dough. CCTV footage shows the young mother take the can to the toy aisle as her children crowded around her. Greene then lifted up her skirt and made the can of cookie dough “disappear.”

When Greene was approached by Walmart security, she told her children to go find their Aunt in the front of the store. “I told her to hand over the cookie dough,” said Timothy Reiner, a security guard at Walmart. “That’s when she turned around to run and I grabbed her by the arm. She put up a good fight, and that’s when I tackled her to the ground. Then I heard a loud pop and the lady started screaming. Gooey cookie dough was running down her leg. All hot and runny… it was so damn gross.”

According to eyewitnesses, the EMT that treated Greene on the scene said the Pillsbury cookie dough can exploded in Greene’s vagina during the fall causing her extreme pain. They removed the contents at the scene. The woman was treated then released into the custody of Greenville police. A police spokesperson said, "Greene told us she had just wanted to make some anchovy flavoured cookies for the kids dinner."

Read the full, gross out story of the coookie dough thief at: Now8News.com

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And Now For Something Completely Different

Blogging here for the past couple of months has been pretty bleak as events in Syria, Turkey andthe middle east have dominated the news. But the season to be jolly is almost upon us and it's time we all had a laugh, well all of us except the guy in this story:

Alligator Eats Florida Burglary Suspect Hiding From Cops

Never smile at a Crocodile (the picture is fake I'm assured) (Source)

Down in Florida, ABC 13 news reports, police have concluded that a man suspected of burglary and on the run from officers escaped justice in a rather novel way.

Matthew Riggins, 22, alleged to have been responsible for a string of burglaries in Brevard County in November 2015 was spotted with a likely accomplice by police officers on the morning of 13 November, but the crooks escaped on foot and hid in a swamp. Officers who set off in pursuit failed to find them

Police searching the area later reported hearing yelling but were unable to determine the source as night had fallen. Ten days later, human remain, identified by DNA tests as having once been attached to Riggins were found floating in Barefoot Bay lake.

Divers sent to recover the remains encountered an 11-foot alligator which had shreds of human flesh (later proved to be a DNA match with the bits of Riggins the 'gator had not swallowed) behaved aggressively towards them (or perhaps mistook them for the next meal). Florida authorities called sent an Alligator to capture the creature. Official reports say it was shot. Sources with the state police department say it was recruited and given the rank 'Termigator'.

A coroners report concluded Riggins was attacked by the 11-foot gator while hiding from authorities in the 'gator infested lake and recorded a verdict of death by stupidity.


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UK Politicians Expenses Scandal

The most hilarious political scandal in years is the Expenses scandal currently responsible for meltdown of the British political system with the Government in total disarray and the opposition parties not much better.

Read the funniest reportin, opinion and comment by following links below.

From A Bag O’Shite To A Chandelier And Back. by ianrthorpe @ 2009-05-12 – 16:57:01
Yesterday’s report on the Bag O’Shite MPs’ expenses scandal concluded with the promise we would bring you further and even more astounding revelations about the bizarre expenses claims made by Members of Parliament.

Today we honour our promise.

Sir Michael Spicer (Con, Rawtenborough South) successfully claimed the cost of having a chandelier hung at his Manor House which he insists is his second home despite its having been in the family...
CLICK HERE to read full post From A Bag O’Shite To A Chandelier And Back



UK Politicians Expenses Scandal Gives Glimpse Of What's To Come
Democracy is being strangled, it seems, by self interest and misplaced loyalties. Only months after the Blagojevic pay-for-power scandal and President Obama's own difficulty in finding people who were not crooks to fill various cabinet positions and other offices in his administration, we now have in Britain the budding scandal of Members of Parliament fiddling...
CLICK HERE to read full post UK Politicians Expenses Scandal




Lib Dems Expenses Claims Fail To Impress.

The fervid anticipation preceding the release of Liberal Democrats dodgy expenses claims turned into a sense of disappointment today as the embarrassing items we had hoped to see were absent. Where, for example, were the invoices for 5000 gallon tankers of Vodka delivered to Charlie Kennedy’s second home or the bill for supply of intravenous drip equipment so the former leaders could stay topped up while paralytic?
CLICK HERE to read full post Lib Dems Expenses Claims Fail To Impress.


Senior Conservative Claims Dog Food On Expenses. by ianrthorpe @ 2009-05-11 – 18:15:50
The details of MP’s dodgy expenses claims continue to land on the Boggart Blog News Desk 24 hours a day. Our reporters are on round the clock alert to bring you up to the minute information. The latest expose we hear...
CLICK HERE to read full post Senior Conservative Claims Dog Food On Expenses.


Forget Pork Barrels, this is bag o’shite politics. by ianrthorpe @ 2009-05-11 – 16:59:45
While we all sit back to watch the news and enjoy the witch hunt of Labour ministers over their eccies, from Jaqui Smith’s 89p bath plug to Barbara Follet’s £25k of security, we should not overlook some of the bizarre items that are turning up in Conservative MP’s claims...
CLICK HERE to read full post Forget Pork Barrels, this is bag o’shite politics.


Also check out these Greeneeth Multi Media pages:
The Daily Stirrer Hard hitting opinion and comment from the people who brought you Little Nicky Machiavelli.

Boggart Blog Central The main clearing house for Boggart Blog articles from the UK and world editions of what is probably the web's funniest satirical blog/

Olympic Humour at Boggart Blog - Britain's top comedy blog

Boggart Blog's best posts so far on the Olympic insanity.

Olympic synchronized diving proves it is possible for men to give themselves BJs (Image source)

The news from The Olympic Games as been providing the Boggart Bloggers with most of their material for the past few days. Check out our main blog, greenteeth.blog.co.uk for all the posts. Here are a few links to the stuff we found most amusing.

Britain won its first medal in the cycling road race, an event not lacking comic potential as it was held in a torrential downpour.

Controversy raged in the swimming arena over full length super slick body suits made of low friction material to reduce swimmer's drag effect through the water. We wanted to know what is wrong with the old back, crack and sack wax and what the official view on gimp masks was. Not quite in the Olympic spirit but there you go. We never suggested we are a politically correct publication.

Disaster for Britain's medal hopes in the water. After double triumph, in the cycling and thewomen's 400meters freestyle in the main pool our synchronized diving team blew... no - not each other, settle down at the back; blew their chance of a medal by having a row just before their final dive. 14 y.o. prodigy Thomas Daley threw a hissy fit when his 26 year old diving partner took a call from his Mum, poolside, on his cellphone. They boy apparently said, "How can you talk to your Mother? Parents never understand anything. What we want to know though is WTF is Synchronised Diving doing as an Olympic sport.

Biggest controversy of the Olympic pageant so far (well the drug test results have not started coming in yet) was the lip synching scandal at the opening ceremony.Seems like a lot of fuss about nothing, we say if its good enough for Madonna and The Spice Gilrs its good enough for the Olympic Games

Bad News For Dwarf Throwers.

The killjoy army seems to be unstoppable at the moment, the Politically Correct Thought Police are everywhere.

Following news that the government plans to crackdown on "in the home drinking" because a civilised glass of wine with dinner might turn one into an alcoholic, we now learn that the government pokenoses have intervened to force the cancellation of the UK Dwarf Throwing Championship in London’s Egg club.
,
Apparently there were ‘elf and safety’ concerns

(For those who don’t know, in Australian Rules dwarf throwing, dwarves clad in velcro are thrown at a felt covered board and the winner is the person whose dwarf sticks longest. The sport originated in Australia. In the UK we only invent sports that involve molesting small furry animals.) Our pictures shows an international dwarf throwing event in the UK between England and USA played under Texas / Yorkshire rules, where the thrower whose dwarf travels the greatest distance wins.

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How do you stop a Rhinoceros feeling horny?

There's no stopping a horny Rhinosceros (Image source)

German animal rights activists launched a campaign against plans for a giant ferris wheel in Berlin, saying it would disturb the sex lives of rhinos in a nearby zoo.

Investors unveiled plans for a 175 metre wheel, 40 metreshigher than the London Eye, hoping to attract millions of visitors from 2008. Activists say moving lights on the wheel would disturb the
rhinos daily routine and threaten breeding.

Normally I find animal rights campaigns a bit bonkers but I'm right behind this one coz I know how I used to feel when somebody disturbed my mating rituals.

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DeadHamsterPhone - the latest Must Have...

Hamster Phone - not quite as we imagined but close

I guess you would have to be some kind of idiot genius to buy a dead hamster thinking it was a 3G phone movie player, internet access, a million ring tones and various hands free, ears free, brain free gizmos. But there's a small time criminal down in South Wales currently looking for such a punter.

So how did this crim. come to confuse such a phone with a dead hamster? Well the hamster was all packed up in a nice Eriksson box on the back seat of a parked car.

The hamster's owner is understandably distraught and is getting grief counselling because having been unable to bury his pet he needs to find closure so he can move on.

I can't help thinking however the dead hamster thief could be a struggling taxidermist looking for a way to boost trade. After all a hamster is just the right size to have a modern cellphone inserted in its furry little tummy and what better way to preserve the memory of a beloved pet could there be?

So if you are down in South Wales and you see people walking along the street chatting into a hamster's arse you will know what's going on.

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Cheesier than Stinking Bishop?

Stinking Bishop cheese, we thought Camlbert was too smelly to show a picture of.

Camelbert (A soft cheese made from camel's milk) is the new cheese for Bedouin hipsters in the Mauritanian capital, Nouakchott. The "fromage de chamelle" slips down a treat with a glass of red wine, and tastes 'like a tangy goat's chees' according to cheese connaiseursnyone who has stood close to a camel will be familiar with we think.

Camelbert also has a strong, distinctive smell, the people who sell it online admit. A smell we think a Cheese connoisseurs can choose between the original brand Caravane, and the newly launched Sahara. Both sell for 800 ouguiya, or about £1.70.

I love cheese but I will pass on that one. Our own Stinking Bishop cheese, a rival surely to Sweden's Surstromming as the worlds most repulsively smelly food, at least tastes good if you can hold your breath until you get it in your mouth.

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Garry Trotter and the Portal of Pleasure #5 (adult humour)

This 7 part  parody really has to be read in order [1] ... [2] ... [3] ... [4]...5 ... [Next]

Hormones are rampant at Swimemole Academy for chav wizards. Garry Trotter finds his fascination with Briony's bumps is leading him to take too many risks ...

 

At last Garry had managed to get Briony alone. "Hi Bri," he said, blushing deeply, "I - er - I - er - I sneaked into Wiz - Mart yesterday and got you something. Er - some special soap, not that you whiff or anything but - er - but - er - but I know girls like that sort of thing and - er - you take a lot of showers so I thought you would like some magic soap. When you are in the shower you just say blither - blather - let's have lather and the soap levitates and rubs itself all over you. Smells nice too."

Briony sniffed the bar of soap that Garry was holding towards her. "Mmm, lavender and dragonmusk, my favourite. Thank you Garry, that's sweet of you. I'll use it today, perhaps it will keep the ghost heavy - breather away."

"The what?"

"There's a ghost in the girls shower. I can hear him breathing somewhere above me. I'm going to complain to Prof. Philtre."

"Yeah you should," Garry mumbled and hurried off.

As the bell rang to signal the end of lessons later that afternoon the boy wizard raced upstairs, changed out of classroom clothes into his swimming shorts and then he put on his cloak of invisibility. Carefully he crept out of his room, down the stairs and along the dormitory corridors to the girls showers. It would have been disastrous to bump into anybody but he made it, let himself into the shower room and just had time to take up position in Briony's favoured cubicle before she arrived and started to undress. As she took off her shirt and singlet, revealing the pert breasts he could not suppress a gasp of delight. Briony looked upwards , slightly apprehensive as Garry though what a good word "pert" was. He had learned it from one of his muggle books. Muggles had some great names for dirty stuff.

Now Briony was taking off her skirt and panties. At last he had a close up view of the Portal of Pleasure. It was a bit disappointing really, just a triangle of hair. He had expected something so magical to shimmer or change shape or do something though he did not know what.

The naked girl stepped towards him, this was the moment. Garry had a sudden impulse to run away but there could be no getting past Briony without being noticed. Then she turned on the shower, let the warm water run over her for a few seconds and said " blither - blather - let's have lather."

Again Garry wished he had not done this. He hesitated and the wet girl repeated the phrase. Excitement, fear, confusion and a host of other emotions paralysed him for a second.

"Useless soap," Briony said, reaching out. In a panic Garry grabbed the soap, lifted it and started to rub it on the naked skin that was only inches from him. He soon overcame his nervousness and got more enthusiastic about his task.

"Soap, I don't think we need quite so much lather there." The soap moved away from those oh so desirable breasts and a few seconds later moved again in response to "nor down there thank you."

When all the great masses of bubbles had been rinsed away and Briony had towelled herself dry she looked up at the ceiling again and said, "you're just getting too forward Mister. I'm going to have you exorcised."
"A dirty old man ghost?" said Prof Philtre, "are you sure someone was not playing a trick? Ghosts do not generally have a libido, of if they do it is reserved for ladies of negotiable affection who have been dead for several hundred years. Now tell me about this soap Trotter gave you."

Briony handed over the perfectly ordinary muggle soap and told the teacher how if you said blither - blather - let's have lather, it levitated and washed you.

"Smells fishy to me," the professor of potions said.

"That's probably because it spent too long around you - know - where," said Briony. "That was what made me suspicious."

"I think you were right to be suspicious," the professor said, "but I really do not think the culprit is a randy ghost. Do you mind leaving this with me?"

WILL HARRY BE FOUND OUT AND EXPELLED FROM SWINEMOLES OR WILL HE MANAGE TO TRICK HIS WAY OUT OF ANOTHER DODGY SITUATION. YOU CAN FIND OUT TOMORROW.

Sun, Sand and The Sweaty Feet Inspector

The Dalmatian coast of Croatia is a wonderful place to take a holiday, its sandy beaches are lapped by the azure waters of the Adriatic sea, its towns and villages are picturesque and imposing mountains rise steeply from the shore line. Visitors can enjoy reasonably priced food and absorb the rich local culture or they make just prefer to head for the beach and chill out while having their feet sniffed by a government inspector.

In a gobsmacking example of bureaucrats' ability to shoot themselves in the foot the Croatian tourist ministry, having noticed that the holiday trade is at last recovering from the hostilities in the area over the past fifteen years, decided to unveil a set of regulations aimed at ensuring "appropriate behaviour." This latest manifestation of the Balkan appetite for self - destruction, had it become law would have made the area a hotspot for serious foot fetishists but driven almost everybody else away.

Displaying authoritarian zeal bordering on Nazism the ministry has gone against the trend in other nations around the Mediterranean by attempting to instil a sense of decorum through stringently policed rules and regulations. Some of these even go beyond the standards required in prudish America. As well as the official foot sniffers the government would have appointed teams of babies nappy inspectors to check for adequate seals around the legs, banned from beaches women exposing their breasts or wearing thongs or "revealing sundresses", men in shorts, ice cream and cold drink vendors, picnics and make it a criminal offence to urinate in the sea (how did they plan to police that one? scuba divers?)

Now to say dress code is optional in European resorts is understatement. In more and more places dress is optional anywhere near the beach. We in Europe pride ourselves on having a healthy attitude to naked flesh. It is not a criminal offence for women to have nipples nor is it unknown for men to have hairy legs. So what has gone wrong in Croatia, a nation previously known for its tolerant attitude to untidy pubic hair, crooked willies and saggy boobs. Laws requiring elderly Germans and Swedes to cover up may have won popular acclaim but when those rules are extended to Beyonce Knowles lookalikes that is just bureaucratic intransigence at work. So what gives?

Well the announcement of the proposed laws to the travel industry attracted media attention all around Europe and now the Croatian bureaucrats are playing that other favourite game of bureaucrats, blame shifting.

Tourist minister Dragan Primorac, cowering under a barrage of ridicule said that none of the proposals were his idea and that he was not a control freak. Mr Primorac blamed his staff who he said used a facsimile of his signature to give authority to the proposals. So far no ministry workers have admitted to being closet foot sniffers.

Dubrovnik - jewel of the Dalmatian Coast

Foot Sniffing holidays in Croatia

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Reality Rears Its Ugly Head

In the fouteeenth century they had the Black Death. In the seventeenth century there was The Great Plague. Periodically since them we have had Cholera, Typhoid, The Bloody Flux and Spanish Flu. Soi what will be the first plague of the twenty first century? We think we know.

Image source: cabletv.com

Reality Rears Its Ugly Head

The new "reality" TV show launched this week with the rather desperate sounding title Celebrity Love Island does not disappoint. It plumbs new depths for trash TV. The idea is that twelve Z - list celebrities (6 male, 6 female) are put on a tropical island paradise, supplied with food, booze, a pool, a Jacuzzi and a million hidden cameras and microphones. They are then left to do what health young adults do when given the chance to shrug off responsibility and live a pampered life .

The fatal flaw in the plan lies in the fact that the people involved are not healthy young adults but minor celebrities. They are people who on account of once having briefly threatened to reveal signs of talent or in some cases having briefly shagged someone who threatened to reveal signs of talent. All of them however are now intent on building a career by being famous for being famous.

One of the females who actually has genuine claims to some sort of celebrity, being a credible current affairs presenter has already broken down in tears and begged for merciful release, presumably so that she can kill her agent. The poor girl has obviously been driven to the edge by having the phrase "professional suicide" bounce around her head like a really irritating tune.

Of the rest the appropriately named Abi Titmuss, famous for having been the girlfriend of a minor league TV presenter who became famous for allegedly raping a real celebrity is the most famous. The alleged offence took place before the real celebrity was a celebrity and the minor league presenter was acquitted, but not before some sneaky lowdown bastard (or somebody's agent) had leaked to the media a porno video featuring the lovely Abi in action with some of her alleged boyfriend's friends. A career was born.

Best of the rest are a man famous for being the son of a very famous drunk, a former Future Olympic Champion and a woman who sold the story of her (alleged - by her at least) adulterous affair with a very famous soccer player and spent the cash on breast enlargement so that she could go into competition with the lovely Abi. as the world's most famous nonentity.

I have not heard of any of the rest and bear in mind these are British celebrities and I am a British news junkie. So you get the picture.

Celebrity Love Island is not about love, it is about sex. It is solely about who will get em' off and get down to it first purely for the titillation of a voyeuristic audience and without any kind of emotional attachment. It is the very lowest level of commercial sex.

The most depressing thing about Celebrity Love Island other than the fact that the only love likely to be seen is narcissism, the love that dares scream its name from the rooftops; is that it reveals the depth of humiliation these so called celebs will expose themselves to in order to stretch their allotted fifteen minutes of fame.
I have a horrible feeling the show will be a hit.


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Report Predicts Everyone Will Be a Sexy Millionaire by 2050

History is full of failed predictions from the Oracle at Delphi through Nostradamus, Mother Shipton and just about every twentieth century stargazer and futurologist who ever found an audience.

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